Need an opinion on a friends problem...
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 6:24pm |
I hope you all can give me some advice....i'm not sure what to do here....
I have a very good friend from college who is dating a girl that I set him up with. He and I have been in the same close circle of friends for about 8 years and she and I were just casual friends at the time they got together. They have been dating for about 2 years now and living together for about 9-10 months.
She is *very* much in love with him. I believe that he loves her too. Towards the begining of their relationship, he had doubts about her (ie she would be perfect if she would just do this or have a better job, etc.). He has had various minor problems with her since then, but nothing major. In March, they went engagement ring shopping. He was going to buy the ring a few weeks ago to propose on their vacation. When he got to the store, he had a panic attack and couldn't go in. Since then, he has had several more attacks.
Several of his friends don't think he should marry her. We've believed this since before we found out about the panic attacks. We keep finding ourselves saying, "We like her fine, but....". She is very nice, but she's just not his 'true magic love.' I know he feels some pressure since they have built a life together over the past 2 -3 years.
Another friend mentioned to him this weekend that 'maybe she wasn't the one' but he didn't seem to take it too seriously. I think he feels pressure to get married and have kids (we're in our early 30s).
My question is: What should we do? I think if he married her, he would be happy. But is it enough to 'just be happy?' We would love for him to find the love of his life because he really deserves that kind of happiness. Should we encourage him to think twice? We don't want to ruin our friendship with him.
Thanks!
amy

Encourage him to think it through but don't push. If he tells you to back off, back off.
I know a guy in a similar situation and I have been in a similar situation myself. It's easy to let the pressure mount and soemtimes it feels like it would just be easier to give into the pressure then deal with the immediate consequences. Of course, that's short-sighted and doesn't take into consideration the LONG-TERM consequences.
Encourage him to talk about it. Let him know that it's normal for him to feel these thigns nad that you're there for him and that you will keep his confidences no matter and that if he does decided to marry her you will not hold anything he says against her.
Speaking as a woman just four days out from her wedding day, I can honestly say when it's right you may be a little nervous but you aren't scared and you DEFINITELY aren't having panic attacks. If he's panicing before he even makes things official he's got BIG problems and you're right to be concerned.
Just keep the friendship a priority and don't alienate him by pushing let him talk. Point things out he may not have considered but don't push, suggest. And like I said if he says back off, back off and remind him that you'll support him no matter what he decides, you're just concerned for him.