new relationship blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
new relationship blues
5
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 1:43pm

I've gone from feeling unsure about the man I am dating (2.5 months), to feeling insecure and fearing that it won't work out. Everything seems great so far except for some concerns I have. I don't think we had the so-called "honeymoon" period. Both of us were on the rational front about the relationship. I mean, we enjoy spending time with each other, but we also need our own spaces. We tried spending one whole weekend together and he ended up feeling irritated. He later figured out that he must've felt that way because he didn't give himself enough alone-time and he had tons of things that needed to be taken care of. I suppose the greatest thing about this relationship, in my opinion, is that we're able to communicate to each other openly and rationally. However, I must admit that when he told me we were spending too much time together that weekend, I felt hurt. We usually see each other once or twice during the week, and then maybe for 2 days in the weekend. We IM each other daily, but hardly any phone calls (alas, the bless and the the curse of IM). Perhaps he just needs more space than most people. I have a busy schedule too, and I try not to be clingy, but it still didn't make me feel good that he felt suffocated when we spent 3 days in a row together. So my question is, is this normal for new relationships? Aren't we supposed to be all over each other and wanting to be with each other 24/7? Well, I am not saying that we should - I'd feel suffocated too. But shouldn't we WANT to do that? I was ok with the 3-days... My concern is, if he already can't stand it, does it mean that we can never take a weekend trip together? Does it mean that the relationship can never progress to beyond seeing each other twice to three times a week?

As I mentioned, I've become more and more insecure as time goes by. In the beginning I think I was holding back on my emotions. Well, I still am, but now for different reasons. It was then because of my ex, the uncertainty, fear of getting hurt, etc. Between the two of us, he has always been more enthusiastic about the relationship - or at least it seemed that way. One day I even told him that perhaps we shouldn't be together because I was still hung up on my ex - it was one of those bad days that made me feel nostalgic. He convinced me that we should work on it together. And now a month later, I don't even think about my ex anymore. Though I am still holding back - but now for the fear that I'll be too emotionally attached and will be heart-broken again. I feel anxious. I care more about our differences (or any slight indications that things might not work out), wonder how he feels about me, and wonder how long the relationship will last. I kind of feel that we started off on the wrong foot. I told him everything, all my emotional struggles, my doubts, everything. And sometimes I think I was just trying to find excuses to end the relationship (so that I wouldn't get hurt later on). While he said he appreciates the honesty and openness, I knew that I should've really kept some of the stuff to myself instead. I don't know if I am making any sense... I still try to maintain my coolness and not show him my eagerness (don't want to scare him away), but the truth is that I think I am falling for him and I am scared to death about this change. What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I let go of my emotions and end up getting hurt? This is so hard! I don't know how to behave anymore. Am I worrying too much for no reason? Just a while ago I posted a message saying that too much sanity makes me question if I am really into him. Now I am afraid that I am going to lose the sanity... Please help. Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 1:50pm

Well, yeah, what if?? That's always a risk...you're never going to find a relationship that has no risk.

If you come at the relationship from a position of fear, that's not a good thing. You need to be confident that if it ends, you'll be ok.

If you're not willing to risk heart-break, then you may as well not have any relationships ever again, because there is *always* going to be that risk.

Have you read "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills? I think you might benefit from reading it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 5:48pm

<< So my question is, is this normal for new relationships? >>

Normal is a relative term. What's "normal" for some may not be normal for others. The only thing that matters is what works for BOTH of you.

I believe that relationships that start fast and furious, spending everyday together, have a higher liklihood of "crashing and burning" just as fast. There's something to be said for taking things slow and giving each other space. For one, it gives each person the time to 'long for' the other person ... and secondly, if you're together everyday, it's really hard to keep that pace up ... and usually one or the other needs to pull back (usually the guy) and the woman ends up feeling short-changed or feeling like "uh oh, it's changing" ... but, reality is, that intensity is hard to keep up.

<< Aren't we supposed to be all over each other and wanting to be with each other 24/7? shouldn't we WANT to do that? >>

Eliminate the SHOULDS and focus on what IS. One of my sayings is "stop should'ing on yourself" ... if how things SHOULD be starts taking priority of what and how it is ... you'll only end up working yourself into a frenzy. Take things one day at a time. And by all means, don't compare your relationship with others.

<< My concern is, if he already can't stand it, does it mean that we can never take a weekend trip together? >>

Not necessarily. As you said, when he was irritated before during your 3-days together ... he said he had a lot to take care of at home. Sounds like he was just distracted. That doesn't mean that it will ALWAYS be that way. Again, take each thing as it comes rather than project fears of "does this mean he'll never want to take a trip together?" ... all that means is that perhaps THAT particular weekend wasn't the best timing for him.

<< Does it mean that the relationship can never progress to beyond seeing each other twice to three times a week? >>

Ditto on above. And again, recognize the value in taking things slow. When my BF and I started seeing each, we only saw each other a couple times a week. Now, almost 2 years later, we see each other probably 5 out of 7 days a week and talk several times a day ... mainly because we're involved in each other's lives ... so, the phone calls are warranted ... it's not just "hi, how are you? wanna do something, etc" as it is in the "getting to know each other" phase.

So, while many couples start out seeing each other every day, etc ... we did things the exact opposite ... we saw each other frequently but not all the time ... and now that we're involved in each other's lives and have a real and bonded relationship, we see each other pretty much everyday (without living together).

In closing, don't worry about NORMAL ... just take it as it comes, and enjoy it ... otherwise, you might end up sabotaging a good thing with fears and insecurities of how it SHOULD be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:43pm

OOh I can relate to alot of what you have said. I'm not expert just wanted to type out some understanding. I think love brings out alot of emotions we feel vulnerable, confused, and want to talk about our feelings. I have the come here go away thing going on all the time! I have always kept an honest openess in my relationships with a man, but sometimes it seems to come to a point of pride and self-esteem on whether or not HE wants to share his heart with me. I want to sooo bad to understand my man, but sometimes it's that Mars/Venus thing in psyches that all we can do is just be there for each other. I don't think we have to completely understand. The heart knows it's own sorrow. No one wants to get their heart abused or trampled on we all have TRUST issues. We all have been heart broke and some pour souls keep making the same mistakes over again, but live and learn. Every relationship has risks. I always have one leg out saying "I don't need him." You know expecting the worst that way I won't have to deal with my disappointment. You know Jesus has the biggest place in my heart. I am my own person not codependent or toxic to anyone. I dont' want to make no one miserable with my insecurities I take it one day at a time. I think this is healthy do you agree?
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Not sure why the female mind questions and analyzes everything?? I still think men are just as moody as women! The roles you play, self-esteem, how you were brought up influence alot too I think.

I guess I'm trying to understand, but I wanted to post the main culprit I think can either help or complicate a relationship. Sorry this is long. It's self-esteem. I have to keep telling myself that I am worthy and capable of giving and receiving love and that God's still working on me I'm not perfect. My man is going to have to love me for all the inward complications, joys, moods, faces, and roles/masks that I wear. I wish we could measure the give & take in a relationship. I think we fall in love with the rush & newness of a person or lust after the feeling of being in love rather than the person. It's hard to recognize the needs of others. I am having trouble with a needy boyfriend at this moment. I like humble men, but I'm not sure how to handle a confident man since I'm not that confident myself so maybe WE can help each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 9:17am

jjj,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I don't have great words of advice but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am dating a man who needs a lot of space too. And while I intellectually know that it isn't usually about me for some reason I still take him not wanting to see me personally. We have been together for about 3.5 months and he is the best guy I have ever dated. And I ruin my joy of dating such a great guy by being in constant fear that he is going to dump me. So when he would rather go to a movie by himself than be with me, I instantly fear that he is tired of me and will be getting rid of me soon.

It mostly has to do with self-esteem and personal history- for me no one has ever wanted to be with me for very long so I just assume that no one ever will. It also has to do with having something valuable in your life and therefore something to lose. And a guy who needs a lot of time to himself doesn't provide that constant reassurance that I would like to have.

We just have to decide if the reward of being with someone we like (even if they don't want to be around us as much as we would like) is worth the risk of heartbreak. I just wish I knew how to enjoy the moment without panicking about the future

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 12:13pm

I know exactly how you feel. And Starbuck gave some really good advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 and a half months and this is my first serious relationship. I feel like I have been somewhat codependent on him because I literally want to spend 24/7 with him. I feel like I have become somewhat less independent that I was before because whenever i'm doing something without him, I am always thinking about him, and checking my phone to see if he texted me.. ..I know..sounds pathetic, right?!

I think it's the nature of us girls to want to be with their guys 24/7 early on in the relationship. And it's hard not to feel concern when your guy doesn't want to spend every waking moment with you. Then you get to thinking, "what is he doing?, is he thinking about me?"

I think you need to give it a little more time. Two and a half months is still really early to decide things because you are both getting used to being in a relationship with each other. I should probably take my own advice, because I, like you, focus on the differences more than the similarities and I ponder and ponder over them in my head constantly to rationalize why we are together. I even had a talk with him the other night bringing up my concern on whether we are "compatible" and he said he never had any doubts about our compatability nor got so frustrated with me as I do with him. So, who really knows. I blame it on my gender..thinking everything should be perfect all the time.

Ah this relationship stuff is hard, right?! Good luck, and as i said, give it time. I am DEFINITELY no expert AT ALL..i'm just trying to show you that I know how it feels to be confused in a relationship early on.