Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Need Some Advice
4
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 8:18am

Ok here I go again, havent been on much lately. But I need to vent!! Ive been dating this guy for 10 months. Lately I think of ending it, even though I have feelings for him, because I see so many things wrong, and I dont think Ill ever have a committment from him. His idea and my idea of committment are two different things. Hard part is letting go because of my feelings, but Im attempting to slowly detach.

Well Wednesday was my Birthday. He couldnt see me because he was working and I really wanted to celebrate it with my kids. Anyway, he did call me at 6am to say Happy Birthday. But when he came down today to take me to lunch, there was no gift.

Now Im not a shallow person, or materialistic, but I was a bit hurt and disappointed that he gave me nothing. Not a card... nothing.

Am I wrong here? Would a card or flowers have been too much to expect? I dont think so!!

So what do I do? Kind of hard to say, gee thanks for not getting me anything for my birthday!! I havent dated for many many years. Im divorced and was married for 21 years. If the husband did that i could ream his butt!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 8:50am
Since you are trying to detach, you can regard his birthday behavior as a little detachment help. In general, I would say that after ten months you could hope for more acknowledgement than a phone call, but in this case, don't look that particular gift horse in the mouth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 2:45pm

You have to tell him straight out that it bothers you that he doesn't acknowledge your birthday as a special day, and the fact that he doesn't care to bother to even get a card and flowers ( TO SAY THE LEAST), makes you feel unappreciated, unimportant, and you expect more than that from him (especially after 10 months).

If you do not see him react and behave thereafter in a way that he should, then you obviously should end it. In a relationship it's the little things that count, not to mention such occasions as birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. I'm sure there are other things that are bothering you about your relationship, OTHER than the gift situation, so take some time to think this through.

Honestly I would not tolerate this kind of behavior in general, if you do not put your foot down now when your dating now, imagine how things would get further down the road.

With that said, sweetie, love and appreciate yourself, and the men soon will follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 6:21pm

<< Hard part is letting go because of my feelings, but Im attempting to slowly detach. >>

I'm going to recommend a book on the this topic ... "The Language of Letting Go", Melody Beattie. It's a wonderful book, because it's basically daily affirmations, doesn't have to be read from beginning to end ... truly, it's the most meaningful book I have in my library.

That said, I'll share an exerpt from it, on the subject above:

<< Detachment is a gift. When we set the other person free, we are set free." ... << We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We seperate ourselves and our process, from others and their process. We reliquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsiblity for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life is unfolding is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situation. We do this with the understanding that a power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well. Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior. >>

Hmmm, so ... the whole concept of detachment ... I used to think that it WAS seperating oneself slowly ... but, if it's something that's a daily behavior ... what that is saying is that, detachment really isn't about a PERSON or a relationship ... it's a MINDSET ... even while we are WITH someone, we still have to learn to detach ... from their process, trust others to their process in life, while we trust our process ... if there's synergy, two people can compatibly work their processes simutaneously, without conflict ... after all, aren't we all "works in progress" ... at any given time, we're all in the midst of some sort of process.

Letting go is a matter of trust and faith ... detachment works with trust (ie, trusting the flow of life) and faith (ie, in knowing that, no matter what we do in life, we are not and cannot always be in control of the outcome).

That said, what I've learned about letting go is that ... it's not within the physical realm as much as we'd like to believe it is ... it's not just about letting go of a person physically (ie, they're not in your life anymore) ... it's a process of letting go of the outcome. Knowing that no matter what you do, the only thing in life you can control is YOU!

Letting go is just a matter of letting go of the outcome ... in the existential plane ... not so much about letting go of another person, in the physical plane.

And when we accept that level of letting go ... as part of a daily process in life ... that outcomes are not within our control ... ah, there is SO much more peace of mind and harmony in life and relationships. Faith is a HUGE component of being able to accomplish that ... as said in the exerpt above "a power greater than ourselves is in charge" (define faith however you want ... whether you find it in religion or some other spiritual means ... but without some definition of faith ... letting go can be a tough concept to grasp ... because letting go has to involve a "surrender" to that power).

Edited to add: The birthday stuff is inconsequential if viewed beyond the "situational" details. None of what's above is situational ... it's in our mindset and approach to living. Situations are a moot point ... here today, gone tomorrow ...situations change, and people change, but only if THEY want to. You have/had certain expectations, he didn't do what you thought he should do or what you would have done if it was his birthday. Disappointed? Sure! Suprised? Probably not.

Think of it this way, past behavior is a pretty darn good indicator of future behavior.

If he didn't get you a Christmas gift or make time for you then, if he didn't get you a Valentine's card or make time for you then ... then, would you expect him to suddenly change his tune and step it up for your birthday? Reasitically, no ... past precedent is a good indicator of future behavior. So, if you were disappointed, it probably didn't come as much of a surprise. If this was your FIRST holiday or special-type of day, sure ... it would be a surprise ... but, if not, no big shock, right?

Do people change and become more GIVING of themselves as the committment level increases? Rarely.

Otherwise, we wouldn't see a myriad of posts from (for example) married women who say ... "I've been married for 12 years, my husband didn't even bother to get me flowers for Valentine's Day ... or a card for my bday ... how can I get him to acknowledge these things and realize that it's important to me?!"

And someone will respond with ... "well, has he always been this way? Has he ever been into 'gestures' like that?" ... and she'll say "no, he's so unromantic ... he never buys me flowers, etc, etc" ... Well, DUH! ... then, that woman knew that LONG ago ... but, she's still expecting him to change.

Moral is: take the cues, read the signs when they're flashing ... rarely do people change because YOU want them to. And often when they do, they'll resent you for it or feel like they're being "made" to do something they don't really want to do ... but, they do because they SHOULD.

Eliminate the "shoulds" in life. Do as you want to do because you WANT to, because you feel good about it ... and if other don't reciprocate in kind, then ... CHOOSE to accept that ... or not. If a guy isn't into birthdays, doesn't think that birthdays, as adults are that big of a deal ... then, that's his choice and part of how he processes days like that. Are you wrong for wanting that? Of course not! Is it wrong to expect something from someone who hasn't shown you that that's what he's about ...well, it's not WRONG, per se, but it certainly is worth looking at from a place of "well, I pretty much already knew that!"

But, what you don't want to do is "should all over" another person ... because you aren't getting what you want. If a person isn't doing as you think they should ... if you ask, and you dont' receive ... then, it's up to you to either like it or leave it ... in knowing that people give because THEY want to ... people change because THEY want to. That's just how it is.

And FWIW, this is the guy that doesn't "do love," right? That said, would it be a surprise to you if he doesn't "do birthdays" either?

(just a thought) ;-)




Edited 4/29/2006 6:42 pm ET by starbuck70
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 5:43am

Starbuck,

I'll be sure to pick up a copy of the book. Its sounds like it can apply to many areas of life.

Id say I expected something again from someone who just isnt going to give it. I was holding on to one last time for a sign that said I was important in his life, that I was a PRIOIRITY, that one last sign before I walked away. You understand, that one last crumb he can throw to me.

Instead of adding this one to my list of disappointments, I think I'll place it on the list of reasons to move on with my life, without him in it.

I can say Ive learned alot from this "relationship". Alot about me and alot about what I really want in life. Not what Im willing to settle for!!

Just for the record, when I found out he didnt "do love", I missed that sign, that was my sign from above telling me it was all wrong for me.