Need Advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Need Advice!
3
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:29pm
Hi, i just found this board. My name is Shatema and here's my situation. (sorry if long)I dont know where to start ok well my ex-bf proposed to me a few nights ago and well here's the deal we were together for 6yrs, we have 2 beautiful girls together (however he has other childen), now he left me when i was 4months pg w/our last daughter in may 0f 04 and we did not talk at all for the rest of that year and just started talking back to each other and he just started seeing the girls again like last month. Anyway I decided that I was going to relocate to MO, im in NV, so now he proposes saying he's changed that he was confused before and he wants a family and I don't know what to do. Could it be because im relocating and now he wants me back or should i give him a try. I dont know what to do. Please Help
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: msvegas2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:09pm

I wouldn't accept the proposal without having first gone to couples counseling, and working thru ALL your issues PRIOR to saying "Yes" or even "I do". I'd still move, and if he wants a r'ship with you, he'll make it work. If he tells you, "do this now, or lose me forever" he's just trying to force you to stay and keep you, even if it's not what he wants.

There are many people who dont' want someone, but dont want them to have anyone else either, nor be happy. So they keep playing with you like you're a yo-yo. But you're not.

If he's serious, he'll follow YOUR rules. Date him if you want. And I mean DATE him. Don't have sex, no sleeping over (unless on the couch and that's ONLY for the girls). Get to know him again. Make him PROVE to you that he's chnaged. And when I say "prove" I mean his actions should be equal to that of his words for at LEAST 6 months.

You can make it work, but he has to honestly be willing. see if he's willing to date you, go to counseling, even have an LDR for a bit. If he's not, tha'ts your answer. If he is, then give it a shot, maybe he has seen the light, but don't fall for any sweet stuff, see how he is in 3-6 months later.

hugs.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: msvegas2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:19pm
All I can say is that people do deserve second chances BUT take it slow this time. I made the mistake of getting back into a relationship and just jumped in. Take it slow really slow and see how and if it progresses. This way you can know you tried. ALso, keep in mind that it will be rocky in the beginning and that you have to be willing to give it a fair shot. Don't just give up immediately you hit a bump in the road. GIve it a true fair chance b/c we all deserve a shot at love. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: msvegas2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:06pm

Personally if I were you it would depend a lot on why I was moving. If I had a fabulous career opportunity one that would make a big difference for me and my children I would be tempted to move anyway and see if he's still interested. Long distance relationships can be tough, but if he was willing to stick it out and be patient and take it slow (as other posters have suggested) I would thing maybe he should have a second chance. If that's the case the distance wont keep it from happening.

If it's not a big job opportunity and I could make the move a few months later with no regrets, then I'd take it slow and see what happened locally.

One thing I absolutely would NOT do is give up a great opportunity for myself and my kids to pursue a maybe with a guy. It's just not worth it. The kind of love that is so fragile it'll break over a move isn't strong enough for me. Weird things happen in life and a love needs to be strong enough to endure anything life can through at it, which also means both people in it need to be strong enough to handle it too.

After all a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. Don't let a guy be your weak link, be sure you find a guy just as strong as you are.