Need some help with my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Need some help with my life
8
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:24pm

Hi I am new here and need some good advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I am turning 27 soon and he is turning 29. Our relationship is wonderful. We love each other and we are best friends. He still calls me 3 times a day because he misses me so much during the day. It might sound overboard, but we seem to just like it that way. Here's where the potential problem exists. Pretty soon he is going to be moving 3000 miles away, basically half way accross the country, back to his hometown where "he belongs". I have told him that I am 100% willing to move with him. What bothers me is that he says he is not sure that he wants me to move or exactly when he would want me to move. He says that he will likely lose his job when he moves and will need to find another one. Plus he will be almost 30 and does not want to live with his parents, so he wants to find a place to live first (he actually has the money for a downpayment on a small house). He says that he can't worry about me until he gets his life together. He says imagine how he would feel if I moved and then things didn't work out between us and how guilty he would feel if I was stuck there. My response is we can't predict the future. What matters is does he want me now. He says he knows we are strong enough and we can handle the distance, so he will worry about getting his life in order, then worry about me moving there. In a way I understand, but in another way I don't. Some of my friends "admire" that he thinks things through so well before jumping into what could turn out to be a disaster if we don't think it through. But still--I feel that since he is moving so far away and that I have said I would go too, I thought he'd be thrilled and excited. Now I am beginning to question whether he loves me at all. Some say that it makes sense that he would want to get his life in order, have a place to live (he says, Seriously, do you want to live in my parent's basement? I don't want to live in his parents basement by the way.), get a stable job, and prepare for the responsibility he will feel if I give up my job and move there. We both agree that me moving there is a bad idea without getting engaged. I told him that I always thought that I would buy my first house with my husband (unless of course I never get married and the opportunity presented itself) and I'm disappointed that he isn't interested in letting me help with the downpayment etc. I was like, great so it will be YOUR house not OURS. He said, "I am going to buy a house and I don't need your help paying for it. Wouldn't you rather save your money for something else and let me take care of this huge expense? Your opinion is the most important one. I hope you'll help me pick the house and all the furniture and everything. After all, it might be your home eventually." It's like he makes me feel important, and yet somehow I don't. I guess my main question is how long am I supposed to wait for him to "get his life in order." Deep down inside, I can't help but feel like this is all a bunch of bullsh*t. I just can't see myself waiting back here for him for even a year. I feel like when he moves, I need to give it some sort of internal deadline rather than wait here in limbo for someone who will never want me to move there. We've already been together for 3 years. I can't see why we would need to do a long-distance thing for more than a couple months. Am I wrong? I just can't imagine spending all my paid time off flying over there to be with him, when I could simply MOVE there. I have a stable career and don't think it will be hard to find a job. Even if it takes 6 months, both he and I make plenty of money and have savings and could probably get by for a year with neither of us working AND still afford a house of our own. Not to mention his parents give a nice downpayment on a house as a gift when he gets married. I know we're young to have that kind of cash on-hand, but that's the reality of it. WHich is why I don't get why we can't buy a house together and get engaged. Sure it might be sooner than we wanted, but why go through the long distance thing for 2 years only to end up engaged anyway? Sometimes life forces you to make a critical decision, and this is one of those times. My friend married a guy she was dating only for a few months. She had a feeling he was the one but couldn't possibly know for sure. His green card was expiring. They took a chance--got married quickly in a civil ceremony. They have been happily married for almost 5 years now. They just bought their first house. See my point? Maybe he is simply not ready to get married, and this would not be such an issue if he wasn't moving so far away. I could wait a couple more years to get married. I'm in no terrible rush. But I can't wait a couple years if we are going to have to do this increadibly stressful long-distance thing--and for what? I am in my late 20's. i'd like to at least start figuring out who I am going to spend my life with and start a family with. I also find myself playing the victim--like Why is he doing this to me? Why is he leaving me here when I said I would go? Why doens't it tear HIM up inside to know we are going to be apart? I know I must sound pretty confused--I am. If any one can offer me some advice I'd be so grateful. Thank you for reading this. Also, just so you know, I am terrified of him moving. I know I will have to go through 4-8 week periods of not seeing each other, and I cry every time I think about it. Especially when I feel it doesn't even have to be that way. Also, when I read everything I just wrote, I can't help but think maybe I am just panicking. I think he will move, and of course within a couple of months he won't be able to stand being apart either. I guess what we have is good and I have a fear of losing him. It is causing me so much anxiety and I feel like my mind is very unclear.

~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 5:21pm

Vanillabeanie, I hear you loud and clear. And I'd be in just as much turmoil as you if I were in the same situation.

What really stands out in your post is his seemingly patronising manner. It's like he's the dad and you're the child - and he gets to make the decisions about what's best for you and how you fit into his vision of a future together. Nowhere in your post did I see anything about the two of you making decisions about moving, engagements or house buying TOGETHER. In a balanced relationship, one party does not have the right to unilateral decision making about what is best for both of you. To be honest, I'd not only be sad, but extremely angry his manner.

I would also question how committed he was to the relationship if he's prepared to move 3,000 miles away without making plans for getting you back together asap.

If this were me - and my long term boyfriend moved across the country without considering my wants and needs - it would be a dealbreaker. There would be just too many doubts put in my mind regarding his behaviour.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 6:18pm
Thanks so much for your response. It tells me I'm not going crazy and that I do have something to be worried about. I too question his committment. I am shocked that after 3 happy years with him, I am suddenly wondering if he loves me at all. It's almost like if he was never moving home, I'd never even think to question his committment. I never looked at it the way you said--you hit the nail on the head. It's like he makes all the decisions and leaves me feeling left out. I don't know whether to wait this out, let him move and then see what happens, or just try and break if off now. Every time I explain my concerns and why this upsets me, he makes it seem like he's got all the answers and that I am freaking out over nothing. I am freaking out about the love of my life, the one I thought I'd marry, moving 3000 miles away and dropping me like a hot potato. I can't even believe any of this is happening. It really hurts. He basically says, don;t worry, you'll come out there and help me pick out a house, I'll get a job, and when the time is right and if we can't stand being apart, we will find a way to get you out there. I'm like, I don't need you to move 3000 miles away to realize that I can't stand being apart. Anyway, I'm going on and on. I just really appreciate you reading my long post and responding.
~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:45pm

Your post really touched a chord with me - not that I can say I have been in exactly the same situation - but I can see how tough yours is right now!

It sounds like you have indeed reached a pivotal time in your relationship - a point where things are going to change no matter what. That is never easy, though it can usually work for the good either way.

It would be very unsettling to me if the love of my life acted as yours has about this big move. I can't say what his words or attitude mean, but I know from experience that it can be heartbreaking to lay your future on the line, willingly, happily, for a man, and then feel as though your gift is not a huge treasure to him, but perhaps even a burden.

Were I you, I would want this to come to a crux before the move. I don't think I would have the strength to hold up a long-distance relationship, waiting for him to say he needs me now, while wondering, agonizing over why this happened in the first place and questioning how deep and lasting his feelings for you are. If he can't tell you that now, then something is not right. Something you'll probably want to think about and decide what to do with before he leaves.

I hope you'll keep us posted on what happens, and I hope you'll remember that your offer to him of moving, staying with him, is a gift that is really important and precious, one I think would ideally be met with gratitude and excitement.
em

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 12:28am
Thank you lithenblithe for your input. This is so increadibly hard. It helps a lot just to hear people tell me that they understand how tormented I am. Sometimes I feel like this is all a big test that we are going to pass. Other times I feel like this is a huge slap in the face, like the writing's on the wall, like God himself is saying wake up and forget this jerk. Then I get to thinking, that's just it--he is NOT a jerk. He is wonderful to me. We love each other. We are best friends. How do you give up on someone who you really don't have any problems with? I haven't made any official decisions, but I am kinda thinking that I will do my best to endure it. Give him a couple of months to get settled, and then see if he quickly realizes he needs me there--OR quickly realizes he is just fine wihout me. In which case I had better bow out gracefully. Every time I so much as picture his moving van driving away,I can feel my heart begining to break right down the middle and I honestly think that I will cry so hard that I won't be able to stand up. It's like he's dying. I keep asking why me, why me, what did I do to deserve this? We just got into a horrible fight over it all last night. Things are ok now. He kept reassuring me that he DOES want me to move there, but that he "doesn't know exactly when--it could be 2 months or it could be a year". How about never? I am not sure I will even be able to hold up long enough for him to move. I am obviously cracking under this pressure. Thanks again for your shoulder. I needed one really bad. You are right--my decision to offer to move with him is absolutely a gift. We'll soon find out if he is worthy of it. I should go and post on the depression board. I am normally pretty happy, but this is bringing me down in a way that is NOT "normal". My anxiety level is through the roof!! I posted this a few days ago and I was ok, but I have cried almost non-stop for the past 3 days and I'm not sleeping at night.
~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:16am

Have you ever been to the town where his parents live? If so, do you like it well enough to want to live there if your relationship with this man doesn't work out?

You don't have to wait for his approval before you make your own decisions, nor do you have to sit humbly waiting for his summons to join him. If you want to relocate and live in the same town where he's going to be, then do so. Start now to research job opportunities and places to live, figure out how you're going to get your stuff out there, etc.

I do have one caution, however: before you uproot yourself, tell him this is what you want to do, and watch his reaction. There is a possibility that he is trying to break up with you without hurting you (yes, I know the situation hurts you already, but he could feel that this way will be easier), and that he really doesn't want you to move there at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 7:25am

I totally agree with Geoteo.

And I'd like to add some more thoughts. Your boyfriend is moving back home because it's where his heart is. This indicates to me that he's looking to 'find himself'. There is quite a good chance that he will find himself and discover that he doesn't want this relationship. At the very least, I don't believe he's 100% certain that he wants you with him....otherwise he WOULD have found a way to take you with him.

A little more on the issue of him patronising you. Have a good look at the rest of your relationship. Does he patronise you in other ways? Does he think he knows best when it comes to other parts of your joint decision making? I'm concerned that he's been patronising you all along, but it's taken a large issue such as this for it to become very noticable.

Just imagine a future with him. Will he get to decide where you live or what kind of car you drive? Will he get to call the shots on the timing for having children? For that matter, will he consider your wants and needs when it comes to setting a marriage date? Please consider these questions carefully because each of them would be indicators of a poor relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 7:02pm
Well I do understand your concerns, I have to point out that I am not unhappy with the relationship and he certainly does not patronize me. I'm not entirely sure that I feel that he's patronizing me now. I posted that I was confused, and someone else said that his manner sounds patronizing. I couldn't really disagree because I was confused. I also wanted to clarify that we have been together for over 3 years. I have taken at least 3 trips out to his home, and his family has visited out here. I do like his hometown, but I would not move there unless it was to be with him. It's 3,000 miles away from my famly and friends. Last time we were there we looked at houses together. He only moved out here to CA because of work. He is in sales and travels all over the place, so he has not really made any friends except for a few people in other states that he gets to hang out with once in a while when on a business trip. I am the only person he knows here. We met on the internet (never thought it would happen to me, but it did and it worked out!). So I can 100% understand his desire to move home to where his heart is. I want him to be happy. He is very lonely and depressed here, 3000 miles away from anyone else he knows. I am his whole life right now. Last night I posted such a depressing post. It's ironic that right after posted, he called me and we discussed the whole long-distance thing again. I was so relieved when he said he knew of a potential job for me out there--one that would get me to move there BEFORE he does. Now I am realizing that I am worrying over nothing. I probably would not take this job, but be more picky. I guess I am saying that I should simply not worry so much. Just trust that he means it when he says he simply wants to get his life together before asking me to move out there. It's going to be really hard, but it's worth a try.
~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 3:45pm
Let's not make this any more complicated. Look, if you love him and he loves you, truly, then he should want you to go with. I mean if he says you both can deal with the distance why couldn't you deal with having to move out if things don't work down there. If he is worried that things may not work out down there and he is just worried about you, I have to say i don't believe that. he probably jsut wants to move away and not have you come with so he won't have to worry about you. i am sure he loves you but is just probably confused right now. I think you could look at it and say he is being mature and thoughtful but he probably knew it would sound that way, that's why he's doing it. I think you should just come out and tell him how you feel, there is no way around it. If he still seems wishy washy, tell him that you still don't understand, and make him prove it to you and work around you. Just follow your heart and gut instincts, they are always right! and good luck