Need advice about an EX

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Need advice about an EX
9
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:42pm

Okay,

First of all I would really appreciate any advice you can give me. I'll try to give a little background information first:

I've been dating my ex for three years and during this time we have broken up a couple of times and gotten back together. He is also 15 years older than I am. (Not sure if this is relevant).

Okay, about three months ago I ended things with him after I found out he was seeing someone else while we were still going out. He still denies this, but I have good reason to believe he was cheating on me (phone calls from this other woman - I actually spoke to her). Anyway, we went three months without speaking, emailing, or seeing each other.

So two weeks ago he shows up at my door. I was completely shocked. He was probably the last person I would have expected to see. He said he wanted to see how I was doing and we ended up talking for nearly two hours. We both have a lot going on - I'm about to graduate with my master's degree in two weeks - and he just lost his job due to downsizing. The problems with his job may cause him to relocate, I'm not sure.

Yes, we talked that day, but only enough to confuse me. And only about mundane things. Here I was moving on, or so I thought and then he shows up. But I did/do love him...he was a lot of things to me, and we went through so much.

So what do I do?? He looked terrible and kept saying how much he cares about me. He has my phone number again, but hasn't called me. Do I try to contact him or just let it be??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:48pm

Let it be...I would bet a lot of money he's looking for you to offer to take him in and take care of him. His pride probably won't let him *ask*, but he'd sure take you up on your offer. Don't go there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:05pm
I think that you have a lot to consider here. Are you willing to start over? If he wouldn't have come back would you have even considered getting back with him. There's nothing that we can tell you b/c only you know all the factors that come in to play. Bottomline is that he cheated and you both will have to work hard to rebuild this. Do you have it in you to do just that and has he learned from his mistakes? Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:20pm

Thanks for your comments. I would consider trying to work things out with him because I do have so much invested in the relationship. Of course this has caused problems before (we've been going back and forth for three years).

I'd really like to sit down and have a real conversation with him, but he's not usually a fan of that. But am I just supposed to randomly call him up? It was pretty random how he just showed up at my house two weeks ago. I just don't know if that is what he wants. That's what is so confusing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 10:44pm

Hey there - talking it out is the best solution but it's the when to do it is the question... if you wait it out to see what he does you won't put any extra pressure on him to have the 'talk'.. he may come to you first. But on the other hand, if you're like myself (and most women!) you will probably think about it evrery day until you do talk to him. So to spare yourself the agony of thinking about it , it's probably best to just call him up and say that since he stopped by you've been thinking about things again and you'd like to go for a coffee or something to chat. Let us know what you decide!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 8:30am
Thanks. I have been thinking about this every day! I'll probably just give him a call later in the week and see if we can meet up to talk about things. Wish me luck :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 10:42am

My ex & I were back & forth as well & once I left him 4 like 2 months,he came back proclaiming his undying love. Despite my doubts & the hurt he caused me he seemed so true 2 his feelings that I took him bk. The only thing was that he left me after 2 months saying that things werent the same mind u they were better! I was devastated b/c I thought he meant & was ready 2 mk us wk. My father, a man who rarely gives advise told me the following & I wish he would have told me earlier b/c it's so true so I hope it helps you....

There was a great division of the land & all of the animals needed 2 get across the body of water in order 2 survive. The frog prepared 2 leap across the body of water freely when all of a sudden he heard a voice in great despair. He turned 2 find a tarantula. The tarantula asked the frog if he could pls allow him 2 travel on his back in order 2 get across the water. The frog initially said no. The frog said what guarantee do I have that u will not bite & kill me? The tarantula said u have my word, please! The tarantula said I will do anything just please don't leave me here alone.The frog gave in & told the tarantula 2 jump on his back. The frog got 2 the other side of the water & told the tarantula that he could get off now. The tarantula then bit the frog & said u should know better. The frog asked why he would bite him after he saved him & the tarantula answered u should know better than 2 trust a desperate voice who would say or do anything in a time of desperation.

The moral of the story is that when people are desperate 2 gain something they'll say & do whatever it takes but once they get what they want they will go back 2 their old ways.

Goodluck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 5:56pm
Whatever you do, DON'T TAKE HIM BACK....take it from me...I was with my ex for 2 years and it sounds like the exact situation. He was 10 years older, we had broken up a few times while we were together, and then he cheated on me with his ex. Being so blind (and because I thought I was sooooo in love) I took him back when he showed up at my door, saying he had made the biggest mistake, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, blah blah blah....So we moved back in together and a few months later I found out that he was still seeing her behind my back...So on his birthday a few years ago (and a few weeks after I found this out) we made all these plans and I told him I would be home after work so we could go out and I never went back there again (only to get all of my belongings when he was at work one day.)!!!!! He went crazy that night, stayed up all night worrying, calling my parents (who knew of my plan but didn't tell him) and calling my cell about a million times (which I didn't answer)...I have no remorse for what I did, and why should I after the hell he put me through? ANYWAY, I don't want you to have to go through any of that so please please please don't go back to him....Because once a cheater always a cheater; he will never change so don't even try.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:45pm

Thank you to everyone who has posted a comment and their own personal ex tales.

Obviously I've been giving this a lot of thought and it does appear that the negatives outweight the positives. I'd love to believe he could change, but since I've been through this several times before with him already, I don't think he is able to. Reading your comments and having that reassurance has been helpful. I'm going to keep moving ahead without him.

Thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 3:33pm
Oh my God dont call..... You left him honey in the first place. Why? because he was cheating. You are an educated woman who obviously has goals. The moment you let him in look how he did you, he did not call. He knows or at least feels you will call him because men know us. He probably wanted to see you real bad but when he got there you probably showed him you missed him... thus taking your number and not calling and leaving you wide open. Just be cautious my sister