New-man confusion ... should I call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
New-man confusion ... should I call?
17
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 1:54am

Okay, so I really just need support on this, or possibly a new action plan.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of some time because we now live several hundred miles apart and it's just too hard. I've gone out with a few people, and it's gotten progressively easier to imagine myself with someone other than my ex. One guy in particular I've been out with three times, and I really like him; we have a lot of common interests, goals, and experiences. The last time we hung out I confess that I let things go a little too far sexually (not all the way to sex, but it was the first time I've kissed another man since the break-up), but he told me how much he enjoyed being with me. I've noticed that he's gotten a lot more comfortable with me and accordingly more affectionate.

Now, here's the problem: he has a very busy career, and I'm a full-time grad student, so time is limited. I want to see him more often than one weeknight a week, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. I invited him out with a group tonight, and he wasn't able to make it, but neither did he make any offer to get together over the weekend. I want to call him tomorrow or Sunday and ask him for some time, but I'm afraid of coming off needy or desperate or otherwise undesireable.

I wonder if I am a) in fact needy or desperate; b) too attached because of the make-out session; or c) just aching for the attentiveness I now lack from my ex. Should I call and let him know that Sunday is my last bit of free time till next weekend, or just let him call the shots and come a'runnin' when/if he does call? Or should I write him off as an inattentive game-player and move on with my life?

What should my next move be?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:32pm

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response, BeyondMeasure. My mother says the very same thing: let him chase you. Accordingly, I left him alone, and then, on Tuesday, I recieved an email. He asked me to go out on Friday night. Trying to seem like I wasn't just hoping he'd contact me, I waited a few hours and wrote back in the evening that I would love to. However, this morning, he sent another email to say he'd scored some baseball tickets for Friday night and wondered if I'd be around after the game or if I had plans for the evening.

As I said in my original post, I do no want to be the kind of girl who comes running whenever a guy pulls up and honks his horn. I am not a PS to his evening, especially when I turned down later invitations for the night because I had plans to go out with him. The email I wrote back said "Yes, I had plans for the evening - with you. You did ask me out. Since you've found something better to do, I guess we'll have to reschedule."

I do wonder if I was a little harsh, but I think he needs to recognize that I deserve respect. I'm not trying to plan a future with him, just a night out. He has not yet responded, and I don't plan on being available this weekend even if he does. He needs to make plans with me and stick to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:22pm

Dear EJ:

Were you too harsh? Not at all! What he did was rude, and he deserved a terse reply. However, did you pave a path for this man to easily come to you? Not so much! In chiding him, however well deserved, it makes it difficult for him to ask you out again. He's going to feel apologetic and men don't like feeling like they've disappointed a woman or that she is hurt or angry.

So, can this situation be rescued? Yes, I think so. You threw down a guantlet, so now you need to wait for him to solve his problem of how to get back to you, and HE WILL if you leave him alone AND if he likes you enough to pursue you. If he does, AWESOME--there's hope for him!

If he doesn't call (and I'd give him 2 full weeks!) you can either 1) know that his feelings weren't sufficiently strong enough to call you and move on; or 2)send him a lighthearted email that makes no mention of his past decision. Just something that shows him you are still willing to be receptive.

What I'm advising is based on my interpretation of mars venus principles--if you post this problem on that board, you'll get tons of very generous advice! Best wishes, beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 3:58pm

BeyondMeasure-
Once again, thank you for your response. In fact, I did get an apology email this morning in which he explained that the game is a work function he was suddenly expected to attend. Whether or not this is true, he should have said it in the first place instead of making it sound like he simply found something more exciting than spending an evening with a (as you said) warm, smart, and attractive young woman.

At this point, I'm not so worried about if I have "paved a path for this man to easily come to" me, because I'm no longer convinced that I care. If he can't make me a priority, treat me with respect, or at least apologize when he's wrong, then I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me. And while I did chide him, I also left it open for rescheduling, so he doesn't need to summon the courage to ask me out again.

At the end of his email, he said that he would call me this afternoon (presumably after work and before the game) to try to reschedule our date. I've got plans with a girlfriend this evening and I don't know if I'll be available to answer the phone or call him back tonight. I suppose (and now I'm the one channelling my mother) I'mm just have to make him "work for it."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 4:32pm

EJG:

If you had any question before about this guy's intentions, they should have been resolved when he cancelled his plans with you. I don't care what the "Rules" or any other book says, "game playing" doesn't work. What's the point? Are you trying to "trick" him into dating you, or liking you, or calling you??? Forget playing hard to get. Those games are for women who are insecure and misguided. You are not that kind of woman- you are fabulous!

For the Mars and Venus fan- John Gray also points out in his books that in the beginning stages of a relationship, everyone puts their best foot forward.... if this behavior is his "best foot" then you best put your foot, elsewhere!!! (up his.... just kidding).

Forget waiting two weeks, forget coy little e-mails or text messages, or waiting a certain amount of time to pick up the phone or call him back. If you need to use these methods, you aren't dealing with a man that is worthy of being your Mr. Right.

Move on and spend your time focusing on yourself and your needs, and when you aren't looking, that's when you'll find the guy who will adore you, call you all of the time, make (and most importantly keep) plans with you. This guy is far from any of that- so go out on the town and have a blast being you!

Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 4:47pm

Hear, hear! I agree about the waiting period, sending messages, etc...although given his apology, I might give the guy another shot...but he'd have to do some fancy stepping to get back in my good graces as the OP said ;-).

And no offense to beyondmeasure, but I took a look at the MV boards last night out of curiosity and I was dismayed to say the least. I read one thread in particular that was 27 pages of lessons on how NOT to do online dating ;-)--we would have set those gals straight right quick on the online dating board here on Ivillage and helped them avoid a *whole* lot of heartache ;-). Hey, if it works for some people, awesome...but it's not for me, at least not wholesale.

Edited to add: my intent is not to try to get into some sort of "which board is better" discussion (although I like IV boards a whole heck of a lot ;-), having been part of this community since 2000 or so)...I just wanted to present another point of view. If any poster is helped by the MV boards or any other board, that's just great, IMO.

Sheri




Edited 5/5/2006 5:42 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 6:17pm

Dear EJ:

Awesome you! Girl, if I'd known as much as you in grad school, I'd be the queen of my life today! Perfectly done. And yes, mom is always right--let him earn you and never undersell yourself! beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 9:29am

Dear Savannah:

I hear you. I don't believe in playing games either. The reason I responded as I did is that too frequently women simply cannot take in the simple truth--that they need to just move along, ain't nothin' to see there.

It's as Rilke observes in his poetry, we have to "live our questions into answers." If (and it happened not to be the case for EJ) a woman's heart is determined to cling to her unworthy man, no amoount of our prying her away will work. She'll just become disenfranchised or feel worse about herself, feeling the resonant truth of the advice, but unable to live up to it.

I am a fan of JG, for sure, but subscribe ultimately to what works. I come to these message boards to help women, like myself, to offer support, to present choices. Ultimately, it's not whether we "win" the "game" or connect with a man. The goal is to know ourselves, where we are at in any given moment, and to live authentically within that moment.

So, if one is suffering, I say, suffer well and truly. If one is ready to move on, then run and don't look back. As Hamlet says, "the readiness is all."

I often suggest MV principles because they provide an easy to digest grid. And the MV boards are full of hundreds of women, combining their collective wisdom with or without MV principles.

Hey, I'm going to follow your link and take a peek at your book! beyondmeasure

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