Need help PLEASE!!
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| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 3:30am |
Hello,
I'm in great need of some help in interpreting my recent experience and what things mean now. I'll just explain first that I am a 21 year old female and I have never been kissed, never been out with a guy, etc. Never done any of that. I'm very quiet and have had insecurity/self esteem issues so it has been easier for me to shy away from situations than find myself around new people. Well, I've been working on that over the years and things have started to change.
On New Year's Eve, I had a completely unpredictable night. I picked up my brother and his friend from a party. The friend had made small talk with me by asking me a few questions earlier on in the evening before they left for the party, and I knew him from highschool. I've never talked to him, but he'd been in a few of my classes (he's my age) and is a fairly good friend of my brother's.
So when I picked them up and the 3 of us were hanging out for awhile, I started to think maybe this guy was a little interested in me. I brushed it off from my mind though because I figured I was likely wrong. Well it turns out I wasn't wrong. I should also say that he was drunk. Not in an obscene, ridiculous way. Just in a way that said he wasn't afraid to talk to me, he voiced everything but he still seemed pretty calm. I think in general he's a bit more of a quieter guy.
So, the 2 of us ended up hanging out together for the rest of the night. We played pool, and he was definitely more interested in trying to talk to me than in playing pool. He'd sometimes get closer to me and I didn't know what to do and would move away. I was just nervous! Several times I'd move and he'd find me again. But it's not that I didn't want it. I did, I just didn't fully realize it at the time.
So eventually we were just sitting together, and he got up and then was looking right at me. He took his time, made sure I was comfortable and there were no surprises, and he eventually kissed me. After that we just sat together, made out a bit. He was very good at everything he did. From getting my attention in a good way at the beginning, to making me feel wanted, to kissing me well...everything was great.
We both kinda knew I think without saying that we were just having fun. We go to different schools, and I think he has already gone back to school. The thing is that my feelings got more attached than I thought they would. I don't have to start something up with him, but I wish I knew if he was a little interested now.
Since this was my first kiss, my first experience of the like, I was nervous and a little akward, and didn't know so well about what to do or what to say. Still, the whole thing went fairly well since he seemed to know what he was doing.
I waited a few days, and then decided I just wanted to thank him, to tell him that everything was really good - I wanted to compliment him because he had made everything so great, and I hadn't really done that in the moment, feeling nervous and distracted.
I tried to add him to my online list for msn, and that was 2 days ago, but he hasn't added me so I haven't been able to comunicate with him. Then 2 nights ago I sent him an e-mail. I realized I could just say how I felt that way, so I wrote a note thanking him, telling him how great everything was, and left it at that.
The problem is, I haven't heard from him. I know he is not some crazy guy who fools around with girl upon girl because I've asked about him. True, it was just something fun we did in the moment and it wasn't really something I think either of us thought about pursuing. But I would just like to know that he got my message.
I am just wondering why he isn't responding. I find it hard to believe he hasn't seen his computer screen at all in 2 days, although it's possible that it is the case. Again, all I did was to thank him. Is it expecting too much to want a response, or does it seem like he basically just wanted to leave things with that night only? Or maybe he's playing a game...is that possible? Or that he just finds it uncomfortable to write back. Maybe he just wants to avoid me.
I don't know, and it's driving me crazy that I don't know what he's thinking. I already had a friend send him a message online to tell him that I'd sent him an e-mail. That was all I did. I just wanted to make sure he would know I sent an e-mail. After that, I am not communicating anything else because I don't want to seem pushy.
I just don't get it...he seemed to really like me on that new year's eve night. Of course, he was trying to win me over so he could make out with me, but isn't it probable that the person has some kind of feeling for you? I did ask him near the end when we were still together if he was still drunk and he said, "Right now, I would say no."
I just wish I knew what he was thinking. He doesn't seem like the type of guy who would just be in it for the fun and then would not want to even talk to me afterwards. Maybe he really is busy, I don't know...or maybe it just was all alcohol talking. Is that possible? Like you can be kind of drunk and it makes it easier to say how you feel and not be so shy, but isn't that just a representation of the feelings you already had, drunk or not?
Anyways, any input would be greatly appreciated! Am I reading too much into things and it's just possible that he's really busy, or does he for seem reason not want to respond to me at all? Thanks everyone.

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I'm sorry to say, but in this day and age making out with someone does not necessarily mean that they want to date you. I do feel your disappointment - because back in my teens (some 20 years ago) I have wondered why a guy would make out with me when they had no intention of dating me....but that's the way it is. And yes, even 'nice' guys and girls will do this.
Regarding the alcohol effecting his behaviour: Alcohol doesn't make us lie outright, but it does make us feel emotions that aren't real. Many other people find that alcohol intensifies their feelings. Some people fall in love when they're drunk (and out of love when sober again) while others become angry or depressed. And one doesn't have to be clinically drunk to feel this way - just one or two drinks can do this. Alcohol can also make us attracted to someone who we would not ordinarily be attracted to.
I don't believe that he's actually avoiding you, but I also think that he would have contacted you by now if he intended to see you again. Most likely, you were a fun girl to kiss on a night out and that's where he intends to leave it.
(speaking of alcohol, it's Friday evening here and I've had a couple of wines....please bear with me if this post has a few typos)
HEre's the deal.
he's your brothers friend. I'm sure your brother has alluded to the fact that you're a virgin in every sense of the word. You've never dated, you've never kissed, you've never hung out and hooked up, etc. In short you're totally WITHOUT experience around guys at all.
The buddy was drinking......while you say "I check and he doesn't casually hook up/make out" - you're absolutely wrong. Drinking might haev given him the 'courage" to do it - but you were available, the time was right, you were willing....and thre was no obligation to it whatsoever.
He had nothing to "lose" if you refused oh well, you're uptight and inexperienced. And if you cooperated great - he might get more than just kissing - he might pop a cherry.
But the reason you're not hearing from him is that this was a totally casual, spontaneous, in the moment thing. And I'm willing to bet it's something he didn't think thru very well, in a drinking haze.
He finds you cute, he found you willing, and most importantly he found himself "wanting sexual type interaction"...so he pursued it.
What he overlooked because you were all that was around and available and willing, is that you're his buddy's sister, that he knows has absolutely NO experience at all with men whatsoever.
What he doesn't want is this getting back to your brother - that your first kiss was a result of him being horny and not caring about you at all. That your first make out session wasn't with somoene you were dating - but someone you "hooked up with". He probably figures that your brother might go a little nuts and accuse him of "taking advantage" of you.
and that said, the guy really doesn't want to date you or go out or anything else. It was in teh heat of the moment, in the spirit of the evening..and that's all it was.
YOu asking for more contact - puts the fear of God into him that your brother is goin to find out and accuse him of taking advantage of your innocence. And your niavety is showing in thinking that a guy that was willing to make out with you on a whim, doesn't make out with anybody willing when he's in the mood on a whim either.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thanks for your response as well. Although I don't think I am necessarily being naive...I knew he was all about the fun and in the moment and I was sure it was for that one night only. And I do think that yes, if he had another opportunity like that with someone else he would take it as well. But I asked what he was like at parties, around lots of people, and someone told me their impressions, that's all.
But I do value your honesty very much. I think like you said, it all comes down to the fact that he was a guy who wanted what he wanted in the moment, and I wanted it to.
He finally did add me to onto instant messaging. I don't know that it makes a difference. I sent him the one e-mail, and that's all I really needed to say. But if he wanted to talk to me at all, at least now there's an opportunity.
I am also wondering just how much the alcohol affected him. I don't really drink so I don't know...I am just wondering if, had he not been drinking, even if he didn't act on anything, would he still have considered me attractive. I'm sure the alcohol made me seem more attractive, but if he wanted all of that from me does that mean he still considered me attractive before - I had talked to him briefly before he had gone out and been drinking. I guess I am just hoping that beyond the alcohol, he still considers me pretty. Like, wouldn't someone consider someone else at least somewhat attractive even without alcohol, but then the alcohol made it seem easier to pursue that person?
Edited 1/6/2006 4:53 pm ET by luvskating
Honey, there's a saying that is accurate "the girls all get prettier as closing time".
And waht you need to take away from that is the fact that most men consider something about most women attractive.....very rarely do men have to be with a "10" or even a "2" in order to find something attractive enough to make out with, if that type of action is what they're after.
I'm sure he found you attractive......as the night went on he found out you were willing.
But one of these days you're going to get into a relationshp and find the guy you're dating's head swivel on his neck at some pretty girl - while he's holding your hand walking down the street.
It doesn't mean you're "less" attractive because of his reaction. It means "she's pretty too".
Guys aren't generally doing' comparative analysis about girls or women and going "well, no sorry - not good enough in terms of the looks department."
Some men never outgrow the desire to have eye candy on their arm -they'll pay to put it there when hey age, if they're hot when they're young - it'll be there as a default of thier attractiveness itself. And if he's got money - he'll have eye candy all his life he that is what he wants.
Here's a base line way to thin about it - what a guy is pursuing - that's all he wants. So when he didn't ask you out on a date, or if he could contact you for a date prior to all the making out - you knew that's allh e wanted. If he wasn't shy about doing that - he sure enough isn't too shy to ask for your number or ask you out.
Don't EVER take a guy's willingness to get physical as an indication that you're attractive, or that you're intelligenty, or that you're a "worthy" person. Anybody can hae sex, anybody can make out - lots of people do it all the time and it means "nothing" to either or one of htem.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Wingblade is right on when she said that all girls look good at closing time. With enough drinks under his belt, a man could even find Rosanne Barr singing the national anthem attractive.
Here in Australia, I've heard of a ratings scale for women. A '1' is someone who looks attractive after 1 drink and a 5 is someone who starts to look attractive when you've had 5. You don't want to know how someone who is a 10 looks!
Honestly, I think that you're spending far too much time worrying about whether or not he finds you pretty. A pretty partner is good for a date or two - until their personality drives you insane. Whereas a girl who is intelligent, kind and caring will be the one gets called back.
Attractiveness can help you meet someone, but it's your personality that helps you keep someone.
Thanks very much for your responses. It is true that I am analysing it too much and focusing on all the little details. And you are right that the personality has to be there, whether or not you have good looks. I do think the guy and my personalities worked well for the night, but that's beside the point since we aren't communicating now.
And, I did also want to be kind and caring - that's why I sent him the e-mail. I wanted him to know that I really appreciated everything...I guess it doesn't matter anymore if he ever responds to it (maybe it's just too weird now), but at least I had the chance to drop him a note saying thank you. And hopefully he'll remember that he made out with a nice person as well.
He enjoyed it because that's all he was there for.
He'll regret it if you keep contacting him trying to turn it into something else.
And FYI - "thanking a guy" for making out with you screams "I'm a doormat, any type of attention works, keep me on your list at number 45 when you have nothing better to do."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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