Need some help with my life
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| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:24pm |
Hi I am new here and need some good advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I am turning 27 soon and he is turning 29. Our relationship is wonderful. We love each other and we are best friends. He still calls me 3 times a day because he misses me so much during the day. It might sound overboard, but we seem to just like it that way. Here's where the potential problem exists. Pretty soon he is going to be moving 3000 miles away, basically half way accross the country, back to his hometown where "he belongs". I have told him that I am 100% willing to move with him. What bothers me is that he says he is not sure that he wants me to move or exactly when he would want me to move. He says that he will likely lose his job when he moves and will need to find another one. Plus he will be almost 30 and does not want to live with his parents, so he wants to find a place to live first (he actually has the money for a downpayment on a small house). He says that he can't worry about me until he gets his life together. He says imagine how he would feel if I moved and then things didn't work out between us and how guilty he would feel if I was stuck there. My response is we can't predict the future. What matters is does he want me now. He says he knows we are strong enough and we can handle the distance, so he will worry about getting his life in order, then worry about me moving there. In a way I understand, but in another way I don't. Some of my friends "admire" that he thinks things through so well before jumping into what could turn out to be a disaster if we don't think it through. But still--I feel that since he is moving so far away and that I have said I would go too, I thought he'd be thrilled and excited. Now I am beginning to question whether he loves me at all. Some say that it makes sense that he would want to get his life in order, have a place to live (he says, Seriously, do you want to live in my parent's basement? I don't want to live in his parents basement by the way.), get a stable job, and prepare for the responsibility he will feel if I give up my job and move there. We both agree that me moving there is a bad idea without getting engaged. I told him that I always thought that I would buy my first house with my husband (unless of course I never get married and the opportunity presented itself) and I'm disappointed that he isn't interested in letting me help with the downpayment etc. I was like, great so it will be YOUR house not OURS. He said, "I am going to buy a house and I don't need your help paying for it. Wouldn't you rather save your money for something else and let me take care of this huge expense? Your opinion is the most important one. I hope you'll help me pick the house and all the furniture and everything. After all, it might be your home eventually." It's like he makes me feel important, and yet somehow I don't. I guess my main question is how long am I supposed to wait for him to "get his life in order." Deep down inside, I can't help but feel like this is all a bunch of bullsh*t. I just can't see myself waiting back here for him for even a year. I feel like when he moves, I need to give it some sort of internal deadline rather than wait here in limbo for someone who will never want me to move there. We've already been together for 3 years. I can't see why we would need to do a long-distance thing for more than a couple months. Am I wrong? I just can't imagine spending all my paid time off flying over there to be with him, when I could simply MOVE there. I have a stable career and don't think it will be hard to find a job. Even if it takes 6 months, both he and I make plenty of money and have savings and could probably get by for a year with neither of us working AND still afford a house of our own. Not to mention his parents give a nice downpayment on a house as a gift when he gets married. I know we're young to have that kind of cash on-hand, but that's the reality of it. WHich is why I don't get why we can't buy a house together and get engaged. Sure it might be sooner than we wanted, but why go through the long distance thing for 2 years only to end up engaged anyway? Sometimes life forces you to make a critical decision, and this is one of those times. My friend married a guy she was dating only for a few months. She had a feeling he was the one but couldn't possibly know for sure. His green card was expiring. They took a chance--got married quickly in a civil ceremony. They have been happily married for almost 5 years now. They just bought their first house. See my point? Maybe he is simply not ready to get married, and this would not be such an issue if he wasn't moving so far away. I could wait a couple more years to get married. I'm in no terrible rush. But I can't wait a couple years if we are going to have to do this increadibly stressful long-distance thing--and for what? I am in my late 20's. i'd like to at least start figuring out who I am going to spend my life with and start a family with. I also find myself playing the victim--like Why is he doing this to me? Why is he leaving me here when I said I would go? Why doens't it tear HIM up inside to know we are going to be apart? I know I must sound pretty confused--I am. If any one can offer me some advice I'd be so grateful. Thank you for reading this. Also, just so you know, I am terrified of him moving. I know I will have to go through 4-8 week periods of not seeing each other, and I cry every time I think about it. Especially when I feel it doesn't even have to be that way. Also, when I read everything I just wrote, I can't help but think maybe I am just panicking. I think he will move, and of course within a couple of months he won't be able to stand being apart either. I guess what we have is good and I have a fear of losing him. It is causing me so much anxiety and I feel like my mind is very unclear.

Vanillabeanie, I hear you loud and clear. And I'd be in just as much turmoil as you if I were in the same situation.
What really stands out in your post is his seemingly patronising manner. It's like he's the dad and you're the child - and he gets to make the decisions about what's best for you and how you fit into his vision of a future together. Nowhere in your post did I see anything about the two of you making decisions about moving, engagements or house buying TOGETHER. In a balanced relationship, one party does not have the right to unilateral decision making about what is best for both of you. To be honest, I'd not only be sad, but extremely angry his manner.
I would also question how committed he was to the relationship if he's prepared to move 3,000 miles away without making plans for getting you back together asap.
If this were me - and my long term boyfriend moved across the country without considering my wants and needs - it would be a dealbreaker. There would be just too many doubts put in my mind regarding his behaviour.
Your post really touched a chord with me - not that I can say I have been in exactly the same situation - but I can see how tough yours is right now!
It sounds like you have indeed reached a pivotal time in your relationship - a point where things are going to change no matter what. That is never easy, though it can usually work for the good either way.
It would be very unsettling to me if the love of my life acted as yours has about this big move. I can't say what his words or attitude mean, but I know from experience that it can be heartbreaking to lay your future on the line, willingly, happily, for a man, and then feel as though your gift is not a huge treasure to him, but perhaps even a burden.
Were I you, I would want this to come to a crux before the move. I don't think I would have the strength to hold up a long-distance relationship, waiting for him to say he needs me now, while wondering, agonizing over why this happened in the first place and questioning how deep and lasting his feelings for you are. If he can't tell you that now, then something is not right. Something you'll probably want to think about and decide what to do with before he leaves.
I hope you'll keep us posted on what happens, and I hope you'll remember that your offer to him of moving, staying with him, is a gift that is really important and precious, one I think would ideally be met with gratitude and excitement.
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Have you ever been to the town where his parents live? If so, do you like it well enough to want to live there if your relationship with this man doesn't work out?
You don't have to wait for his approval before you make your own decisions, nor do you have to sit humbly waiting for his summons to join him. If you want to relocate and live in the same town where he's going to be, then do so. Start now to research job opportunities and places to live, figure out how you're going to get your stuff out there, etc.
I do have one caution, however: before you uproot yourself, tell him this is what you want to do, and watch his reaction. There is a possibility that he is trying to break up with you without hurting you (yes, I know the situation hurts you already, but he could feel that this way will be easier), and that he really doesn't want you to move there at all.
I totally agree with Geoteo.
And I'd like to add some more thoughts. Your boyfriend is moving back home because it's where his heart is. This indicates to me that he's looking to 'find himself'. There is quite a good chance that he will find himself and discover that he doesn't want this relationship. At the very least, I don't believe he's 100% certain that he wants you with him....otherwise he WOULD have found a way to take you with him.
A little more on the issue of him patronising you. Have a good look at the rest of your relationship. Does he patronise you in other ways? Does he think he knows best when it comes to other parts of your joint decision making? I'm concerned that he's been patronising you all along, but it's taken a large issue such as this for it to become very noticable.
Just imagine a future with him. Will he get to decide where you live or what kind of car you drive? Will he get to call the shots on the timing for having children? For that matter, will he consider your wants and needs when it comes to setting a marriage date? Please consider these questions carefully because each of them would be indicators of a poor relationship.