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| Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:47am |
ok, I have been away from my sons father for 4 1/2 yrs. I have had my son in therapy over his BS. Now, I am trying to be mature and do this parenting right by allowing my son to spend a month with his dad. Well, the problems we had before seem to be resurfacing. My son takes it hard when we argue but we argue whenever we talk. SO right now we are not talking but now he is saying comments to my son I think should be addressed. Like yesterday he is like "tell your mom I want a kiss" or another time tell her "I am ready to move back home" or "tell her I still love her".
For a long while my son thought it was my fault because I was the one to leave and his dad would say I he wanted us back together. Me not trying to give him all the details of the infiedlity, the arguing, the maddness. I just resolved it to my son we argue. Well his dad goes and says we will not argue. Yea next time I saw him it was the same thing. I am screwing half the world or I like women. Whatever to feed his ego that he is better off without me.
Well, with all this going on I am not trying to send my son back to therapy plus this is coming out my pocket. His dad does not pay child support (my choice so he can get on his feet and give him a chance to be a man and take care of him) so this is all funded by me. Should I put a halt on it again say forget the trip in July and cut the phone contact or should I try and talk to his dad first?


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I had to stop reading through the thread, Marie, when I got to your post because you truly do have your answer, I believe. Has dad maintained regular contact w/son? Does dad visit, call, send gifts on appropriate occasions; in other words, does he make a real effort to be a real dad? Or, does he just try to manipulate your son to manipulate you? You may have answered my questions in a subsequent post, but from what I see so far, I'm believing the latter is true. It's a form of child abuse, and I'd encourage you not to buy into the guilt trip that some would lay on you for 'keeping' your 7 y/o son from his father. The truth is dad has been and is 'keeping' himself from his son and, now that the boy's older, is using him for his own selfish, immature, and inappropriate purposes. At 7 your son is far too young to figure out the nuances of adult behavior and shouldn't be forced to do so. Nor should he be the rope in the tug of war. Dad left him; you've got him, so now it's your job to keep him from harm.
Give your son to this guy for a month, and you'll be dealing w/emotional and probably physical issues for many months thereafter--especially since dad will have REALLY learned the boy's hot buttons and will push them repeatedly thereafter for his own gratification.
IF, and I say that emphatically, dad REALLY wants a relationship w/his son, why in the world doesn't he come to the boy? You say dad's got brothers who maintain a relationship w/son--what's keeping dad from doing so? Comes a time when we all have to grow up, admit our mistakes, change our behavior, and make restitution to those we've injured--not continue to heap abuse. Unfortunately, that's all I see dad doing here.
Sorry this is so long and soap-boxey and intense, but I see so many non-custodial parents who don't have a clue subjecting their precious children to this behavior and it sickens me. The poor children grow up feeling so guilty, so battered, so responsible for mediating the adult behavior that they dissolve--into withdrawn or troubled or anti-social or alcoholic or drug-addicted or suicidal behavior. It's the rare child who survives unscathed.
The way to resolve the visitation issue? Calmly and decidedly tell dad he must come to son and visit on your territory and your schedule--end of story. No negotiation. No abusive phone calls over the issue, and if you have to, cut off all phone contact between dad and son until the issue is resolved to YOUR satisfaction. IF dad wants to complain to a judge and explain why he hasn't been a father (either emotionally or financially) but now demands privileges that have always been available to him but he's never been enough of a man to accept and fulfill, let him.
I pray God grants you clarity of vision and peace in whatever decision you make.
Vicki
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