New relationship, already talking future

Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
New relationship, already talking future
17
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 3:39pm

I met M on 11/12/2005 at a mutual friend's party. We hit it off right away and have seen each other nearly every day since then. We talk at least once a day, usually more. So far he seems perfect for me (but don't they all in the begining?) and we're both on the same page and want the same things. We've talked about all the big basics - kids, marriage, money, etc. - and he's been the one to bring them all up! We're both 30 and complaining of our biological clocks ticking. LOL

So I guess what I want to know is this - in your experience (guys and girls), how often is a guy this forward and open about wanting to settle down and start a family? Is it rare and he's probably just caught up in the "begining bliss" or is he probably serious? How soon is too soon to know that someone is The One? He's already asked what type of ring I like, said that he'd ask my father for his blessing before proposing, told me that if we're still together in a year he wants to start a family together, etc. I've told him ,"one thing at a time". To me, this means (in this order or really close to it):
1. Become an officially exclusive couple.
2. Say, "I love you".
3. Move in together.
4. Get engaged.
5. Get married.
6. Start a family.

Now I don't have a particular timeline in mind as every relationship is different, but I'd like to do things in a certain order, you know? I'm definitely falling in love with him though. :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:10pm

<< What do you consider to be a "long engagement". >>

More than a year from proposal to wedding. Logistically, it doesn't take more than a year to plan a wedding. That said, if a couple isn't actually ready to plan the wedding and get the ball rolling, then ... don't get engaged. And, if you really want to get engaged and married within a year ... but, let's say ... don't have the financial resources to have the "dream wedding" ... then, what you're saying is that you prize the "day" more than making the committment a reality.

A couple that wants to get married, will get married ... there are no barring exceptions, IMO, of putting it off because the "dream day" is out of reach. The "dream" wedding day isn't what's important, in the grand scheme of life ... it's ONE day, the wedding ... the marriage is a lifetime committment, that IMO, should take precedence over having the perfect venue, dress and impressing all your guests.

<< I'm totally not into them - I think that as soon as a couple gets engaged that they should set a date 6-12 months into the future >>

I'd agree.

Avatar for susananne12874
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Registered: 09-02-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:50pm

Gotcha. I thought that's what you meant, but I just wanted to be sure. :-)

As far as getting engaged first... If we weren't already engaged before he bought a place, my true "wish" would be for him to buy the house/condo of his choosing (maybe asking my opinion on it, but that's up to him). Then, after giving me the grand tour of his still-empty place, he opens a bottle of champagne for us to toast his investment. Then, after the toast, he says something romantic about how he doesn't want to live another day without me, gets down on one knee and proposes with a beautiful ring.

Hee hee... anyway... LOL Actually, getting engaged first (especially when buying a house/condo) makes financial sense, too. Save up for the ring and down payment at the same time - then once you have the place and are engaged, move in together. Then planning the wedding will be easier too with the other person right there. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:46pm

I hope it works out that way for you guys, I truly do!

But, I'm concerned that you're projecting much too much into the future ... in terms of seeing him in it ... in that, you've already built this "ideal scenario" in your mind of how you hope things will be.

It's great to be idealistic, romantic, dreamy 'n all ... but, you also have to be factual, realistic ... head out of the clouds and feet planted on the ground. Romance is wonderful, but romance does not equal a future. Conscious decisions and choices are what makes a future.

The problem is ... when we get "caught up in the dream" ... the ideal ... the romance ... that's when the rose-colored glasses go on ... and we tend to overlook the facts ... that's where the phrase "blinded by love" was coined. ha.

Be careful to not get so swept away in the romance and the dream of it all that you're blinded by love. It WILL inhibit your ability to make conscious decisions, to see the "signs" if things aren't working out and instead overlook them.

Since you've only known him a month, it is concerning that you've already got the "white picket fence" ideal in your mind with him. If this doesn't work out, do you realize how disappointed you're going to be? If this dream crashes down?

Dreams do become reality. They can. Have the dream, that's great! But, for the time being, try to not picture the two of you in it. Hon, it's just TOO EARLY in your relationship to be going down this path in your head. It just is. Please, keep your feet planted on the ground, too.

I previously posted some links about living together/cohabitating (hope you read them!)

Please read the following, too: http://commitment-phobia.com/bookexcerpt.html

Of course, I'm by no means saying that you have to believe everything you read (ha!) ... experience is the best teacher, after all. Sometimes we have to put ourselves thru these experiences first hand to "get it" ... but, if you knew that MOST committment-phobe types of guys almost always start off the relationship STRONG, with lots of plans and ideas, would that allow you to step back a bit and take it as it comes without projecting into the future?

Fortunately, I haven't dealt with a guy like this ... because, in the past ... I've just had a natural tendency to "steer clear" when a guy comes on too strong, too fast. As said in a previous post, if a guy I was dating started mentioning rings in the first month, I'd be gone. But, that's just me.

However, I have had a couple of friends whom I've seen this with ... what's described in this article/book excerpt ... and boy, were they let down.

Please read it, and see how much of the "beginning stages" resonantes with where you're at right now. I'm not trying to burst your bubble ... just provide you with inform to make an informed decision and give you some "signs" to look for ... because I'd hate to see any woman go thru what I've seen my friends go thru.

Avatar for susananne12874
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Registered: 09-02-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:52pm

<< More than a year from proposal to wedding. Logistically, it doesn't take more than a year to plan a wedding. That said, if a couple isn't actually ready to plan the wedding and get the ball rolling, then ... don't get engaged. And, if you really want to get engaged and married within a year ... but, let's say ... don't have the financial resources to have the "dream wedding" ... then, what you're saying is that you prize the "day" more than making the committment a reality.

A couple that wants to get married, will get married ... there are no barring exceptions, IMO, of putting it off because the "dream day" is out of reach. The "dream" wedding day isn't what's important, in the grand scheme of life ... it's ONE day, the wedding ... the marriage is a lifetime committment, that IMO, should take precedence over having the perfect venue, dress and impressing all your guests. >>

Yes, definitely. However, I was talking more about things like scheduling of things that *are* important to some people. For example, a girl that I work with was really close to her father but he passed away. To honor him, she wanted to get married on his birthday but in order for the date to be on a Saturday, she needed to wait 2 years after she got engaged so she did. Also, sometimes with bigger churches (or at least churches that have a lot of weddings) they're already booked in the month(s) that you want to get married so you might need to wait until the next year. For me, I don't care what month I get married in, but the Winter months are last on my list. LOL That leaves a pretty open range of Spring, Summer and Fall in which to get married. I'm Irish, as is my boyfriend, so I'd like to marry on a Friday night or a Sunday since it's an old Irish thing that marrying on a Saturday is bad luck. (I think my previous marriage is proof of that. LOL)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:51pm

<< Yes, definitely. However, I was talking more about things like scheduling of things that *are* important to some people.>>

Situational detail, logistics, etc. Sure, I get that. But, people are different. I'm not much of one for situational details. I'm more a "big picture" person. I can see why your friend would put her wedding off for two years, to honor her Dad's bday. And, that's what worked for her, per what she valued. And, that was what was important in her "big picture" though the specific day was a "detail." If it were me, and my dad was no longer around, I would know that my Dad would want for me to "seize the day" and not put it off, because as evidenced by his passing, life is too short to put off what's important to you.

I'm not a morbid fatalist (ha), but I'm very well aware that my place and time on this planet is fragile, as it truly is for all of us, and that there is no guarantee that any one of us will be here tomorrow, or next week, or next year. So, live it up ... be present ... don't live in the future, be IN IT NOW ... but, that's just me.

Anyhoo, as for the other stuff, the details ... I'm probably not the best person to comment on that stuff ... because, that stuff's not me ... the church, the dress, the actual day ... those are just mundane details to me ... in other words, they won't make that much of a difference AFTER that day (any day that my anniversary lands on is going to be ok with me) ... so, that stuff isn't important to me ... but, that's just me ... doesn't make it wrong for those who that IS important to ... not at all ... just saying that, I don't relate that well on that level because those things aren't that important to me.

Avatar for susananne12874
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Registered: 09-02-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 3:27pm

Oh, I got that idea from the episode of "ER" when Dr. Green proposed to Dr. Corday. He hid the ring in the freezer which is cute, but I want the on-bended-knee thing. As long as my proposal is romantic - whenever, however, from whomever it comes - I'll be thrilled.

As far as the articles, etc that you posted - I have to remember to check them at home because I can't access some of them with our company's access filter... some of them have content ratings that won't allow me to view them here. I hate it when that happens! LOL

Regardless, not to worry. This has happened to me before where things are going great at the begining and after a few months they fizzle out. I could be wrong (becaue there *are* no guarantees) but (not to sound cliche) this time it honestly feels different. We clicked like I clicked with my best friend from the moment she and I first met and she's the best friend a person could ever ask for. I know that there's a difference between a friend and a boyfriend, but I want the person that I end up with to be my best friend too and he's on his way to becoming that. :-)

Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:40am

<< I'm not a morbid fatalist (ha), but I'm very well aware that my place and time on this planet is fragile, as it truly is for all of us, and that there is no guarantee that any one of us will be here tomorrow, or next week, or next year. So, live it up ... be present ... don't live in the future, be IN IT NOW ... but, that's just me. >>

So one could say, "If it feels right, go for it!" about relationships too. ;-) I'm definitely about seizing the day, appreciating the here-and-now, stopping to "smell the roses", etc. I'd love to do something spontaneous (after I was already engaged, of course) like run off to Vegas to get married. Then on an anniversary we could renew our vows locally and have a "reception" for our family and close friends.

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