New Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
New Love
5
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:57pm
Ok so I am new here and started looking around for some answers but I guess I will have to write what I am thinking since I can't find the same thing...
I have been divorced about 3 years and recently started dating a great guy who has been seperated for 3 years but his messy divorce just became final. We have only been together about 4 months- he tells me he loves me and I am in love with him. The problem is my goal is to be married and settled again- he doesn't yet know what his goal is. I know this is a new relationship and I shouldn't rush things- I've never been known for my patience in that way but I want to be with someone who has the same common goal. I don't want to waste my time or get hurt because it turns out he can't trust someone enough to be married again. Am I trying to hard? Expecting too much? Any comments???? Need more details- i don't really know how things work here. I guess anything you can say is a help at this point- thanks in advance!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: sclark1314
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:31pm

Four months is certainly more than enough time to find out what his goals are. I'd recommend talking with him and talking about your goals in general. I'd be open and honest about your desire to date for the purpose of finding a new marriage partner. And ask him he dates for.

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: sclark1314
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:33pm
It's normal to want to have the same goals. BUT this case is unique. His emotions are probably all over the court. I would say to wait it out a little and see what turns it takes. It's situations like these that do require time b/c peoples feelings are involved. Of course he will be hesitant right now. I think anybody would be.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sclark1314
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:49pm

I think getting involved with someone who doesn't share your relationship goals means that you are taking a HUGE risk. It's not at all surprising that someone who is freshly divorced doesn't know if he wants to get married again...it's for this reason that I don't date men who haven't been divorced for at least a year.

If you're going to stay with him and hope it works out, you have to leave him be for the time being, with the exception being, ask him to tell you if at any time he decides for sure that he does NOT want to marry again. Then, you need to decide how long you would stay with someone who might not ever marry you. Is that a year? Six months? The amount of time you've already been together? Only you can answer that question...but you should decide for yourself (i.e., not share it with him), and stay that long.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
In reply to: sclark1314
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 7:10pm
Thank you so much for the advice- I do feel like I am taking a huge risk but didn't know if it was too soon to be feeling that way. I am already in a place that I know what I want for my future. I don't want him to think I am pressuring him or anything like that- but to me if you tell someone you love them- you can't picture your life without them- or at least that is how I am. I guess I am confused that he can say he loves me but isn't sure what the future holds.
Thank you for your input and I appreciate any responses I get- this is a great site - I really enjoy it- glad I found you all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
In reply to: sclark1314
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:27pm
Ok so I have decided- after not sleeping at all last night- to have a talk with him. I need to know how he feels and where we stand. Is it too soon for that? Do you think I am being too pushy? He is such a great guy I would hate to lose him because I can't be patient but at the same time I can't be myself with this hanging over my head like a dark cloud. Looking forward to your opinions
S