new here and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
new here and need help
4
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 12:15pm

Hi I am new here and I would like some advice.


Here is the story me and my DH have been married for 10 years and 5 months. We have two kids one DD and one DS. My DH is in the air force. He came home from being gone for about 7 month and dropped a bomb shell on me in May. He said he wanted a Divorce. This came as a total shock to me. We have had a very solid and great relationship. The last two months that he was gone we did some little bickering nothing that I thought would end my marriage.

wildthing siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 5:42pm
Wow! I am very sorry to hear that. News like that out of the blue is definatly like a bomb dropping on your head! Is sounds to me as if he has already moved on. His 3 week vacation without you may have been a serious session with a new woman. It especially seems that way since he is just not willing to work on your marraige any longer. It's curious, but my husband of one year and I have had a rocky couple weeks and he told me in a round about way that he kind of wants to dissolve or marraige last nite. (Mind you it's his 1st marraige, my second, and we are 12 years apart in age). Unfortunately I don't think there is nothing we can do to stop them at this stage. It breaks my heart. I am so sad for you and your kids. Now I have a lot of blame on my shoulders that it must be my fault since I can't keep this marraige together either (I was married the first time for 13 years and we have 3 children together). I don't want my husband to leave just as you don't, but what can we do? We have been supportive to them, kind, generous, etc. They don't care about that. I just keep thinking of all the time we have spent together, the memories we built, the new things we did together, the love we shared...I guess to him it was all a waste of time. I hope that maybe you can convince him to go to couseling with you. It may break some communication barriers that are keeping him so unhappy. I wish you the best of luck I will say a prayer for you and the kids!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 6:15pm
My heart goes out to you and your children. Be strong for them and for yourself.
It does sound though as if he's not completely sure of what he wants. You two need to sit and talk. Don't try to make him agree to stay with you just try to figure out where all this is coming from. You may have to hear and accept things you don't want to His three week vacation does sound a little sketchy but you have been married a long time and have invested a lot in each other and you owe it to yourselves to not go down without a fight. You need to remind him of how wonderful his family is, how special your marriage is. But if he really wants to leave, hopefully you can stay close for your kids.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 6:16pm

Hey Sue!
I just found this link. It is pretty informational until you get to the bottom where they want you to order the entire book about the subject. I am going to try the parts that the author talks about and see what happens! What can I lose?

http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/125.htm

Keep your chin up!
~B

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 8:16am

Have you talked to any other military wives about this? They may offer a perspective we don't have.

My fiance is an Army reservist who was active duty for his first 6 years in. He has seen and done things that I can barely imagine. Perhaps you're husband is going through some sort of post traumatic stress. Don't underestimate the impact that just being in that environment can have even if he wasn't on the front line.

My fiance was watching a special a few months ago and it brought him to tears. He saw pictures of friends that had died men he had been stationed with, he saw recruits he had trained as a drill instructor that had been killed. He struggles not to blame himself for not having taught them enough, not having pushed them enough, not having been there to protect them, help them. In the military, troops learn that there is no such thing as an unimportant job. They are taught when you don't do your job it could mean your friends die. My fiance is in charge of mechanics units. He kept an entire unit away from their families (no leave) just prior to shipping out trying to prepare emergency vehicles before they shipped out. Why becasue he knew if he didn't the troops riding in those vehicles could die becasue he let someone take leave when the vehicles weren't ready.

If your husband is a good man, a responsible man, who knows the kind of pressure to make sure everyone comes home safe that my fiance does, there is no telling what he might be thinking right now.

Maybe he's thinking he doesn't even deserve you and your kids when so many others didn't make it back. Maybe he's feeling abandoned or alone and isolated from the civilian world.

Talk to him, see if he'll get some counselling. Don't push him he may not be ready, but let him know you love him no matter what. Let him know that you ARE there for him and that you want to listen when he's ready to talk. Tell him you may not have been able to be there for him before but you want to be now. Let him know you're a team and you want to be there for him. Tell him he's not alone and that if he felt alone before your sorry and together you'll make it right.