need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2009
need advice
10
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 4:40am

I am at a point when I dont know what to do anymore. This might be a little longer but I will appreciate if you read it all and give me any advice.


Let me start by saying that I am 25 and have been through a lot in my life. All the situations made me into a very strong person who has hard times to open up and who cried in the bathroom on occasions. I have a male friend who has always be there for me and knows me like nobody else. Our friendship was always very special but weird at the same time. We would have sex on occasions but would never get more serious. I left for Europe a year ago and he came to visit me for twe weeks. Then 6 months later he came again and decided to stay and wait until I am ready to go home. Its been 3 months now. We have been having great time, traveling around Europe and Asia, going to parties and such. We have been sleeping in the same room and having sex pretty often. We even got to a point when we would start kissing which never happened before and became more intimate. We would touch each other more often and stuff liek that. Anyway, I am having a lot of problems and can be really bitchy at times. Sometimes I dont even realize it but I start putting my problems on other people and be getting upset over small things. Example, we went to a grocery store. I kept on asking my friend to pick what he wants to eat but he didnt know and turned him MP player on. So i had to repeat my questions at least 4 times so he could hear me. We ended up arguing and not talking for 2 days. ANother night was on Wednesday when we went out with my friends, got a little drunk, had a blast but on our way home he started talking about me how naive I am when it comes to guys and thats why I be taken for granted all the time. I really was not enjoying the convo and told him to shut up. He kept on talking though and it made me cry. He said I am too sensitive. We did not talk on Thursday so finally on Friday I asked him what is going on. He was ignoring me or saying nothing is wrong. I went to work and when I came home he was totally wasted. He started talking about me again saying I cant take no criticism and I get mad easily. That I disappointed him because he thought I was someone else. Yes, he was right about that. I apologized and he said he doesnt care for my apology. He said he doesnt want to be friends with me anymore because he cant talk to me about anything and I dont ever say anything to him. He also added that everytime we start talking I walk away and he is tired of that. I actually begged him to talk to me and to talk it over but he said there is nothing to say anymore and all we can be is associates.


I cried through the whole night. Now, I sent him an email asking him to give me a chance but i dont know if thats gonna work. I am truly devastated because I developed very deep feelings for him and dont want to lose him. I have no idea what to do anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 7:59am

When a guy reams you out telling you all the things he doesn't like about you and why he doesn't want to be around you anymore, the worst way you can respond is to beg for him back. Which is what you did.

YOU have deep feelings for him. HE has decided he doesn't like you. How deep do you think your feelings have to be to get a relationship with him when he really doesn't want one? Or can you realize that no matter how strong your feelings, he's decided he isn't interested?

By having sex with him you created the feelings you have for him now. If you choose to sleep with someone without a relationship, make sure you won't be upset if you don't ever get a relationship from them.

You need to work on the things in your life that are making you bitchy and giving you problems. From your post, you do not sound like a strong person. A strong person would not beg him for another chance to be someone she's not, she would say "Screw this guy, he's not worth my time and I'm not going to change for him".

It must really suck being told what he told you but this is a good wake-up call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
In reply to: gapeach404
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 12:28pm

" had a blast but on our way home he started talking about me how naive I am when it comes to guys and thats why I be taken for granted all the time. I really was not enjoying the convo and told him to shut up. He kept on talking though and it made me cry. He said I am too sensitive. "

"He started talking about me again saying I cant take no criticism and I get mad easily."

"He also added that everytime we start talking I walk away and he is tired of that."
All this just because "That I disappointed him because he thought I was someone else" and you were.

Thats what happens when two people dont really talk about their feelings which sometimes begin to form slowly w/o you even realizing it.He seems to have developed some feelings for you as well but couldnt show and tell and hence criticizing you.

What do you do now? tell him what he means to you in the way you believe he will listen to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Sun, 11-22-2009 - 2:13am

thank you so much. I actually called him when I was at work. He didnt want to talk at first but then he started saying He is tired of me not telling him anything and what he really meant was I behave like an associate. When I told him about what he said the other night, he didnt remember a lot as he was drunk. He said he cant believe he actually called me annoying. I gave him a little speech about me changing the way I am and he said he really doubts I will change but that he will give it a try. After that, I asked him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
In reply to: gapeach404
Sun, 11-22-2009 - 11:59am
You dont have to be the first one to declare your love.Its usually better to let the guy take the initiative.If he feels,he wont stay quiet for long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Sun, 11-22-2009 - 12:16pm

>>I cried through the whole night. Now, I sent him an email asking him to give me a chance but i dont know if thats gonna work. I am truly devastated because I developed very deep feelings for him and dont want to lose him. I have no idea what to do anymore.<<


He has already told you it's over; whatever "it" was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Sun, 11-22-2009 - 5:54pm

Look dear , maybe my answer is a bit inappropriate for you as I belong to a different culture where different rituals and customs are followed .

I hope I don't sound backward to you , but , I think so you should move on and be confident without even taking a bit of notice of that guy because he has been intimate with you for such a long time and you shared good times together and after all the mess which happened you tried to apologize , you were the one who don't wanted to walk away and all , but still he did not understand you and moved on without even noticing that you might get hurt and you are a human with feelings , and such minor faults are made over and over again , as we are humans . I don't think so you are over sensitive and all . Things often get so f****d up in your life that you have no control over it and yu start crying , getting irritated and all . So , you are totally rational and normal . He is the one who isn't . Who knows he was just pretending to understand you while behind the curtains his only purpse was to have some good SEXY TIMES with you .... Maybe , I sound stupid , but , I thought to drop in a piece of advice . These guys you may never know ... They keep n changing like seasons .
So , in short no need to develop any feelings for him and get yourself degraded by texting him and all for the RECONCILIATORY PROCESS .

You are a woman , and you are special . You must have to keep your dignity and pride . For heaven's sake you are not a left over meal .

Take care
Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:56am

i thought i would

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 12:25pm

Telling him things you haven't told anyone, getting closer to him, having sex and feeling more like it's "making love", these are all things you've done of your own accord without making it clear that you want to be in a relationship with him and forsake all others. You made the mistake that a lot of women here make - You took "acting relationship-y" for "actually being in a relationship". If you had spoken about this, the entire situation would have been avoided.

This guy clearly likes you a lot, but if you can't be honest about what you want and expect you will be disappointed. You say you've told him secrets that no one else knows - Why then can't you tell him you want a relationship from him? Whether he agrees or disagrees, you will at least know what you can expect from him and you won't have to go through what you're going through right now.

I have a pretty good feeling he is not going to reject you if you tell him what you want. Being afraid is not a good reason to hold yourself back from getting what you want. You can't expect things to magically change if you're not willing to make that change yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
In reply to: gapeach404
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 2:09pm
Its just a case of who should say first,you or him.Dont drive yourself insane.If you feel you cant keep it to yourself then tell him first,no harm.Then the ball is in his court and as you posted,i doubt you will be rejected.If not,you can move on rather than hoping for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2009
In reply to: gapeach404
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 2:25pm

you are very right, i need to tell him how i feel especially when i tell him all my other secrets. The problem is, I do not know how. I have been trying to sort things out in my head and tried hard to keep a little distance from him but we keep getting closer and closer. The other night he was chatting with his "friend" who is originally from jamaica and been trying to get him to go with her. When she found out he is in europe with her, she told him she needs to meet me because I must be real special to him. It made me feel so good and I almost told him everything but then our roommate walked in and I had no chance to tell him again.


I feel like a high school girl not to mention I am so jealous like never before. Honestly, I do not recognize myself.