needing some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
needing some advice
6
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 8:13pm
I'm only 22 and my bf of 6 weeks (i know) is 30. the age differnece is a non issue for us, we hit it off straight away and things are going unbelieveably well. We have already discussed marriage and he wants to propose (i told him to wait for us to have been together at least a month, and got a ring and planned it all). I know i love him and he loves me, i also want to marry him but i just don't know if I should wait a bit longer, or if being engaged but having a longer engagemnt period would be ok.
I am needing some opinion/advice, any would be greatly appriciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:00am
am i understanding this correctly? he already wanted to propose when you had been together less than a month?? do you have a sense for why he's in this big rush? honestly, this may be a sign of some serious issues on his part. mature, stable, sane people do not act this way. sorry if that is tough to hear. please be cautious with this man and don't rush into anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 10:16am
I would just be curious as to why the rush. If what you both share is true love indeed then take your time to get to know one another a little and enjoy one another. A month is a very short time to decide whether or not a couple is meant for long term. Though there are other people who have walked in these shoes before and have gotten married right away, I would still to take a couple of extra months atleast. What is a couple of extra months for a lifetime of joy and happiness. Best of luck and keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:30pm

How well do you know him?

Can you answer all these questions (and this is just the tip of the iceberg):

Does he want kids? If so, when? How many? What religion would he want to raise them? Doe she believe in hitting kids as punishment?

What religion is he? Would he expect you to convert? go to church?

How does he handle stressful situations?

How does he feel about change? Does he like to move a lot? How far?

Would he expect you to be willing to move for his career? Is that okay with you? Might he want to put having a family on hold for his job? Would he move for yours?

Is he a workaholic? Would he change his work habits if you started a family?

How neat is he? Does he expect you to be a neatfreak or clean up after him? Does he believe in sharing household responsibilities?

Would he want you to quit work and stay at home to rasie a family? Would he be alright with it if that's what YOU wanted to do?

How does he manage money? Does he have a lot of debt? Does he spend or does he save a lot? Does he gamble in Vegas or with the stock market?

How does he feel the power in the realtionship should be shared?

Does the bigger bread winner get to make the financial decisions or should all big financial choices be made together?

Does he want his partner to be an equal or is comfortable carrying the bulk of the responsibility? Are you okay with that?

Having major differences in any ONE of these areas can lead to divorce. It depends a lot on how strongly a person feels about their position and how much both are willing to yeild and bend when both parties feel strongly.

Make sure you know the answers to these and any other important questions. Think about the things that are most important to you and make sure you're both compatible in those areas that are most important to both of you.

I wont say don't do it; it's too soon. I think that my husband probably would have propsed after 2-3 months if he thought I wouldn't have looked at him like he'd grown a second head. I will say we talked about all these things before we'd been dating two months. We both knew things were going fast and heading quickly towards head over heals and we both wanted to be sure we could go the distance before the first "I love you" was uttered. It was a scary thing to bring up because I was afraid he'd look at me like I'd grwon a second head. :) And it was tough because it's very "unromantic", but as great as love is and wonderful as it feels, you can save yourself a LOT more heartache by being smart about it and knowing EXACTLY what you're getting into before you jump.

See Renee Zelleweager and Kenny Chesney. :) Less romance and being swept away more using your head and thinking things through. Also, please go for at least a 6-9 month engagement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:40pm
I have asked him that on several occasions, he says it was love at first sight and that he just knows it is the right thing to do. I know I want to do it, but thats why I said to have a long engagement so if either of us in the meantime decide that it's not meant to be, there will be no messy divorce etc. He is very stable, (he is a high school teacher), he knows what he wants from life and has always made good decisions both romantically and career wise.
Thanx again for your opinions
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:48pm
Thanx for your advice,
I was able to answer all your questions with no problems, and I can definately say from just that, that we both want very similar things, and as for the me moving for his job- it is more likely that it would be the other way around, and we have discussed that too. We were already talking about long term things before we said 'i love you' too. I definately agree on at least a 9mth engagement (i told him at least a year). I know there is no rush, but sometimes i guess you can't let your head do all the work. I don't feel like i am rushing, and he has never put any pressure on me about anything at all.
I think we are a little similar to you and your husband (how long have you been married?). Thanx again and I'll keep you all updated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 9:43pm

We got married two weeks ago. Our time frame basically went like this: First date mid Feb 2004, moved in together June 2004, started seriosly talking marriage August 2004, combined finances Sept 2004, agreed to start planning wedding without making it official with ring (he was saving up) February 2005, officially ebgaged August 2005, married Oct 2, 2005.

We took a lot of big steps really fast and logically it seemed really fast but we both wanted it, new the consequences, and felt good about our decisions every step of the way.

I'm not the kind of woman who gets swept away by her feelings our being "romanced". We were just right for each other and knew it after a short period of time.

It was really scary at first feeling strongly that I knew this was finally the right guy but I finally learned to trust myself and knew we had already talked about all the BIG issues and we just work as a team so easily.

DOn't get me wrong your young and you may still change a lot, but if you think you cna leanr and grow with this man and that you've found someone who will nuture that process and that you cna do the same for him. Well then, if I were you I wouldn't worry too much about what other people thought.

You seem like a really smart young woman, one has a good logical head on her shoulders and is using it. As long as you do that and you don't kid yorself or let yourself get so caught up in your feelings that you forget the possible consequences of your actions, then I'd say maybe your just one of the lucky ones who found the right partner younger then most.

Best of luck, but I don't think you'll need, smart women usually don't. :)