Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Need some advice
22
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:47am

ok, I have been away from my sons father for 4 1/2 yrs. I have had my son in therapy over his BS. Now, I am trying to be mature and do this parenting right by allowing my son to spend a month with his dad. Well, the problems we had before seem to be resurfacing. My son takes it hard when we argue but we argue whenever we talk. SO right now we are not talking but now he is saying comments to my son I think should be addressed. Like yesterday he is like "tell your mom I want a kiss" or another time tell her "I am ready to move back home" or "tell her I still love her".


For a long while my son thought it was my fault because I was the one to leave and his dad would say I he wanted us back together. Me not trying to give him all the details of the infiedlity, the arguing, the maddness. I just resolved it to my son we argue. Well his dad goes and says we will not argue. Yea next time I saw him it was the same thing. I am screwing half the world or I like women. Whatever to feed his ego that he is better off without me.


Well, with all this going on I am not trying to send my son back to therapy plus this is coming out my pocket. His dad does not pay child support (my choice so he can get on his feet and give him a chance to be a man and take care of him) so this is all funded by me. Should I put a halt on it again say forget the trip in July and cut the phone contact or should I try and talk to his dad first?


Verse of the Day


“ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ”- Romans 12:12

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:32pm
I know he will see the true colors but the hurt from seeing all this is my biggest thing. I mean going from wetting the bed from the stress is not good for a 7 y/o. Thanks for your advice I know I can not keep it from him because it will still come out. I guess there is no right way to go about it because he will be hurt.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:36pm
If I were you I would feel stuck too. Your job is to protect your child but sometimes situations are tricky. Trust that your God will bless you and good luck : D
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:44pm
Thanks, by all means having a male role model is not that important. I have plenty of those. Heck my best friend is one of the greatest young men I know. My sons God Father is thinking of moving here to be closer to him. his dads brothers are always wanting to be in his life. So that isn't the lack. As I type it just hit there is your answer. lol. He hasn't saw him in almost a year and he is doing great and has not asked for him. Just because he pops up these last few months doesn't mena a thing.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:24pm
Aahh, God answers without being asked!!! Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:26pm
He really does
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:36pm
You're right, the truth always prevails but by the time the boy is old enough to recognize it for what it is, the damage is already done. Sometimes irreparably. I'll run the risk of having my son blame me for anything to protect him from someone who could do him potential harm. A 7yo is not equipped with the reasoning powers yet to be able to understand why things are as they are. He is completely dependent on his mother for that at his age. The lessons he should be learning for himself at this age are if he runs on the sidewalk the consequence can be falling down and skinning his knee. I know a lot of adults who are confused over issues involving people who are toxic to them or who trip in and out of their lives. If they can't make heads or tails out of the situation, how is a 7yo supposed to? Too many people are hesitant to take a true parenting role and treat their kids as "mini adults". Good grief, just let them be kids. They will learn life's hard lessons soon enough. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:58pm
I read your post...about miracles happening, so I know why you feel that way. I'm happy that you're having a happy ending. Glad things are working out for you. I told someone in a similar situation to read your post hoping that it will give her some hope. Good luck, I wish you and your b/f the best. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:43pm
I just think everyone has a plan that they walk into when they are born. I truly believe that when something is yours it will be yours forever. I have had some h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e relationships. I mean I don't know how people could be so heartless at times. I wish everyone on this board a happy ending because I think we all deserve it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 6:27pm
What I could tell you about my 23yr. marriage, the father of all 4 of my kids...talk about hair-raising!! I got my happy ending too, though. With a man ten years younger than I am, no less. I finally learned my lessons after my own share of disastrous relationships. NOTHING prepared me for what my marriage ultimately turned out to be, though. But that's all very dirty water under the bridge of life. My SO is a wonderful man and I thank my lucky stars every day that we met. And that I had sense enough to finally recognize a good man when I saw one...Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:35pm

I had to stop reading through the thread, Marie, when I got to your post because you truly do have your answer, I believe. Has dad maintained regular contact w/son? Does dad visit, call, send gifts on appropriate occasions; in other words, does he make a real effort to be a real dad? Or, does he just try to manipulate your son to manipulate you? You may have answered my questions in a subsequent post, but from what I see so far, I'm believing the latter is true. It's a form of child abuse, and I'd encourage you not to buy into the guilt trip that some would lay on you for 'keeping' your 7 y/o son from his father. The truth is dad has been and is 'keeping' himself from his son and, now that the boy's older, is using him for his own selfish, immature, and inappropriate purposes. At 7 your son is far too young to figure out the nuances of adult behavior and shouldn't be forced to do so. Nor should he be the rope in the tug of war. Dad left him; you've got him, so now it's your job to keep him from harm.

Give your son to this guy for a month, and you'll be dealing w/emotional and probably physical issues for many months thereafter--especially since dad will have REALLY learned the boy's hot buttons and will push them repeatedly thereafter for his own gratification.

IF, and I say that emphatically, dad REALLY wants a relationship w/his son, why in the world doesn't he come to the boy? You say dad's got brothers who maintain a relationship w/son--what's keeping dad from doing so? Comes a time when we all have to grow up, admit our mistakes, change our behavior, and make restitution to those we've injured--not continue to heap abuse. Unfortunately, that's all I see dad doing here.

Sorry this is so long and soap-boxey and intense, but I see so many non-custodial parents who don't have a clue subjecting their precious children to this behavior and it sickens me. The poor children grow up feeling so guilty, so battered, so responsible for mediating the adult behavior that they dissolve--into withdrawn or troubled or anti-social or alcoholic or drug-addicted or suicidal behavior. It's the rare child who survives unscathed.

The way to resolve the visitation issue? Calmly and decidedly tell dad he must come to son and visit on your territory and your schedule--end of story. No negotiation. No abusive phone calls over the issue, and if you have to, cut off all phone contact between dad and son until the issue is resolved to YOUR satisfaction. IF dad wants to complain to a judge and explain why he hasn't been a father (either emotionally or financially) but now demands privileges that have always been available to him but he's never been enough of a man to accept and fulfill, let him.

I pray God grants you clarity of vision and peace in whatever decision you make.

Vicki