New Relationship=Upset Stomache??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
New Relationship=Upset Stomache??
2
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:33pm

Hi Everyone -

Yes, you read it right! Let me give you some history. I've been involved with a man since the first week of January, and though the beginning of our relationship was tough because he was traveling so much for work & didn't have much time for me(us).Since then, things have calmed down with his traveling & he's been around more, home more (with me more), so we have had a real opportunity to spend quality time together! I think we finally started to become alittle closer, not "formal" anymore & I can really see how this relationship is going (which is great). The more time I've spent, the more great qualities I've seen in him, and find even more to like about him. We've learned so much more about eachother, like...our favorite things,our little quirks we both have etc. & it's been GREAT learning all of them too! Here's my problem....recently (For ME) things have felt really comfortable, and I've felt myself becoming really content & happy with him. Now, as with most of us, I've been really hurt before! I've been strung along with a relationship while thinking things were great while being cheated on by an ex who also traveled alot for business, I've been the "trophy girlfriend", been used for the "booty call" and I just lost faith & trust in men because of it? In 2006, I swore off men (getting serious although I eventually wanted that) but knew I wasn't gonna let anyone get tooo close to me so that I won't get hurt again. Then~along came this man! I now know I want a future with someone again, I want something real, genuine, honest & true....I know now that I want this relationship that I have - with him, but I want us to get past things & grow closer...I know he is very private about his feelings & he has trust issues from his past...but I think I need him to start to open up more, at some point soon because I've realized...I've developed true, honest feelings for him, I do believe I'm falling in love with him if I haven't already? All I know is...it's been awhile since I could see a future with someone, until now....and it's been awhile since I really wanted to try & be close again, until now....I don't want to think of losing him at this point...we've not expressed alot to eachother...he's hard to read & private too. Since I've realized this-I've been sick to my stomache!! Yep, nauseas....nervous....and yet have to keep it to myself because I know its just ME! My fears, my insecurities, and i want to get past them but don't know how. Things have happened to natural with us, nothing pushed or pressured and I don't want to start that due to my need for him to be more verbal about things? I don't need to hear "THE words"...but I do feel like I need to know more, to know I'm not alone in these feelings, of where we might be headed..or if he wants it to head somewhere/anywhere-I feel like maybe I need one step forward between us...He met ONE of my friends..Maybe I should meet his? SO I don't feel like I'm being "kept" & noone knows about me...? I don't know what I need but I know I need help to get through this without being TOO verbal too soon (I know what a mistake that can be for women)? I was always OK being single & on my own (still am) but wanting him to stay (as a part of my life) & being truly happy with him now....scares the heck out of me - so much. ANy advice would be great..Thanks in advance, Sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:01pm

All of your problems here stem from being afraid to communicate with him. Good relationships are based on good communication.

Being verbal is NOT a mistake. (when I met my husband, he and I discussed what we were looking for in a relationship within 24 hours) I don't believe for one moment that a woman can scare off Mr Perfect by discussing where the relationship is going. If you do "scare him off" by discussing what you're looking for in your relationship, then it's a clear indicator that he's not the man for you. If you look at it this way, what have you got to loose?

Also, if you're having sex with him, you owe it to your health to find out EXACTLY how he views your relationship. Quite frankly, I believe that one should discuss all this BEFORE having sex.

However, if he cannot open up and tell you what he's looking for, view it as a red flag. A man who cannot communicate easily and openly is not a good, long term prospect. Also, if he blames his baggage for not being able to communicate, it should be viewed as a dealbreaker. Why? Because it shows that he's not in a healthy place for a relationship.

Now, to address YOUR baggage :-) You know how you're frightened about being hurt again? This isn't about the men, it's about you. For example, it's unreasonable to be upset at a man for using you as a "booty call" or "trophy girlfriend" because you had the choice to say "NO!". The buck stops with you. You will get treated however you allow someone to treat you. You need to learn how move on when you see the first red flags - and TRUST yourself that you will do it when need be. When you can trust yourself to look after you, only then will you feel confident in a relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 2:05am
Just ask honey. Be honest, talk about your feeling a bit nervous because you are starting to really care for him and hope he feels the same etc., the stuff you talked about in your post (but not with all the gory details). If you are up front not only will he learn how much you like him but then you can gauge his reaction as well. By his reaction you can know whether or not he is a keeper or what you can expect later on in the relationship if you decide to stay.