is my relationship savable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2005
is my relationship savable?
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 2:45pm

hello everyone, i have a big problem on my hands and i don't exactly know how to deal with it. This is a long story so be prepared to read, but your advice will really help me a lot.

Okay, i met a man back in may of last year and it was wonderful, we started out great friends for a few weeks and talked all the time. Eventually we started to develop feelings for each other and totally hit it off, we lived in two different states i in NC and him in SC. it was only a four hour drive so we worked with it. We visited, hung out, spent the night, and got even closer..we both realized we had fell in love and wanted to make even bigger commitments, so we had to decide something because the whole long distance thing can sometimes not be not enough. So..i decided to quit my job and move down with him and his family, (this was in aug. of this year so it wasn't a spur of the moment thing). i moved down and we were soooo happy we loved being around each other and seeing one another every day. It was amazing i'd never been happier, he got a great job offer in TN and we were going to move there, but then the problem hit, the guy led him on for 3 months and then decided not to do it after all, we were okay we just had to figure something else to do, so we stayed with his family and bounced around for a while from here to there and then his tags got taken from his car because his dads gf didn't pay the bill. We lost everything but still had food family and each other, so we were still somewhat okay, well end of Oct came around and we started getting stressed and began to take it out on each other, we would fight, i would cry and he would be cold to me. we both sank into a depression i think and he took it out on me more than i did him. a couple of weeks ago before thanksgiving he an i had a huge fight and i called his dad's gf to come get me so i could just get some space, well needless to say my guy didn't like that to much so he just basically despised me right then, i was so upset but i ended up not leaving and just stayed in our friends room, we stopped sleeping in the same room for a couple of days and didn't say much to one another. eventually i had to get some space for a few days so i stayed with his grandmother while he stayed with our friend. we would call every so often to say goodnight and ask about our days. we were okay i thought but then about 2 weeks ago he said that i should go back to NC to get my stuff straight and he the same, he doesn't know about our relationship but he does love me and wants to be with me, but he says he doesn't know anything right now..he says ive done nothing wrong and i asked him what should i do just sit in NC and wait and he said no just get your life straight...

I am in NC now he left me here yesterday..i'm so depressed i can barely breath and i don't know what to do..i love him and were even engaged but i don't know how to save my relationship, should i give him time so that he'll maybe miss me and want me back. I don't know and im scared because i want this to work out cause before all the stress it was wonderful!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 3:11pm


Welcome. Oh how I feel for you!

You both sound like you are young. Perhaps the stress of real life has truly gotten to you. IMO, long distance relationships have the biggest hurdle of not truly knowing someone. We tend to be on our best behavior when our partner comes to visit so they don't know the other side.

Was it difficult for you to find work as well?

I don't know if he will come back and want to live together again honey. But please take this time out to work on you. Obviously you didn't handle the stress very well. And neither did he. There are so many couples and families out here going through similar crises. The problem isn't the situation so much as how you handle it. It seems like his coping mechanism is to just give up, particularly because noone was happy at that moment. I know in dark times it is hard to see the sun, but in times like this, if he is truly trying to find work and be there for you, it is better to be supportive then argumentative. Situations like this make or break relationships. Please learn from this. Good Luck :)