Is my relationship over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Is my relationship over?
4
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:19pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. We've been seeing each other mainly on the weekends because we live about 30 minutes away from each other. About four months ago, I was questioning our future together and needed to some to figure out what I wanted. We took a break for about a month. When I initiated the break up, he confessed that he would have never dated me this long if he didn't think we had a future together. He said I was the only one for him. Funny how he never mentioned this before I initiated the break-up.


Although I've never suspected he was cheating on me, I've felt like he's kept me at arm's length for awhile now. We are both busy with full time jobs, and I realize that we're adults and not in high school...it would be hard for us to see each other everyday. We didn't start spending time together during the week until I got a job in his city...then it was convenient for him.


Like I said, I have been questioning our relationship for the past few months. I've been feeling like he's been hiding something from me, and recently he said he thinks he has social anxiety (which could be a definite possibility). I was concerned and ensured him that I wanted him to be happy and live a "normal" life and would do anything I could to help him through it. He didn't see his missing out on regular social interactions as a problem.


Recently I decided that I need to stop worrying about everything and do what makes ME happy. I think I've been too dependent on him to "complete" me. I lived at home with my parents all 4 years of college so that I could graduate and be debt free. It was always my dream to purchase a house of my own. I have a wonderful, satisfying job now and I'm completely self-sufficient and have an apartment of my own (I thought my moving out of my parents' house would bring my boyfriend and I closer). I have been looking at several houses here in my hometown and I am seriously thinking about purchasing one. I told my boyfriend about my plans, and he became very upset because I did not include him in my decision. He flat out REFUSES to live in my hometown because he says it's too much like his own. He thinks it's crazy for me to want to purchase a house 30 minutes away from where I work. I love my hometown and want to be close to my family. He says he thinks we're a lot like his own parents. His father moved to his mother's hometown and he says his dad has been miserable ever since (even though they have a wonderful relationship, home, and three great kids). He says he thinks if his dad knew then what he knows now, he would have never married his mom in the first place. This really upset me because every situation is unique. Just because this supposedly happened to his parents, it doesn't mean it's going to happen to us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:33pm

Hey!

I find our situations to be similar with our relationship problems (sort of). Except I am in college still & not looking to purchase a home. I've also been wondering if I am in the right relationship (for different reasons) & my boyfriend says the same thing as yours.

Regarding your questions:
I think the answer can be double sided. Because if you want to share in a future with him then you maybe should choose a house together. You both need to compromise. However, if he's making no effort to compromise & he's only around when it's convenient then I think you two need to discuss this first & make more effort with your relationship. You need to make sure you are happy. If you are going to purchase a house with him, outside of your hometown, will that make you happy? Is that something you can live with for the rest of your life? I think you both need to compromise and evaluate what is important to both of you & discuss the options you both have together. If you think about it, (even though he is assuming he will land up in his father's situation) do you think it's fair to make him want to be happy living 30 minutes away from your home town?

I hope I helped a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 9:49pm

I live 45 minutes away from my boyfriend and we see eachother alot during the week, I usually stay over during the week. I do know that I would move there to be with him.


I just believe that if you love and want to be with someone that much(including marriage), then you would do whatever it takes to be with them, even if it means moving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 10:19pm

He sure does want the world to revolve around him, doesnt he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 12:38pm

He also has issues with my family. He has only been around them like 45 minutes the entire 2 years we've dated. I am partially to blame for that because I did not want to make him uncomfortable. My family is a HUGE part of my life, and both of my parents have sacrificed so much in order for my sister and I to have a comfortable, healthy lifestyle. They both are deeply religious, and I have many of those traits as well. My boyfriend wanted to take an overnight trip with me a few weeks ago, and I decided not to go because I knew my parents would not approve. YES, I realize that I am 24 years-old, live on my own, and can make my own decisions. But when it is something that concerns my family (I don't want people calling me a "slut" because I spent the night with my boyfriend- even if nothing happened), then I always seek their approval. I live in a small town and people talk. I would never want to bring any shame upon my family. If we were to get married, it would be a totally different story. While my family would still remain important, I would not be seeking their approval, but my husband's instead. I know that I am the one who makes my own decisions, but when I make a wrong choice (even if it's something completely innocent), it makes my family look bad because they raised me. I have always sought my family's approval because they've done so much for me. I wouldn't be the person I am or be able to do what I do if it wasn't for them. Maybe if my parents knew him better, they would trust him more. Relationships are different for girls, I think. This day in age, it's hard (if not impossible)