New relationship q&a/insecurities
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New relationship q&a/insecurities
| Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:32pm |
Just wanted some male & female opinions. My BF & I have been together only 6 months. We have both been single for about 3 years. Im 25, he's 32. The qualities that we share are the same ones that make me worry. We are both very independent. This was nice at first because we were dating because we wanted to, not because we felt like we needed a SO. But now sometimes I worry as we get closer, that he might very well decide that its not worth the hassle. We have a great relationship so far, but we are still just getting to know eachother and were starting to hit a few snags, no deal breakers. Im trying very hard not to let insecurities from my past change my feelings towards him. Has anyone ever felt this way? Like they may be ruining a good thing with their hang ups? The funny thing is when I met him I was so confident in myself, the most I ever have been. I still am, but Im not confident in us I guess. I do like him, but sometimes I get cold feet thinking about things like kids and learning to cook. I know thats kinda normal jitters given our ages and we have not discussed marriage or moving in together nor will we for a long time. But how do you stop yourself from your own questioning? Because if I just took what he said and how he treated me at face value it would be obvious to me hes crazy about me and I feel the same. Im on the edge of a great thing and I dont want to screw it up. This is the best relationship Ive ever been in (YAY) and although this isnt the most time Ive invested in someone, it is the most emotion Ive invested, I know hes great and were great together. But I guess old self doubting habits die hard. Any advice/suggestions?

I understand your worries and concerns. The best thing I can tell you is to relax and go with the flow. When you start to feel stressed about the r'ship, remember that TODAY is really all you have. Allow him the space and time to truly show you who he is and just enjoy your r'ship. Have fun and keep things light.
The truth of the matter is that it could all change at anytime or in a heartbeat, so try to remain flexible and keep from getting stuck in thinking that he's the one. He could be the guy for you but then again, he may not be. Either way, make sure you remain clear and focused on the type of guy you want and how you want to be treated. If he begins to show you that who he is as a person is not consistent with the type of guy you want to be with, then move on.
Hope this helps....
Heymum
Good news, "Has anyone ever felt this way? Like they may be ruining a good thing with their hang ups?" the btter question would be "Has anyone ever NOT felt this way?"
I think almost all people or at least almost all women have felt this way. I can absolutely confirm I'VE felt this way more then once. The first couple of times I couldn't get a handle on it. The good news is I finally was able to when I met the man that became my husband.
The method that worked for me is doing exactly what you seem to be doing. Staying aware of the fact it was MY issue and reminding myself that those fears and insecurities, while perfectly normal, were also completely unfounded. Also I managed to find the courage to admit to my SO that I was having those fears and doubts and that I knew they were unfounded. I did this to prepare him for any wacked out behavior that resulted from those fears and insecurities.
I asked him to try to be patient and understanding and excuse the occassional bought of psychotic behavior. And he was. Like you we were both VERY independant and didn't need each other, in fact we still don't. We both valued that about our relationship, but the very nature of such a relationship can be a bit disconcerting. Because if you don't desperately need each other one of you could always leave, but that fear of them leaving becasue they just don't want to be with you any more goes away or you just get to a point where you don't really think about it any more.
The thing that finally got me past my insecurities was getting in touch with my gut feelings and learning to trust them. Since we had been together for three months I just had this unwavering gut feeling that this was the man for me. No matter what happened. no matter what troubles we were going through, no matter how difficult the issue, we were dealing with - and we hit a couple of BIGGIES - that feeling never once wavered. My mind freaked a couple of times but that gut feeling remained.
I looked back at my past and I studied gut feelings I'd had in the past and I realized it was always right. My feelings and my logic sometimes clouded my gut and I made bad choices, but my gut was never wrong.
To summarize wise words I just read this morning (http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2005/873.html)... If you can turn inward and find you're own inner compas and listen to it, that is your best guide. YOU are your own best guide. It can take time and patience to rediscover it but you will if you try.
I absolutely think you're on the right track, just stay the course.