need advice now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
need advice now!
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 7:47pm
about 6 months ago, i met someone (and mind you, i come from a traditional home where introductions/marraige happen pretty quick)
we've been dating and things have been pretty much great, with minor blips.
a while back, i found old pics of his w/an ex in aruba, which were taken the first month he and i started talking. we had a huge blowout over this, and came to terms w/the fact that things are over b/w them, and the trip had been booked when he and i had only been on a few dates (nothing serious yet).
as soon as he got serious w/me, he had made sure he was completely clear of all these things. this obviously threw me off for a while (i've been cheated on before), but i accepted it as past situations and moved forward w/him. i do trust that he's faithful.
he constantly tells me how much he loves me, wants to marry me now. however, now he's booking trips for weddings w/out me, and still seems to have a 'single' guy's mindset about certain things (boys nights, bachelor parties, city life, etc)
today, when i mentioned my concern over not being invited to a wedding as a couple, he got upset and claims that he can't control someone else's invite, and i'm becoming a nagging he wants time to 'reevaluate' the relationship because he's not sure if he can deal w/my nagging...
obviously i'm distraught, i can't understand how someone would view this as nagging or unreasonable, and i don't know if he's playing a power trip w/me b/c he knows i'll probably forgive him again. i'm lost.
and i'm sorry for this long msg, but i could really use your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: ndugga01
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 10:31am

Are you sure he was invited with an "and guest" clause? I think you are unreasonable to assume you are always invited to a wedding just because he is. I've been to weddings where the couple did not ask all single people to invite a guest.

You would also be hard-pressed to find a guy who wants to entirely give up going to guy's nights out or bachelor parties for a girlfriend of only six months. Think of what he looks like to his friends - "I can't come because my girlfriend doesn't want me to". You look like you're trying to ruin his friendships or at least change the person he is. If you don't like the life he leads, then you need to leave. I have no idea what "city life" entails but I would never begrudge a guy his time with his friends because that is a controlling woman does. Maintaining his friendships is more important than his relationship with you - Sorry to say but you sound like my boyfriend's ex who slowly eradicated all of the long-term friendships he had, some of them for good.

He really should reevaluate the relationship, and you should reevaluate your attitude toward relationships in general - When you are dating someone, and even when you're married, you don't own a man, he is still an individual who needs to nurture the person he was before he met you. I'm not sure exactly how he's acting like a single guy, how often he goes to bachelor parties or nights out on the town or weddings without you, and maybe you're right about his behavior - if so then you are better off finding someone else. But you should at least think about how reasonable you are being with regard to your expectations for him. He's a human being with a life outside of you and that's not something you can ever change in any man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
In reply to: ndugga01
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 2:38pm
It sounds like 1) the two of you approach relationships very differently, 2) the two of you dont want the same things right now
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: ndugga01
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 5:03pm
YUP - Basically this!! A relationship that meets these criteria doesn't usually stand a chance in hell of lasting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: ndugga01
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 10:19am

Sounds like this guy has got "ISSUES"...and you need to leave this one...cause it's not gonna work (and trust me it's him...not you).

You have every right to be upset at this loser's actions with you. Talking about getting married sounds like a ploy by him to keep you around. Because a guy wouldn't say that and be doing the things you say he's doing w/o you.

Normally when a guy is truly ready, he'll leave his party days behind and do things more with you. Now there will be night where he wants to do things by himself from time to time, as well as you should be too.

As far as him talking about being serious, did he actually state that he wanted to be exclusive...or what? Honestly he's got issues, and real men will treat you better than that.

BTW, the "nagging" is something that he created, and is perfectly reasonable. He talked about being serious, and said things were over with the ex, yet he isn't proving and showing to you that he really wants to be "serious". The "he can't control someone else's invite" comment he made, if he stated that you two were serious, he could have at least asked...OR...said look I got an invite, couldnt get you in, but next time we will. His non actions are speaking different than his words.

And yes you are right he's playing head games with you to keep you on a short leash. This loser needs to be kicked to the curb, and having bad signs this early should tell you it's never gonna work out.

While you still can!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
In reply to: ndugga01
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 11:10am


Welcome to the board! It seems to me that you both want different things at this point. I am assuming that because of the way he reacted to the wedding invite conversation it shows that this isn't the first time you have brought this up. What exactly is it that you want from your bf? To get married? TBH, you both don't really know each other at six months.

As far as nights out with friends, I am in a relationship of almost three years, and we both still do it. The person you are with shouldn't be the be all and end all of your relationship. He doesn't "complete" you, nor do you "complete" him. It is perfectly ok to have seperate interests and hobbies, or ways to unwind.

I think the most important thing that you need to realize is that just because you may think you are ready for marriage doesn't mean that your bf is. And to me, I think he has the right idea. Your relationship is relatively new, what's the hurry? Good Luck