new relationship??
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new relationship??
| Thu, 12-22-2005 - 6:24am |
In the beginning of Oct, I met a man online…we hit it off, and we’ve been dating for almost 3 mos….although we both have very demanding careers, we have been seeing each other regularly (he has usually only 1 wkend night off most wkends, and ever since our first date he’s planned a date w/ me during his 1 night off)…in addition, we have a weekly “phone date night” where we both catch up and chat. So things have been progressing very nicely given our circumstances and schedules. A few weeks ago, we slept together for the first time, and it was very nice My concern..I don’t know if I’m overanalyzing, but I still have this very slight doubt in the back of mind as to how he feels about me…because he’s never come out and said anything about it. I know that it’s still pretty early (3 mos), but recently I’ve really felt like I’m beginning to develop strong feelings for him, and it’s scary because I have no idea if this is something he feels the same about/could in the future feel the same about/or may not want a committed relationship w/ me. Judging by his actions, he is 100% always very caring, considerate, and does very thoughtful things for me. We basically “act” like we’re a couple, although we’ve never had the “exclusivity” talk…I’ve just sort of trusted that he hasn’t been seeing anyone else. I know actions speak louder than words, but I would like to know how he feels about me…I don’t want/need to have a “daily relationship talk” or anything like that, all I really want is to hear it once, what he thinks. However, I don’t want to scare him off because I know it’s early, so I was thinking to maybe wait a month or so and bring it up depending on how things go. Important note – (what set me off the past few days): I was fine w/ “going w/ the flow” the first 3 months, but several days ago I logged back on to the website (which I had canceled about a month or so ago) to see if he was still active. He was, w/in 24 hours. Given his schedule, I know there’s NO possible way that he could meet someone else, and since things have been progressing so nicely for the last several mos, I don’t think he’d want to bring another girl into the picture…but I just have to wonder, because I was honestly a little surprised (and sad) that he still not only has a profile, but is still regularly using this site. Any and all honest opinions, feedback, and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!!!!

I really do not think it is a big deal he is going to the site still. It is usual for the woman once she begins dating to leave the site but guys don’t. They leave when they are comfortable with where things are going. My guy didn’t stop going to the site we met until 3 or 4 mos after we began dating. I never brought it up and he did. Just one day out the blue he says “I have no reason to return to the site anymore” I was like, oh ok. No big thing because if he found someone fine that meant he was looking and I should have been doing the same. Just because you have a few dates doesn’t mean much. I am all for dating more then one person at a time until I am in a relationship. It keeps you balanced. Ok, sorry I have rambled and you asked a question. Ask him what is going and where does he see things and go from there. But, I think it because you have had sex with him you have now let your guard down and ready for a relationship to know where you stand. It will seem like wow we slept together now she is ready to settle down, to him. But, since you didn’t ask before because you were going with the flow and now you wonder you will have to ask with the risk of him thinking this is too much or ready to talk about it. And even if he talks about it be prepared for he is not ready for a relationship or he is ok where things are now answer. Good luck
Marie
I think it's time for you to at least have a talk with him. Why? Because, don't ASSUME ANYTHING!!! Just because YOU'RE not seeing anyone, and you don't THINK he is, doesnt' mean he isn't sleeping with someone else, or seeing other women, or even having sex with multiple women, including you.
The exclusivity talk (at least sexually) should've been had prior to sex, or at least soon after. However, that's the past, so next time, instead of making assumptions, please just ask.
so, my two cents. Talk to him. Ask him where he stands. Ask him for exclusivity in the area of sex (unless you don't care if he's having sex with other women, then nevermind). ask him how he feels about you two, if he feels you are dating, casually, seroiusly, etc.
You could get really hurt by what he's saying, not cuz you're scaring him off, but because you assumed WAY too much jsut because of his "actions" of spending time with you, etc. Actions AND words have to coincide and show you the same thing, in order to truly know if they say what they mean, or do what they mean.
I'm not tryign to scare you, but assuming a guy isn't dating around, or sleeping around, is dangerous business...especially if you have had unprotected sex, and even worse, if you are falling for him.
Talk to him. I don't think asking for sexual exclusivity and knowing what he sees you two as, so far, is too fast at 3 months. heck, i'd like to know what he's looking for too (serious r'ship, marriage, nothing, etc). and lastly, if you can have sex with him, then you should be mature enough to be able to talk to him about anything....otherwise, you shouldn't be having sex with him (just meaning.....if you're scared of running him off, yet having sex with him.....where are your priorities)
New spin on things - period is late, so took an ept test. While false negatives are common, false positives aren't that common...and my test came out positive. We're both out of town visiting our families...he's returning tomorrow and I on Thursday. How do I tell him? If we talk on the phone prior to my return, or wait until in person Thursday night? I think he deserves to know asap, but I don't like the idea of telling him over the phone - I won't get to see his reaction and there will be no way for him to comfort me..right now the only thing I can imagine that would make me feel that everything will be okay is a hug from him.
I'd like to make an appt asap, and it's driving me crazy having to wait until Thursday...wow, and I thought I had problems before...any advice would be greatly appreciated...right down to even how tell tell him. Thanks everyone for listening.
OKay, take a deep breath. I was in your situation 15 years ago. I got pregnant by a guy I hadn't dated very long. I don't know which way you are leaning, abortion, adoption or keeping the child. I recommend you make this decision on your own first if you feel strongly one way or the other. You don't know if he will support you or not. You haven't even talked about dating exclusively yet. You might be on the same page but you might not. Many men feel just as strongly about this topic as women. In my case I chose to keep my son. I had a feeling the father would not want to be involved and I was right. He wanted me to have an abortion (he didn't want the responsibility) and tried to influence me. You are the one that will have to live with the decision YOU make. I am not trying to tell you which way to go. I know my decision was right for me, and my son's father is actually grateful I did it. We never got back together but he is involved in my son's life and loves him as much as I do.
My point is you don't know how this guy will react so don't count on him for support. You are assuming he will be there for you. This might freak him out. Even if you agree on the decision he might not give you the emotional support you are looking for. I also recommend another test just to be sure. I hope he is supportive and good luck.
If you want to be smart....yuo'll determine what you want to do THAT IS WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.
You can't make him marry you - and he likely wouldn't.
You can't make him want this child - and he easily might not.
You can't predict or control his reaction or his values.
Are you unwilling to get an abortion - if so, know that before telling him. HE easily might suggest it, know where to obtain one quickly, and be willing to pay. If you're unwilling for that - know it now - that it doesn't become a topic for "discussion as a possibility".
If you're unwilling to put it up for adoption.....know that before telling him. He easily might consider this an excellent alternative to you being a single mother, and him being responsible for more children in more residences. If you're unwiling to do this, know it now - so that it doesn't become a discussion of possibility.
If you're NOT wiling to be a single mother.....getting only child support and involvement from him for the sake of the child.....then realize you're now back to adoption or abortion as an option.
Becuase being a "single mother" is the only thing that you guarantee that you can control.
So tell him that you're knocked up - get prepared for any reaction from "how could you do this to me"....to "okay, let's get rid of it, neither of us need this in a casual relationship"......to "how do you feel about being a single mother?"....to "well, could see where the relationship goes, if you want to have it and maybe we can form a relationship, maybe not."
And knowing what you believe and require OF YOURSELF helps before telling him anything.
Basically, he wants nothing to do in vital to him ways regarding his family, or his children......soo you having his child isn't going to include you - with his family or his existing children. And it'll encounter on him plenty of negativity from his friends and his children about getting involved with someone so duplicitous as to get "knocked up" behind his back, complicate his life, etc.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com