Needs an ear to listen & honest answers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Needs an ear to listen & honest answers.
4
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 9:45pm

I'm in a new realtionship and I honestly thank God for my new bf. His name is Justin and he's a very sweet person. Our relationship is ok but he lives 7 hours away from me. I live in Brooklyn, NY and he lives in Rochester, NY. That's exactly 7 hours away from me. But we talk everyday, and we try to keep each other up on what we're doing for the day or week or whatever. But recently he told me that he had something to tell me. I didn't know what to expect but I wanted to keep optimistic. He told me that before he left for Atlanta he had a one night stand with this girl. His mom called him and told him that he needed to come back to Rochester to deal with a "situation" Becuz there's a girl saying that he's the father of her child. He told me that he saw her one day when he went back to Rochester to visit his mom and dad and she was holding a baby. This was when the child was 2 months or so. He asked her "who's baby is that?" She said "This is my family members baby and I'm just babysitting." Now it's 2 years later and the little boy just turned 2 at the beginning of September. And Justin had to get a paternity test to see if the boy was his. Well to make this long story short the boy was his and now he has to play catch up with his son. But that's not it. Justin means so much to me. I excepted his situation before I even knew the results of the paternity test. I told him that the situation between him and the girl was between him and her. I don't have anything to do with that and I won't put myself in the middle either. Justin has taken to being a father like a duck to water. His son is adorable and he looks just like him. But the thing I wanted to know is, am I being to excepting becuz I love Justin and I want my relationship to work???

Sincerely,
Sweetness aka Somewhat confused!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:36am

Well I think that only YOU can answer that question. What other reason(s) do you suspect would be the why you would accept his new situation?

How long have you been with him? How often do you spend time together with him? I guess what I am getting to is....are you fulfilled in your relationship? Is this enough for you, to be 7 hours apart and now you know that what quality time you once had to share will now be divided between you and his son. Is this enough for you?

I applaud him for stepping up and doing the right thing for his son. But the time will come when you may feel somewhat resentful about the amount of time he will have left for you, and you have to ask yourself right now, is half the time you're getting right now to bond with him, enough to emtionally fulfill your needs? BTW, how old are you two if you don't mind??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:35pm

Well I'm 20 and will be 21 in December and he just turned 23. I think that him spending time with his son is something that I will have to get used to. He doesn't live near me anyway so talkin on the phone everyday is the only option for right now. He trys to spend time with his son and try to keep me included. We haven't been together that long anyway. It's only been 2 months. So our relationship just started. It's going fine so far. The only thing is that we want to be around each other all the time.

I'm completely happy in my relationship with him and I don't really regret anything. I love everything about him including his son. It's strong words I know but if I'm going to be with him I have to except his son as well. I talk to his son on the phone whenever he has him. He's a sweet little boy and u can't help but not like him.

I know I can say that I feel all this stuff for him and I feel this and that way about him but this is just the way I feel. He came down here in August to see me and he could only stay for the day and go back home that night it didn't matter becuz he made the effort to come and see me. That says a lot about him. He wants to please me and his son at the same time and I told him to not worry about me so much and think about putting his son first. He was the one that told me that he's going to do both. He doesn't want to put me in the back and put his son first. He wants to put the both of us first and all I can do is except it or move on. I'm not going anywhere and neither is he. Leaving isn't even an option for him or me. But he feels he can do both and maintain his sanity then all I can do is be here for him when he needs me.

I accept his situation becuz that's all I can do. Honestly as soon as I found out about the situation when he first told me I could have said forget this and could have left. But I didn't becuz I didn't want to leave him hanging alone. He needed someone at the time and I felt that being his girlfriend I should be there for him. Just like he would be for me if something happend to me. That's why I accepted his situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 8:34am

Well you are certainly a very mature 20/21 year old! He is lucky to have you!

I applaud you both for not rushing into one of you moving to be closer to the other at this point in the relationship. You will figure all of this stuff out in due time, right now just explore each other and your feelings and remember, you're not married or this doesn't HAVE to be the one, so take your time and just see what the future may hold!

Sounds to me like you have just answered your own questions and doubts. It sounds healthy to me and he sounds pretty upstanding like you are, so I wish you both the luck in the world. Enjoy these toddler years and remember how beautiful innocence is!!

Best of luck to ya!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 5:44pm
I think that you two have been through quiet a bit in the past few months. Things that are very unusual in the beginning of a relationship. You still have a lot on your plate and a lot to think about in my opinion. Mainly since there is a little one involved now. I am engaged to a man with full custody of his little boy, and I wont lie its so tough sometimes. If you feel like its tough to share time over the phone its even harder in person. I had to totally learn a different dating lifestyle when I met these two and adjust to parenthood. Its so hard to have a relationship such as the one you and I both have, but if you have a big enough heart it will all work out. Luckily his little boy still has a momma. I am the only mom this little one has. Just think you not only get love from one special man but two! I think you are awesome for staying with him through all of this and being able to deal with the long distance. But if you often have doubts, get out of it FAST. Make sure its what you want before they get too attatched to you, huge advice. Good Luck!