New here: Please Help :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
New here: Please Help :(
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 11:41am

I recently met a guy through mutual friends. We talked/texted a couple weeks before meeting one night for dinner but from our 1st date we hit it off & spent time together literally everyday. Everything felt natural for us both & we were saying "I Love you" within a couple weeks. I know this sounds crazy but we are both in our 30's & I know how I feel. Everything was perfect!! We couldn't get enough of each other, constantly texting & calling & making plans to see each other after work etc. Here's the problem: I started freaking out. It just hit me one day that although everything has been great, if things don't work out I will be heartbroken.. AGAIN. I started telling him about my insecurities & he would reassure me, it went on for several days. Finally, the other night I got upset that he had planned to go away with his friends on 4th of July instead of spending it with me. We started to have a lil disagreement & I (because I'd been feeling insecure for days) started crying. He was telling me that he's tried reassuring me all week but he don't know what else to do. I made an "off the cuff" comment & as I was crying I said "I dont know, maybe I'm just too damaged from my past relationship, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship". I did NOT mean that! I think I was wanting him to reassure me yet again. Well it backfired. By me making that comment he said it has totally scared him & he doesn't want to get hurt either. He said he wants to "slow things down". I've apologized over & over & I prayed & hoped that it would blow over, but things are different. He said he was putting in 100% becasue he thought we were on the same page, but now he feels like I'm not so he's going to slow down. When I asked what that means, he says nothing will change excpet we wont be together every night. He also said he don't want to break up, it's just going to take a little time to get past that, becasue he used to have an ex that said the same thing & it raised red flags for him.

Now I just feel like I'm in limbo. Instead of us making plans together I feel like I'm just waiting to be invited. This was a week ago. He still tells me he loves me & misses me, but before he couldn't wait to see me, now it don't feel like seeing me is a priority at all. I know that I'm the one who screwed up, but I want to badly to make it better. I want things back the way they were. I feel like a relationship is supposed to move forward not backward. I'm so scared of losing him becasue I really do love him. He tells me nothing is different but it is... I can feel it. I will never forgive myself for messing this up if we break up :(

Please.......What should I do?? :( :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 6:18pm

You can't unring a bell.  What's said is said.  It's really up to him if he wants to continue.

I can tell you having to constantly reassure someone gets old, really fast.  And then the insecurity bit about not wanting him to go somewhere without you for the holiday...well, sounds like that was the last straw.  You wanted even more reassurance after he'd spent a week dealing with your insecurities and seems like he'd had enough.

You can't keep a guy by smothering him.  Even if you explain WHY you smother, that doesn't make the smothering any easier to deal with.

I'm curious, do you always "fall in love" that quickly?  Because that could be part of the problem.  It's impossible to fall in love that quickly.  You can't know someone well enough in 2 weeks to know if you're in love.  And this man is finding that out, because now he's seen something unattractive about your personality and it's making him draw back.

If he chooses to end your relationship, use this as a learning experience.  You can't smother someone into wanting to be with you and you can't smother someone into staying with you.  The quickest way to drive a man away is to act insecure and needy.  Get a hold of that and your relationships will be more successful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 10:39am

I know this is an old post... Just curious..did things get back to how they were between the two of you?