My ideal man, but moves too fast

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
My ideal man, but moves too fast
11
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 4:32am

Hey folks,

I've never been on this particular board but lingered on a couple others for a while. I started dating a guy I used to work with and we've together a little over 3 months. We have the most amazing connection and I've never experienced that before...ever. The "I love yous" started a month and a half into the relationship and now 2 or 3 marriage proposals in the last week. It's freaking me out! I'm freaking out because I was in an abusive marriage so I'm just flightly to begin with. I'm also freaking out because this is the first real relationship since that abusive marriage. It feels real and it feels good (for the first time), which, is why it scares me.

So, my question is how would any of you think about this situation? Three months in and wants to get married. Is it possible he is one of those guys that just wants to get married so bad, they marry anyone?

Does he just want someone to take care of him? Could he really feel this way about me?

I don't expect anyone to know the answers to these questions. I just want to know if there is that typical kind of guy that rushes into relationships and if so, what do I look out for? Or what are some warning signs of bad things to come? When he says that he loves me, I really believe that he does. And on the other hand, I start to think "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." Any direction or insight would be helpful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 10:32am

My first thought was wow, this guy is moving way too fast thinking about geting married so soon--I wonder what the rush is for him.  Now I've been married (& divorced) twice.  My 1st marriage, I met the guy when I was 25--we met around June and got engaged in Nov--but we didn't actually get married for 2 more years.  We were married for 13 yrs so I don't think the fast engagement had anything to do with it, but I still wanted to get to know him better before we actually got married--looking back, I probably would have held off on the engagement & just kept it to ourselves for a while until we were actually ready to get married.  Now at the same time my ex's sister got engaged after we did & got married before we did--we joke about it now but at the time I was really kind of mad because I felt since we already had our wedding planned, she should have waited--so she met her guy & got married before she knew him a year.  they also got divorced after 2 kids & more than 10 yrs of marriage--he had an alcohol/drug problem among other things.  I don't know whether that would have come out before marriage if she had waited because you know, people are always on their best behavior at the beginning.

W/ the 2nd DH we didn't get engaged until we had known each other 2 yrs but we started jokingly talking about getting married w/in a few months after we met.  I think when you get in that mindset that "we're going to get married" it's harder to get out of thinking about it & I think you are less critical in your judgment of the relationship--I don't mean critical in looking at things negatively, more like using good judgment.  I definitely should not have married this guy--it only lasted 5 yrs because I didn't want to admit failure a 2nd time--we should never have gotten married in the 1st place.

I think you should ask your BF what the big rush is to talk about marriage--I do not think it's possible to really love someone you have known 1 1/2 months--at that point it's infatuation.  Tell him that you want all marriage talk off the table until you have known each other a year--at least that gives you time to see each other in a variety of situations, good & bad, and see how you deal with things.  If he is pushy on this, I would see that as a big red flag--he should know that you were in an abusive marriage before so you have no desire to rush into another marriage w/o being sure that it's a good thing.  If he's unwilling to wait, then he's probably hiding something or has some other big issue going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 11:44am

Hi;

Well to me that sounds rather pushy and I agree with Music.. You have to really get to know someone before you are in love or want to get married. This guy might have some insecurity issues and I would proceed with caution..

My 2H whom I only married a y ear after we dated turned out to be controlling and had a mental illness so we are divorced now.. He also was very pushy at the beginning of our relationship due to his insecurity.. At the time I tho ught he was just being nice and loving and generous but the reality was that he wanted to get me fast so that I wouldnt see his mental illness.. Lo and behold it took me three years to figure it out with a few red flags in there.. Yes; I do see some red flags in your post and it does sound like your gut and intuition have kicked in and that is good. I never leave home without my womens intuition and gut feelings. they never fail me..

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 3:07pm
Freeatlast2008, When you look back at your relationship with 2H, were there signs before you got married that he was controlling? Or did he hide it until after you were married?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 3:30pm
Same question to you Musiclover12. I appreciate the insight from the both of you. See, when my EXH and I were together, we were that couple that was together for 6 years when we got married and it ended 14 months later. So, I'm not one to rush LOL and I told BF that I have no intention of rushing into anything. I like things as they are now and I want to enjoy it for a while. We have a long distance relationship going on at the moment. So, we don't see each other on a daily basis which is another reason I want to take my time. Like I said, I think his feelings are genuine, but I also think that when he says he loves me, its like the love he has for his best friend. I don't think he's "in love" with me yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 6:19pm

To be honest with you when I was dating my ExHusband there were red flags but I whisked them away because they were so few of them.. He might have acted a bit off once or twice but I just thought it was because he cared about me.. I had no idea it was about control and mental illness.. because I never tho ught in a million years I could attract a man like this.. It was all so covert or whatever that word is...I mean I felt duped but since I was probably an emotional mess at the time and the perfect victim the perfect predator came along.. It was all so the perfect storm so to speak..but the dynamics of it never made sense to me until years later when I was in therapy and read books and was in support groups and did alot of soul searching on myself.. Now I know why and how that happened...

Well I can see more red flags in your guy being that this is long distance. Now you cannot see him in real true life and form on an on going daily basis.. I mean even when you date someone near you rarely see their true selves come out until a year or so later and now since this guy is so far away you wont even see his true self on a daily basis..

Wow; I would tread slowly and would try and find out who he really is.. Does he have kids or parents or relatives or exwives you can speak with?? What about his job?? what are his values??  I would be asking him a lot of questions and if he doesnt give right answers something is wrong..or if he avoids important issues like money and family and spirituality something is off..

take care

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 01-31-2013 - 6:33pm

I am going to chime in on the other end of the spectrum.

I met my hubby, of almost 30 years at work. By the 3rd date we just knew we would be married and spend our lives together. We would have run off and eloped, but I wanted to be married on the 4th of July so we waited 7 months to tie the knot, though we did start living together.

We have had ups and downs as most marriages have, but we always worked through them. I am older, and was more standoffish, not a pda person at that time and he is and always has been very touchy feelie. We have worked through that throughout the years and I find I am more affectionate.

I am still amazed we melded so well and cannot imagine my life without that man. But as the others have shared their experience, I too have shared mine. I hope whatever you decide works out the best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-31-2013 - 10:11pm

Happy . What came to mind was after I read your post was that you most likely had no emotional baggage and either did your husband so it worked and that is a true blessing.. It seems you and he were emotionally healthy and that is a good thing. Two healthy people met each other..

What I got from the OPoster was that she had unfinished business and was in an abusive marriage so there might be some unresolved issues there..but if one trusts themselves and knows themselves and is true to themselves then they will know who is right for them when that person comes along.. I am wondering if I would write on a message board about a problem already in a short term relationship.. I think at the beginning of relationships it is supposed to be all good and not so much work.. It appears this already has some red flags just by questioning his motives...or maybe OP you are afraid to get involved again so you might be wanting to sabogue this.. Just throwing out ideas for you...

Know yourself and love yourself first and all else will be well and you will have your answer for yourself (JMHO)

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 9:30am
If he's rushing to marriage and you don't want to rush, you both are on a different page so already this is not perfect. From your questions, it is clear that your instincts are honed in that there are red flags here, but the highs of meeting someone new can cause those instincts to be ignored until it is too late. Many times when one partner is trying to force marriage so soon, it is because they know, whether consciously or subconsciously, that they have tendencies within themselves that drive people off and they can only contain those behaviors for so long. Usually 3 months is the first breaking point.
 
So he may be wanting to get the ring on you before his controlling or anger or whiney or disrespectful or dependent or abusive tendencies start coming out.
 
I think Free's last response is great. People can act like "love" and relationships are hocus pocus, they meet someone and everything was instant with nothing else happening that really made the relationship a success. Obviously, not. Such simple things are both people were ready and one of them wasn't a hidden lunatic are factors, as are a lot of other things!
 
Words are cheap. He can tell you all the I-love-you-so-much's all he wants, but you have to look at his actions. And the first one should be after you are straightforward and genuinely explain to him that you are not comfortable talking about marriage so soon and you need time to get to know someone before ever talking marriage. That is a reasonable thing to request and if he reacts with anger, pouting or continues to push the marriage thing, you have just learned a lot about the real him. Welcome to the rest of your relationship x100 times worse.
 
If he backs off, listens to you, then you that's a sign that good things may continue to happen. It's better to find out now before being trapped in a bad situation that will be much more difficult to get out of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Sat, 03-09-2013 - 4:17am

Sorry I've been away for a while, I forget to check the board sometimes. Thank you for your responses! So, it's been over a month now and I continue to question everything. The reason why I posted in the first place is because that night BF was drinking and the marriage thing had come up. That night, I had told him I think it might happen one day but not for a long time, and he didn't seem very happy with that answer. He didn't get angry but he was discontent. So the next day, I brought it up to him and he apologized and said he wasn't in a rush and he knows that I'm not either. He said he had a lot to drink and he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable. Ok great. The drinking I was starting to get concerned with but it doesn't seem like it's an issue now. Then again, I'm not with him everyday either. So since this post, the marriage thing hasn't come up again. Smile

Now we are 5 months into the relationship, and I've gotten to know some of his friends and family. I don't think I would be comfortable at this point to ask any of them about him. I'm afraid it will backfire on me. I still don't feel at this point that he is abusive but I have been fooled before. Like Freeatlast mentioned, I have baggage and I am waiting for "the bad" to happen. There are things I over think about and I honestly don't know if they are valid concerns or if I am sabotaging this over little things. That is why I came here because I need insight. I fear that my hang ups will be my down fall and I also fear that I will make the same mistakes again.

I still wonder why he is with me in the first place. I'm a heavy woman and he says he loves me because I have a beautiful soul. He liked me and wanted me to meet his friends and family and I never had that before and it felt nice. Because it truly felt like he wasn't embarrassed by me, I never had that before either. Now that time has gone on, he doesn't ask me how I'm doing or how my dad is doing (I live far away because my dad is sick), but he used to. I remember asking him what his favorite movie was and he told me but he didn't bother to ask me what mine was. Things like that make me feel like he doesn't care about what's important to me or what's going on in my world. It seems like it's always about him. Sorry for rambling, I'm just so lost. I don't know if I'm being too critical of him and over thinking it or if I'm setting myself up to be let down again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 11:00am

I don't know enough about your situation to know if your relationship is healthy or not. It depends on if what you're expectations are, are reasonable or not. Does he make a daily effort to call you? Are you the one who always has to go and visit him, or does he make an equal effort to visit you? Maybe he isn't interested in movies that much, and that's why he didnt ask about yours. Men are not mindreaders. You have to tell them what you want. I would tell him that it would make you feel special if he asked more questions about you and how your dad's doing. Sometimes men are clueless and lack social skills when it comes to conversation.

On the other hand, if you're feeling daily disatisfaction and frustration, it may mean that he doesn't care about you as much as you do of him. The key is to communicate your feelings and tell him how you want to be treated. If he cares, he will make the effort to improve. If he doesn't, why devote your life to someone with whom you're not content with.

His drinking would be a concern to me. Does he keep his refrigerator or cabinets stocked at all times with liquor? Does he drink on a daily basis. You need to be sure he's not an alcoholic, because if he is, that should be a dealbreaker for you. Also, it's important to know his past relationship history. Is he capable of long term relationships? How did the relationship/s end?

Good luck to you.

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