Need Advice DESPERATLY!!!Please respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Need Advice DESPERATLY!!!Please respond.
6
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 3:54pm
Please help me....Heres my problem I am a single divorced mother of one...My ex and I have split up and I am now working at going from a stay at home mom to a working mom and getting my own place for the first time which is scary all in itself..My problem is about a month and 3 weeks ago my daughter and I were down at our pool and I seen this guy and there was such a draw to him that I can't even explain it...I have never felt that way before either..It's not like he was drop dead gorgeous and stuff,I mean he was cute..It was something more.Almost spiritual..Anyways that evening I was sitting on the porch of one of my friends apartments having a few beers and it was like 11:00 p.m. And I had just got done telling my friend about the guy at the pool almost exactly what I told you guys.And out of no where he comes walking up to the porch.I about flipped out and my friends like wow look at the smile on your face is he the pool guy>>>I was like yeah it is..Anyways that night It ended up pouring down rain so I asked him if he'd like a ride to his apartment and by then I had a few beers in me, enough to end up making out with him in my car and going inside with him..Well after that night we began to hang out constantly and I got to know him really well we spent almost every waking moment together,he was married also and now divorced with a 4 year old boy I have a girl whos 6..We have a whole lot in common and we were so similar personality wise.Well things with my ex and I were already really bad and we had decided to be roomates about 3 weeks earlier or prior to meeting this guy...Well we ended up jumpping into a relationship real quick and it was wonderfull..He was everything I never had with my ex and everything I was looking for...Well the one thing that made me doubt him durring this is he had told me he had slept with his ex wife 2 months prior to meeting me and she is REMARRIED!!!I felt he wanted and still had feelings for his ex..Can you blame me??? So anyways he ended it with me and ever since then he said he just wants to be friends but the problem is is we jumpped that part..MY problem is this..I am confused..I don't know how to let those feelings for him go and it's hard to be around him..Should I stop hanging around him??He says maybe once I have my own place we might beable to hook back up..Should I trust this??It's hard to be around him because he has become a total different person..Should I just leave him be so I can heal or what???He broke my heart litterally.What do you see out of this mess???I mean I love him and I just don't know what to do..A part of me is like if he did love me like he said he did would'nt he want to be here for me now when I am going through HELL in this situation??I mean this guy even talked about us getting married someday>>>And now it is so different,...PLEASE HELP ME>>>>>>>SINCERLY INDEBTED,Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 4:35pm

Melissa,

Honestly, I think you should leave him alone. He slept with his married ex-wife, which says to me he has warped values and neither one of them respect the sanctity of marriage. If you were to marry him, who's to say he wouldn't cheat on you with her or with someone else?

As for what he wants from you now, it sounds like a classic case of FWB. He'll get what he wants from you (sex), while not having the exclusive relationship to go along with it. This would allow him to see others, sleep with others, while you remain STUCK on him, yearning and wanting more than he's willing to give you (just like you are now).

The only way you're going to be able to heal from this is to leave him alone and just move on.

You deserve better. Keep telling yourself that until you truly believe it in your heart.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:44am

I have to agree with the other poster. It sounds like you're interested in this man as more then a friend and it seems based on his actions he's interested in you as a friend he can have sex with and nothing more.

It also sounds to me like you could probably use some more time settling into your new role as working Mom before you start dating. Maybe even look back and closely examine your initial feelings about this guy. I mean after all it's been how long since you've had sex? And it's probably been even longer since you had really good sex. It's not like you'd be the first woman who in hindsight realized that "spiritual" draw you felt toward him was in reality just plan old fashioned horniness.

I know some people think my personal views on sex may not be for them, but the reality is it's VERY easy to talk ourselves into feeling drawn or connected to a guy and tell ourselves that it's "fate" or "spiritual" or "connection" because we just plain don't like admitting that we are sexual creatures with sexual needs and sometimes we just plain get horny. There's nothing wrong with that. But IMO it's a HUGE mistake to let ourselves believe it's more then that because that's what leads us so often to heartbreak and confusion and making poor choices in a partner... confusing sex and horniness with something more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:49am

Well, you just said so yourself that it is a "mess." I wouldn't trust a guy who was still sleeping around with his ex wife, who is remarried to boot. That's too weird. I would just brush him off. Tell him thank you for his honesty and that you really appreciate it but that you just don't want to get mixed up in some weird soap opera -sounding love triangle....or square. It sounds like you guys went too fast to begin with, and usually relationships that start out like that are doomed, I'm sorry to say. The only reason you might stay with him is because you like the challenge of getting him to overcome his feelings for his exwife, to prove that you're better than she is to him. It doesn't sound like it's worth it. I personally would rather have no significant other than to constantly worry about what he's doing with his ex wife, especially if they have a child together, because then he'll have no choice but to see her when he picks up the child for visits.

If you really do like the guy, however, and want to make a go of things, a good idea would be to have him tell his ex-wife's new husband what happened between the two of them 2 months ago. Tell him it would make you feel better and bring closure to the situation for you and that otherwise you won't be able to see him anymore because of the weirdness. I mean, she really was taking a chance doing that, especially if your new boyfriend and his ex wife left each other on bad terms. Didn't she think for a second that he might tell her new husband out of spite to get her back or something? She's an idiot, lol.

Good luck! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 11:53am
I wanted to thank you for your advice...But truth be told since we broke things off he has'nt been trying to have sex with me??He says he wants to take it alot slower..What do you get out of that?? Do you think he's stringing me along as a back up? Do you think he's trying to reconnect with his ex wife??I mean when I have been over there she will call and he will leave the room to talk to her??Whats up with that???Pisses me off..Well now I can't say anything about it but what about when we were together??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:25pm

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Yes, he should.

Stay away from him, definitely DON'T get involved in talks with his ex or her new marriage and concentrate on building a life with you and your child. Forget trying to get answers about anything from when you were together. He treated you badly, took advantage of a situation and has told you he doesn't want to be together. You need no more clues than that. And, being recently divorced, haven't you had enough of the BS anyway? Be honest with yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:14pm

Melissa,

You're quite welcome for the advice. My additional two pesos on the matter are still the same as before. Leave him alone. Leave the man alone Melissa! Telling you he wants to take it a lot slower sounds like an effort on his part to place you on the back burner and STILL keep you hanging on and continually hoping for more. It's like he's dangling a carrot above you and you're still steadily trying to reach it.

If it will help you any, take one BIG GIANT STEP backwards and think for a minute:

When you think of attributes or characteristics of the type of guy you want to fall hopelessly in love with, does he:

Still sleep with any of his ex's?
Still sleep with his ex who's married?
Sleep with married women?
Lead you on/string you along, giving you false hope that he'll be yours someday?
Have sex with you on a whim rather than because he truly loves you?

Of course, the answer to all of the questions above should be NO. If you stop and think about it, this guy you're stuck on fits the questions above to a "T". He's no good, his values stink, he's sleeping with his ex-wife who's MARRIED (which is just TOTALLY NASTY), and you think this guy is a winner? A keeper?

YUCK!!!

You're headed for Heartbreak Hotel with this guy Melissa. If you keep it up, you're bound to get burned.

Stay away from the hotel!!!

Take care,
Heymum