NEED ADVICE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
NEED ADVICE!
5
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:11pm

I'm 31, and have known this guy for about 3 years. His wife died about 5 years ago. He's now 33, and has "been" with women since, but has not had a "girlfriend" since his wife passed away. For the past 2 years, we have "been" together on and off. He says that the reason why we've never actually "dated" is because he thought I was hung up on my ex -- whom I broke up with 2 years ago. I've stressed that's not the case and the only person I want to be with is him.

He's in a widow support club. I've asked him if he wants to remarry one day and have a family and he absolutely does. I can't tell if he likes me, but is still struggling with his wife's death -- OR -- does he enjoy his singledom and likes having flings with women so he does not have to committ again.

I've fallen completely in love with him -- head over heels. Can I tell him how I feel or will this ruin my chances? I feel like I need to lay it on the line with him -- and tell him. In the meantime, I'm not putting myself out there to meet anyone else because of my feelings for him, but I can't wait forever for him to decide....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: jamybeth
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 2:59pm

If not knowing how he feels is preventing you from pursuing other men and moving forward, then you need to tell him how you feel and find out how he feels about you.

It's that simple, you can't let yourself pine away for some guy indefinitely. If he likes you or rerturns your feelings telling him how you feel will NOT scare him off I promise.

However based on my personal experience, I would say he doesn't return your feelings. Not being 100% over his wife would not have prevented him form pursuing more with you if he returned your feelings. Men, as a general rule, don't analyze the way we do. He isn't sitting at home thinking to himself, "Is it wrong that I'm stringing jamybeth along. maybe she doesn't realize that I see this purely as friends with benefits. I hope she isn't falling in love with me. I wonder if I could love her if only I got over my wife."

That's how women think, not men.

If he's thinking at all, he's thinking, "I need to get over my wife. Having sex with jamybeth is great but I'm ready for soemthing more."

He's just using you not being over your ex as an excuse becasue he doesn't want his relationship with you to change.

By the way, personally I don't think this makes him a scuzzball. It sounds like he has never misrepresented what he was offering you and you are both adults. It's not his fault if you developed feelings for him and choose to not share that fact from him. If your feeling used it's because you misrepresnted the situation to yourself.

I know that sucks and it hurts, becasue I've done it myself before too. But blaming him for a situation you put yourself in wont do any good. So, if it turns out I'm right and he doesn't want anything more and has nothing more to offer, just move on and try to salvage the friendship. I've done that too, it's tough but it can be done.

Before you know it you'll have met someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: jamybeth
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:13pm
Well, dear you have the answer...this man is a player. He is a widower who belongs to a widow club..he gest the support and attention he wants. He seems to want to enjoy life. As you said it, he's had many women and YOU are one of them. You're "there" and agree to sleep/hang/talk, etc with him at his convenience so why committ to you OR anyone else for that matter? If you fell for him and want a chance please secure your seat belt because you're in for a violent crash. He may say "yes, I wanna marry SOMEDAY", but that doesn't mean that he's marry you if you stick around. I'd move on and leave the player with this women. Why waste more time with him? In a few months, when you're tired of waiting you'd realize that you lost your valuable time for what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
In reply to: jamybeth
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:59pm
I don't know if he is over his deceased wife or not, but I can tell you from experience you will probably never be able to live up to the standards of the deceased wife. I dated a widower some time ago, and to hear him tell it his wife and he had the perfect marriage. She was perfect, his life was perfect, everything perfect, perfect, perfect. Then I met some people that had known his wife and he, and their sorry was completely different. They were always fighting, etc., etc., etc. So, you see the dead sometimes get idolized and it is impossible to compete with someone who doesn't exist anymore. Just be cautious, and don't let his way of dealing with his grief bring you down. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: jamybeth
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 3:25pm

jb, as a widow about 18 mos. into the experience, I will tell you that the general concensus is it takes about 2 years for most people to overcome a trauma (death and divorce being equal). Some people heal quicker than others; some don't ever--it's a process and a choice.

Your guy was about 28 when his wife died and participates in a support group--good signs, given the facts that younger 'usually' means more resilient and he recognizes the need for support. However, how old was he when they married? Are there any children involved (and, if so, what are their ages and his relationship to them)? How many committed relationships (if any) did he have prior to the wife? What is his relationship like w/his parents? Does he seem sad a lot? Does he refer to her in a longing way? Or, is he able to tell you about times they shared, for the most part in a light or humorous way? All questions to which I've learned require answers before I'd even presume to dole out advice to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: jamybeth
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 7:00pm

Thank you for all of your advice.

I have decided to tell him how I feel. I am going to wait a few days since this weekend was the anniversary of his wife's death.

I am really scared to put my heart out there, but I am not even letting myself meet anyone else.