Need help on this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Need help on this!!
3
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:34pm
I am really in need of some advice here!! My Ex and his girlfriend broke up, well she left him because she needed "space"! He had called me early in the day to ask me what time I got off work and if I wanted some comapny, I said yes that would be fine. Well he comes over all depressed tellig me what happend and wanting my opinion on the situation. What is so WRONG about the whole thing is he left me in June stating that we just werent going anywhere, we were together for 3 years! So as he is telling me all this I am telling him how bad i felt for him, just thinking he has alot of nerve! Well when the 6 pack was finished (yes, i was drinking...i had to in a situation like this) I told him how I really felt "karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around!" After that was said i was really letting him have it, we were laughing and joking around. One thing leads to another and we were in my bed, him telling me he was still in love with me, and i am the only one who really makes him smile, and just saying all the things that made it really difficult to understand why we broke up in the first place, after it was done (3 minutes!! LOL, he was having some difficulty which is another issue with us!) we layed there and talked about everything for hours. He leaves. And now I am left wondering why I did it. Where is it going to go? Do I return his calls? Do I call him? I am still really vunerable when it comes to him!! I love him with all my heart! but I really cant be hurt by him again!! What should I do? any advice would help out alot!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:00pm

C'mon Samantha!!!

You're a big girl! PG is assuming that you're smart enough to recognize you were in the company of 'a lonely man looking for a little sex and sympathy?' The fact that you both consumed the alcohol just speeded up the process!!!

Ask yourself HONESTLY why the 2 of you broke up the first time? Compare the reasons for the break-up to the conversation the 2 of you had after the S-E-X part was over! Were certain terms or feelings similar? Was there any real regret (on his part)?

I don't think anybody on this board (or any other ivillage boards) likes the thought of trying again with the possibility of "GETTING HURT A 2ND TIME?" But this risk is always present whenever you 'revisit a past partner!'

My question is...WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT...PUTTING THE INCIDENT OUT OF YOUR MIND OR TRYING AGAIN WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF GETTING HURT? It's your call!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:04pm
how long was he with her and keep in mind she dumped him and he would still be with her if she didnt and you would have never heard from him,
even though you love someone doesnt always make it the right choice, and i think you will relize that when you actually meet a man who respects you and goes out of his way to make you happy, trust me they are out there and usually when you least expect them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:10pm

Wow, I hear ya. Well I guess my question would be, before you two hooked back up, did you have any feelings for him...or felt the need to go back to him?

Second thing is that "he found that the grass was still green on the other side" meaning that he knocked on the door and you let him back in willingly. Ex's always come back in some form or another, especially when they break up with someone, are extremely lonely, or something has smacked them upside the head...in this case it did(You were a rebound). You need to make the decision on whether or not you want to continue the same track before you hooked up, or something else.

He WILL keep knocking at your door for a booty call since you let him in...if you know what I mean. He'll talk about getting back together, and talk about how much he loves you and misses you, etc. Men tend to say things in the heat of the moment, or say what a girl wants to hear, and a lot of times men tend to BS a lot to get what they want. And yes, my ex had a "3 minute problem" too, so I feel for ya. He might have those feelings, but give it at least a good year...and if he still has those feelings and never stopped having them...then you'll know how he truely feels.

Since your feelings have now gotten all messed up because of this, you need to think clearly. I don't think after 8 or 9 months that whatever the reason it was that you two broke up is going to be any different now. He hasn't changed! So whatever kind of thoughts that are in your head about getting back together or hooking up...well...I think you're going to get hurt on this one.

I had an ex for 3.5 years, and broke up with him mainly because it wasn't going anywhere. Initially, I contacted him for the first 3 weeks, and after that he pissed me off so I cut all contact. I've found that he's come back and still knocking at my door every now and then. Not a week goes by that he doesn't call me/contact or try to see me. I've gone out on several dates, and so has he. He said he wants to get back with me, but w/o the "serious" RL attachment. But I told him that in order for us to be together we both need to be at the same point/level in our lives, then we can talk. I know that he's not willing or capabile of that. It's REALLY hard not to talk with someone that you were with for so long. I've been told to cut him out cold turkey, but that's easier said than done. But for me keeping that distance and silence is better, that way I can get over him. I love my ex dearly to, but I'm not in love with him. And the situation that you are in right now...for me is something that I'm scared to put myself in. But I know that I may put myself in that down the road.

You had 3 years with him, and for whatever stupid reason he broke up with you because "you two weren't going anywhere". Your relationship ran it's course, and I think it's time to put things to bed. As much as I hate to say it, go out and find someone new. Don't sit and worry yourself to death wondering if he'll come around again. Don't make/put any excuses out there for him, make excuses for yourself that you're busy and moving on with life. Maybe though in a few years time, you two can be friends again once you both have some space and time to grow up.

I would do the same exact thing that you did before you hooked up with him, in fact maybe put some more distance to it. Think about it this way, the more distance that you put between you two the better off you will be...you'll have the upper hand in this case. He may call/contact you just for a booty call or just to "talk", or to make "small talk", so just keep that in mind. But DON'T put yourself back into a situation where you're going to get hurt again. Think of all the bad times, times that he's made you cry and how you felt after he broke up with you. Trust me, it will help you to refocus.

I'm assuming that you have been doing good after the breakup, so don't let something like this push you back into it. Trust me, it will get better. You need to move forward with you're life and find someone that's sure of himself and will treat you like a queen.