need some advice!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2010
need some advice!!!
8
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 10:15pm
The other night, I asked my boyfriend of 2.5 years if he had any plans of having me in his future. He is 36 and I am 24, so there is quite an age difference between us. After hearing that he has no plans of anyone in his future, and then talking we decided that we need to take some time apart. I am now crushed, because a part of me feels like I said goodbye to him forever, even though he reassured me that we would see each other again. I need some advice!!! Do I move on, or wait to see what happens with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 12:26am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 11:45am

I had this talk too with my boyfriend afer about 1 year of dating. I didn't want to go down the wrong path for too long. So it's good that you asked and that you know what his feelings are.

Take it as a blessing. You can move on, and find someone who does want you in their future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 11:25am
I just wanted to send you some big ((HUGS)). It sounds like his heart is not in it 100%, but that's not to say that a break won't show him how much you mean to him and he'll realize he wants you back. Remember the saying "If you love something, set it free?" If it was meant to be, it will come back. ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 2:58pm

As difficult as it is, you should be moving on and not looking forward to seeing him again. Even if you do take a break, he's probably not going to change his mind.
If at some point (soon) he comes back to you and says "I can't live without you, I'm sorry, I know now that I want a future with you" then that's something to think about, but it's unlikely. After two and a half years together, most people have a clear picture of what they want from a relationship and don't need a break to figure it out. It's rare that a break does much more than temporarily making two people miss one another, which ultimately doesn't by itself solve anything.

I'd take what he says to heart and focus on yourself, your friends, your career, hobbies, family, interests. If he needs you in his life, he'll make it VERY clear to you, you won't have to ask him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 6:20am

I agree with everyone else: take this opportunity to find someone who actually wants you in their future!

I've been dating that same guy for almost 3 years, waiting for him to show me that he wants a future with me and guess what...I'm still waiting! :( Instead I find myself desperately wanting out but now I'm stuck with him, for financial reasons (for the time being).

I mean this with no disrespect, but your question to him feels like you were trying to put words into his mouth, and what you got in return was not what you wanted to hear. He gave you an honest answer but you have to be realistic about the situation. Could he have said anything that wouldn't have upset you other than, "Yes— I see you in my future."?

You can't pressure anyone into giving you the answer you want to hear with a question like that and you know what? You shouldn't because you deserve to know the truth, not a guilt-ridden answer someone conjured up as not to hurt your feelings. If his heart isn't in it, isn't now the time to find out? Better to know before you hit the age where your girlfriends are all getting married, you feel the ache and burn of not being in the same situation because you're stuck wasting time with the guy that will never be worthy of what you have to offer in the first place! (me*cough*)

Good luck! Love is out there and if he's the one, he'll be back, maybe even for good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 3:53am
I agree with the other posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 2:52pm

I went through a break-up in February that started with him telling me we needed to "take a break." After about two weeks, I was going out and about and starting to feel better (somewhat) and notice other guys...so I decided not to wait around, and told him that if he missed me someday, by all means, give me a call...but that I was moving on.

Well, guess what? He DID end up wanting me back (after 4 months apart), but it was too late: I had already met my current boyfriend and started dating him. He was not happy that I told him it was too late. But oh well.

So...I do not recommend waiting around for him. It does hurt, but it is much more freeing to decide to move on than it is to torture yourself with the "when is he coming back?" train of thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Sun, 07-25-2010 - 7:51am

I agree with the posters who have given you solid, unsentimental advice here. I think you're much younger than I am--no matter your age, it doesn't get easy. Asking a pointed, specific question is important and you have to be prepared for the truth. Frankly, I think The Truth is best.

A year and a half ago, I asked this: "Have your feelings for me changed?" I was in a relationship that was turning from something potentially serious to a very different scenario.

His response: "No, I don't think so. I thought we were having a good time."

Superficial. Trite. A cover-up. He couldn't respond honestly. At that moment my feelings changed BECAUSE he'd led me to believe we had something other than a sort of fun-ship.

I moved on the next day.

Do the same. Good advice in those posts. The irony is your man will respect you for it, even if he never says so out loud.