Need advice on LTR, please.
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:10pm |
I will have been dating “Tom”, a widowed physician, for 2 years this August. We’re both around 50. Our relationship became exclusive and monogomous after dating for about 3 months, and has been ever since. Tom has known from the start that I'd like to remarry someday.
About a year ago, Tom started developing some physical problems after taking an astronaut simulator ride at an amusement park. These problems include back pain, chest pain, neck pain, headaches, dizziness, cramping, trouble sleeping, anxiety and depression. Tom has seen at least a dozen doctors to try and get to the bottom of this and figure out what it is. He traveled to another state to see a specialist last Oct. He's had pain injections and physical therapy. And since September, he's been taking anti-depressant medication. He started weaning himself off the medication 2-3 months ago, and has now been off it completely for two weeks. Unfortunately, a lot of the old symptoms have reappeared.
Tom has his good days and his bad dasy. You can't tell by looking at him that anything is wrong. But this disease is still unresolved, Tom's still not completely certain what it is (he suspects it's myofascial pain syndrome - basically, muscle pain), and Tom still doesn't know if it will get worse, stay the same, or get better. And if it does .... when.
Since last fall, we’ve talked casually about marriage several times. He often jokes, “After we’re married….” We've even looked at houses - for fun. Earlier this year, I told Tom that I’d like to be engaged by our 2-year anniversary, and then marry in the summer or fall of next year when his third child is off to college. But even though Tom jokes "After we're married....," I've gotten subtle hints from Tom that he doesn’t feel he can make any real plans for our future until he figures out what’s going on with himself physically.
The medication he was on, and the ones he's considering taking next, take several weeks to "get up to speed" and then several more weeks to "get off of completely". So it's a time consuming process. It could take months for him to figure out the best medication to take. It could take months - or another year or two - to figure out if this disease will get better, get worse, stay the same. Meantime.... I'm left on hold.
How long should I wait to know if Tom will marry me? How plausible is his excuse/reason not to get engaged this August, especially when I’m suggesting we not marry for another year? How much more time do I invest in this relationship?
Please share your thoughts. Thanks.

Pages
Yes, I understood that you were the one who said that about marriage not being on the radar screen...but if he *really* believed that's what you thought, why would he make references to being married??? That's why him bringing up what you said is a dirty fighting tactic...he's throwing your words in your face, when he KNOWS that a, you've changed your mind since then because you discussed it in Feb, and b, he doesn't really believe it's not on the radar screen, because if he did, he wouldn't be saying things like "when we are married".
In any event, his lack of empathy for your feelings would concern me. There has to be a middle ground that works for both of you and takes both of your feelings into account. I'd say something like, "ok, you feel this way and I feel that way. How can we fix this so that both of us feel ok with it?"
You need to ASK him whether he really wants to marry you, and if he says he does, what are the barriers to making that happen, and what timeline does he have in mind. And you need to ask him WHY he thinks you wouldn't be engaged until the end of 2006, when you've made it clear you want to be engaged by August 2005.
I'm sure he *does* want things to be easy...but compromising and working to see that your SO's needs are met (without completely sacrificing your own) is part of being in a r'ship. That's NOT easy, especially when you're older and are somewhat set in your ways.
Sheri
Pages