New-man confusion ... should I call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
New-man confusion ... should I call?
17
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 1:54am

Okay, so I really just need support on this, or possibly a new action plan.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of some time because we now live several hundred miles apart and it's just too hard. I've gone out with a few people, and it's gotten progressively easier to imagine myself with someone other than my ex. One guy in particular I've been out with three times, and I really like him; we have a lot of common interests, goals, and experiences. The last time we hung out I confess that I let things go a little too far sexually (not all the way to sex, but it was the first time I've kissed another man since the break-up), but he told me how much he enjoyed being with me. I've noticed that he's gotten a lot more comfortable with me and accordingly more affectionate.

Now, here's the problem: he has a very busy career, and I'm a full-time grad student, so time is limited. I want to see him more often than one weeknight a week, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. I invited him out with a group tonight, and he wasn't able to make it, but neither did he make any offer to get together over the weekend. I want to call him tomorrow or Sunday and ask him for some time, but I'm afraid of coming off needy or desperate or otherwise undesireable.

I wonder if I am a) in fact needy or desperate; b) too attached because of the make-out session; or c) just aching for the attentiveness I now lack from my ex. Should I call and let him know that Sunday is my last bit of free time till next weekend, or just let him call the shots and come a'runnin' when/if he does call? Or should I write him off as an inattentive game-player and move on with my life?

What should my next move be?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 4:12am

Honestly, I think you're coming on a bit too strong with the labels and analysis for both of your actions.

You asked if you were >>a) in fact needy or desperate; b) too attached because of the make-out session; or c) just aching for the attentiveness I now lack from my ex.<<

How about none of the above? Perhaps you just like him and enjoy the time you spend together. It's not wrong to want to spend time with someone you like and could possibly see a future with.

You wonder if he is >>an inattentive game-player<<

How about a busy man who enjoyed spending some time with you? I certainly wouldn't call him a "game-player". My understanding of a player is someone who deliberately lies and manipulates to achieves his ends. A bit of snogging and a nice time had together over 3 dates are hardly the actions of a player!

I do believe that you're right about him not wanting to chase you - or else he would have offered a different time. However, this does not make him a bad person. You're just not the right one for him. Yes, things may have been getting more comfortable between the two of you - but as you said, your schedules clash - and this IS a good reason for breaking a relationship. Who in their right mind would want to date someone they hardly saw?

If he calls, go to him if you've got nothing else on. But don't keep your diary free "just in case".

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 10:45am

I think your situation is one in which traditional dating rules should not apply. You both have full and busy schedules with limited free time. As such, I think you both need to contribute to time management for your budding relationship. Making one person accountable and obligated to do all of the time management will likely result in frustration and failure.

I would suggest that you both look at your calendars and schedules in two week blocks. Share this information openly and find times in which you both can reserve for each other. Once you have time reserved, then you can both be actively involved in making plans for that time.

By using this sharing approach, you will not look needy at all. In fact, I suspect that he will be appreciative since you are both taking a proactive approach rather than a reactive approach based on a phone call and invitation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 1:42pm

I see this idea, and I think it's a good one, but I also think it can only apply in a more "committed" situation, one in which both people are clear that they genuinely want to keep seeing eachother. I am not in that situation, because while I am sure I'd like to go out with him again, I'm very much in doubt of his feelings on the subject. When we are together, I feel like he likes me and is interested, but when we are not (when we are trying to plan a date) he's very hard to get a hold of.

I don't want to be a stalker, and I don't want to force this thing to happen if it's not going to naturally. But nor do I want a potentially great relationship to founder because I didn't try hard enough.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 6:29pm

I agree with you...if you were further down the road, that would be one thing, but after only three dates, I think you need to leave the ball in his court and let him initiate the next date.

You've made your interest clear by inviting him out this weekend. Let him take the next step.

When it's uncertain whether a guy is going to call again or not, I find that taking an attitude of "if he calls, great; if not, oh well" works best for me (as opposed to thinking "I need to move on").

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 6:34pm

>>I see this idea, and I think it's a good one, but I also think it can only apply in a more "committed" situation, one in which both people are clear that they genuinely want to keep seeing eachother. I am not in that situation, because while I am sure I'd like to <<

I agree with you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:17am

So here's an update on the situation:

He never called all weekend and there are no emails in my inbox. I am definitely not going to call / email him at all because I am more than a little hurt than he never even acknowledged my offer to go out this weekend. In the past, we have gone out on Monday nights after he gets off work, but I do not have time to see him tonight or at all until the weekend. I don't want to be the sort of girl who just comes when called, or who is relegated to one off-night a week when he has nothing better to do.

I'm really puzzled about the situation, because I thought we had a connection and I thought this was going somewhere, especially given some of his words / actions the last time we went out. Your advice had been that "I find that taking an attitude of "if he calls, great; if not, oh well" works best for me (as opposed to thinking "I need to move on")", but I don't know how to get to that "oh well" stage. I really want to know what happened and why he has chosen not to make any contact. I'm still confused!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:31am

Well, you've only had 3 dates...most people would not consider that to be enough time together that you have to have a conversation about why he's no longer interested in continuing. Of course, the fact that you came close to having sex probably has something to do with your feeling the way you do...we women tend to get attached at that point, and that's why as a rule, it's a good idea to wait until you've been dating longer.

In a nutshell, he's not making contact because he either didn't feel the same connection you did, or he's decided that even though he feels a connection, he just doesn't feel on some level that the two of you are right for each other (and that may actually have nothing to do with you...it could be a timing issue on his part or something else). But the point is, a guy who was potentially right for you would be calling. He's not, so he's not. Repeat that to yourself every time you get upset about the fact he hasn't called...that is how you get to the "oh well" stage.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 3:31pm

EJG-

Call if you want to. Not sure why you would, though. Let me reiterate what I have told countless women on this board...a man is NEVER too busy for a woman, I promise. That is some lame excuse that unfortunately women have accepted for ages (ever since caveman told cave women he was too busy walking the bronosaurus to come and visit)!

Seriously, though, he has a "very busy career" Is he the leader of a nation? The leader of an Army? Is he preparing to fly to the moon? What in the WORLD could he possibly be doing 24 hours a day 7 days a week..... NOTHING

Think about today's single working mother- she wakes up, gets the kids ready, goes to work, comes home, cooks dinner, bathes the kids, you get the point. But surprisingly, these women who have the BUSIEST career, have time for friends, and relationships. He's not too busy.

He could call:
When he was getting ready in the morning
When he was driving to work
In between meeting
On the way to lunch
On the way to back to work
On the way to dinner
On the way back to work
On the way home
Getting ready for bed

You get the point. He's not occupied 24/7. What does that mean? He's not your Mr. Right, move on. You are fabulous and deserve only the best. A man should shower your with attention and affection. Why waste your time on a goob that ACTUALLY thinks you would buy into his lame "I'm SOOOO busy" ploy. You are a grad student so your intelligent AND you're a woman- you aren't going to fall for that.

Kick that clown to the side of the road, and keep moving...your Mr. Right is on the horizon! He's not good enough to deserve a call from the fabulous you!

Hugs and Kisses!

Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:09pm

Dear ejgryphon2006:

It's like being an alcoholic: if you have to ask if you're too needy or desperate, you are. Don't worry, though! We've ALL been there. And, yes, your makeout sessions cause your hormones and oxytocin levels to rise--these are what make you feel connected/bonded to your man. And, on top of everything else, if HE'S not reassuring you emotionally, your getting a bad case of the clingy/needies is inevitable.

I'm a proponent of mars venus principles and post widely on the mv message board. I invite you to add your voice to the discussions out there, EJ. You are in grad school. I have a PhD, so I know how competitive grad school can be. You are obviously bright, articulate, caring, loving, and warm. I would lay odds that you come in a cute package too.

There are hundreds like us on mv boards all wondering the same thing: why do I settle for less than I want? What hooks me to a man who is not ready to give me what I want and need? And if you go to sexual intimacy, you will bond more deeply, while he (satisfied perfectly) may not love you any more or better or even at all (worst case, and it happens all he time).

I hope you will come to the mv message board and hear what the women say. MV principles aside, I hope you will continue to nourish your self esteem and will not give yourself away to someone who isn't on your page.

As for your initial question, "Should I call," my experience is (and I'm channeling my mother as I type) when girls chase boys, boys run for the hills. In MV terms, you and he are in uncertainty: so, date other guys, let this one pursue you, and when he's giving you the emotional support you require, go for it with him! But date other men at this time, make comparisons, and always hold yourself in high esteem. You are the prize, let the guy earn you!

Best wishes! You sound like a wonderful woman who deserves the very best love and treatment! beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:54pm

No I do not think you are being too needy at all. I was in the same situation. my g/f ended it last month and I am still working on somehow being back in her life as her b/f. I wanted to see her all the time but we are both in school, working, etc.

She said to me as a concern that maybe she cant give me what I want and I was stupid and failed to realize that what I wanted I already had. I had her and I kept trying to "plan" everything out or got mad all the time that she could not make a decision. What I wanted was right in front of me the whole time and I took it for granted.

So with him, talk with him and let him know that you feel you might be asking a lot but its how you feel. Ask him what he honestly thinks about what has happened. It dos not sound too bad at all. He might be busy with tests, etc. and he does not want to hurt you or fail his classes. Dont take anything for granted. Call and say tell him that you were unsure when or if to call but that you just wanted to follow up, maybe wish him some luck on his tests or work and ask him what HE wants to do. and fight for him! if you like him, fight fight fight! its so easy to give up. its harder to stay in it.

Thats what i am trying to do now and i can only hope to some how get her to see my POV and get back into her arms

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