Need to talk about things, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Need to talk about things, but
4
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:58am

My boyfriend and I talk about anything. I am just having a problem. I want to know if he really wants to have a future with me or not. We have been together a year. And to be honest it is hard to tell how he is feeling. I mean he will go days with out calling me or talking to me. There are just a lot of things that are making me question things, and I want to talk to him about them, but don't want to blow this relationship either. He is a great guy, has never hurt me and never would. I just don't understand what is going on with him.

He seems to always want his time alone. If we spend more than 2-3 days together he will say he is tired or going to bed early and ask me not to come over. I respect that, but after a year you would think he would be use to seeing me all the time. When bringing up the subject of living together he acts like I would be a roommate and not his girlfriend living with him. I know what I want from this relationship, I just need to ask him in a way that well won't make it seem I am pressuring him. I don't want that. I just want to know where he is at with us. I mean I don't want to spend another year going on the way we are right now.

any help would be great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:21am

springrose06...

First...Pianoguy likes your ivillage user name. Part of this has to do with the fact that Maine usually DOESN'T SEE SPRING until the middle of May?

Here's my take...and Steve, Spice or one of the other male contributors to this board might offer a different opinion...?

YOUR B/F ISN'T READY TO MAKE A COMMITMENT TO YOU!

Granted...the 2 of you have been together for a year....but there's no timeframe with a lot of men when it comes to marriage! I think there are many men who can love, honor, respect and pamper a woman like crazy....BUT....completely giving up our independent lifestyles for marriage or an FWB arrangement ISN'T WHAT WE WANT!

This doesn't mean the possibility of becoming "united in marriage" is O-U-T....but just because YOU think the relationship you're in should move faster ISN'T NECESSARILY WHAT YOUR B/F WANTS!

So do you want to present him with the "either you'll marry me now or I'll leave you" edict? Some women get their wish when they hit us with the option. Others get the shock of their lives when their b/f's tell 'em to GET LOST! !

I guess it boils down to how much of a 'gambler' you are? Even card players who appear to "hold all the aces" can still die of a heart attack!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:49am

Thank you for the compliments on the name Pianoguy.

I understand what you are saying. The thing is I am don't want to get married anytime soon either. I was married and have a child from that marriage, and really I don't want to make that mistake again. (not my daughter, but the ex-husband). I guess, I am just tired of only seeing him on his terms, and need to know if this can change. I mean relationships are a give and take. And I don't want to lose him. However should he be able to dictate when we see one another? Or should we be able to see eachother when maybe I want to, or it is a better time for me? I mean I know I have a daughter, but he knew this going into the relationship with me. Prior to our first date.

Again, I am not looking for marrige. I am very happy with him. I am not looking to move in with him anytime soon, I do have my own place.

I just thought a man who is about to turn 39 would have some clue of wanting a more permanent relationship. All his friends are either married or getting married in the near future. People have told him he is nuts if he lets me go. I am a rare person. I don't bitch at him or anything like that. We can even cook in the kitchen together, in fact we think up recipes together and all. We make a great team, and fighting is something we have done maybe 3-4 times since we have been together. We don't believe in fighting, only discussing and listening to one another's points. And if one is getting to upset, we just drop it until we can talk about it in a more calm manner.

I just want some comfort to know I won't lose him, maybe that is it. And right now I don't get that from him.

Ok, that was too much writing..LOL. It is just nice to get things off my brain instead of always thinking about them by myself. My friends are not a very good source when it comes to relationships. Most of them are so against men right now it isn't funny. So it is just me and my brain.

Thanks again!!

Spring.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:25pm

One of two things could be happening here. And unfortunately, there's no substitute for an honest chat, and the preparation of working through the emotions in the event it's not what you want to hear.

Assuming this has been going on for some time;

One, he's just a "loner" and would treat anyone he's with in this manner.
Ask yourself if this is the type of guy you really want to be with. BF/GF, cohabitation, engaged, married...if this is the way he really is, he's not going to change. Do you want someone you can feel closer to, a stronger emotional connection?

Two, confront him about his real feelings for you. I'm not sure how old you are, but I know I really didn't start to know myself (and subsequently what I wanted in a mate) until I turned 30. At 35, I first felt like I'd found "the one". It's possible with time something's come up that he isn't sure how to deal with, or if it's right for him.

Either way, it doesn't appear to the casual observer that this is the type of situation that's ideal for you. Give him the opportunity to open up (assuming he can), give him time to think, and be prepared to take action that will make you a happier person.

My best to you!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:58pm

Thank you for your reply.

Funny thing the things you suggested I have done. Yeah I do want to be with him, and I know that a relationship take work, and that times are not always easy. I am going to be 34 in April and he will be 39 in May. He does show me he loves me, he just doesn't say it anymore. He use to say it but then stopped.. not sure why. But I don't push that issue. He isn't a loner that is for sure he is always out and about with friends when he can. He just works hard so is tired a lot. I understand that, and have since we started dating. That is what happens when you date someone who works over 50 or so hours. He works for FedEx Express, and busts his butt every day. :)

I will be having a chat with him. It will be next weekend, I have my daughter this weekend. But today he showed me something good he called me to wish me a happy 1 year anniversary. Which was awesome. I think I need to stop thinking, and just start enjoying what I do have. He is a great person and man, and is my best friend, solemate and lover. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Maybe I am just not use to feeling the way I do... maybe I have really found they right guy for me, and I am learning that it takes time to do things right.

Thanks again.. I will make sure to post what happens after the talk.