newlywed trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
newlywed trust
13
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:48am

I'm a guy who has been married for 7 months. My wife has a guy she has been great friends with since she her first year of college when she was 18. He lives 2500 miles away and the friendship never bothered me. (I recently found out after we were married that they slept together on several occassions when they were in college and once after college but even this was a couple years before we dated)) He often sends my wife cd's,and occassionally calls and semds emails. Well about 10 days before we got married, this guy was in town so we met up with him and a bunch of his friends. My seemed to glow in his presence and to be infatiuated by him, which kind of bothered me but I let it go. Anyway, I am looking through my wife's Yahoo email account for her frequent flier number the other day (now about 7 months after we were married) and I see an email she sent this guy after he was in town approx 7 months ago and only 10 days before we got married, and en exerpt reads: "it was so so so good to see you this weekend. I hope
your flight home was mild. It was so good to see you. you are such a special person to me. I cherish the time we have spent together both clothed and naked. Seeing you brought back some good memories. we have quite a few from 11-plus years."

This really disturbed me. I told my wife I think her relationship with this guy is not appropriate since she blatantly says "I love you" to him when they end phone conevrsations when I am around, etc. She told me she regrets sleeping with him when I confronted her her this weekend............ (contrary to what her email said 7 months ago) I have not told her I saw the email. I think she is still into this guy. I am realy distraught here. Any women with advice would be appreciated. I am hoping it was just the pre-wedding jitters or something........... Thanks!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:04pm

You need to come clean about reading her email, and she needs to come clean about what the HECK she meant by the "clothed and naked" comment!!!

I'm a strong proponent of opposite gender platonic friendships, but that seems to cross the line.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:25pm

Robinson,

I understand exactly how you feel and why your wife's behavior and relationship with her friend disturbs you. I faced a similar issue in my former marriage (on the part of my XH having an inappropriate "friendship" with a female colleague).

I think your best bet is to gently and lovingly tell her how you feel and how hurtful it is to you. Try to speak more from your heart than your head. Use words that will convey your feelings without inflaming the situation. It may help to personalize it by asking her how she'd feel if you had an on-going friendship with another woman you'd known before you met her, if the woman was continuing to call you, sending you gifts/e-mails, and you said "I love you" at the end of phone calls with her. I'm pretty sure your wife wouldn't be too crazy about it.

Personalizing it will hopefully allow her to see the situation from your perspective and then do the right thing. You are her husband and therefore, you come first. While you cannot make her give up her friendships with others (whether male or female), if she is bent on continuing the friendship, I think the least she should do is not talk about him around you.

Good luck...

Heymum

*typo correction




Edited 8/23/2005 12:27 pm ET ET by heymum
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:09pm

Huh, that's interesting...I personally would be MUCH more suspicious of a friendship where my SO wouldn't discuss the friendship with me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:11pm

Well as far as the trust thing goes and dealing with those feelings that takes time and a lot of open and honest discussion. I've been through trust issues with my fiance and I know it's hard, but it can be dealt with as long as you ultimately feel she loves you and wants to be with you in spite of the fears your brain is sending running through your system.

As far as the "evidence" you've mentioned, I would try not to make too much of it. All of it is EASILY explained away with logic. She says she loves him when she hangs up the phone. It's probably just an old habit from whenthey dated or even something she accidentally says becasue she says it when she hangs up the phone with you. The other day at work I almost told a vendor "I love you" before I hung up, becasue I say it before I hang up with ny fiance and my family and a couple of my closer friends.

It doesn't change the fact there is only one man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

The email wouldn't still be there excpet she probbaly totally forgot about it and isnt in the hbbit of dumping old emails. The fact she didn't bother to delete it or hide it should be an indication of just how trivial it really is. Besides that she's just reflecting foundly on things that happened in the PAST.

I have two ex-boyfriends I remember quiet foundly and would still be friends with had jelaous new girlfriends not stood in the way. I loved them both and apart of me always will. That in no way deminishes or reflects poorly on my fiance or mean that I would rather be with either of them.

I have a feeling your wife feels the very same way about her ex. Sure she should have come clean about the nature of the realtionship sooner or have kept it to herself forever , but that's not what happened and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

After all you are the man she married he's NOT.

Talk to her and work through your feelings. It may take a couple of talks and it may take months before those feelings of insecurity and fear begin to fade, but they can and they will if you just remind yourself of how illogical and unfounded they really are instead of searching for "evidence" that gives credence to your fear.

Trust I've been there and done that. I was REALLY insecure over this one female friend of my fiance's. It took over a year for me to work through it completely and he had to be REALLY understanding and patient and let me talk it all out. But I can honsetly say that I don't even think about it any more let alone worry about it or get stressed about it. You can do the same thing, but you have to focus on the positive and what really makes sense instead of focusing on your fear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:53pm

I am a woman, and her actions are highly inappropriate!!

As your wife, she shouldn't even be in contact with any former friends that she was sexually involved in....NO WAY JOSE!!

As the man of the house dude, you need to put your foot down and say "hey Im not going to tolerate this type of friendship." TELL HER ABOUT THE EMAIL!! She gave you her password, so anything you read in the email is open for discussion. She may get mad at you for reading something you weren't suppose to read, but TOO BAD...she is in the wrong.

Telling him "she loves him and enjoys all the time they spent naked and clothed??!!" HELL NO!!!

To think of divorce is wayyyy tooo soon. Talk to her and tell her that you read the email, and her behavior is inappropriate and you do not like it. Any real woman/wife would totally see where you are coming from and apologize and cut off all contact immediatly with this guy. Write one final email...if he is her true friend, he'll understand.

I've been there. I cut off all ex boyfriends and former flames that I was intimately involved in when I got into a serious relationship (engaged/married). This is not something any man should have to request from his wife, it should automatically be done. If she can't comply or understand where you are coming from, then you should seek counseling and then if that doesn't work....DIVORCE.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:19pm

Oh, my goodness, I could not disagree more!!!!

I have a number of close male friends, including some exes, and I'm not going to drop them from my life because I'm involved with someone else. If my SO doesn't trust me to have a strictly platonic friendship with these men, then we shouldn't be together. My good character and integrity speak for themselves, I don't need to get rid of my friends in order to show it!

Now, as I responded to the OP, I think in THIS case she crossed the line, but that does NOT mean that men and women who are exes cannot be platonic friends!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:42pm

If you had sex with any of these so called "friends" its your DUTY to drop them once you enter a serious relationship!!

Why leave any room for "temptation"?

And not just that - its the principle of the matter. You dont stay friends with people you had sex with!!

If these are REAL MALE FRIENDS they would understand you cutting them off. No guy wants his girl still being friends with some dude who was sexin her years before he was!!

So we are clear, cut off the ones you had sex with ONLY.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:45pm

ITA.

However, in my former marriage, my XH was abusive and LIKED talking about his friendship with a certain married female colleague at his job. At first, hearing him talk about her didn't bother me. I met her sometime before at a luncheon and didn't feel like she posed any threat. But when he began talking about her more and more, even to the point of telling me how she discussed her SEX LIFE with him, that's where I drew the line. He insisted that he was not attracted to her, blah, blah. To shut him up, I finally had to tell him not to mention her ever again in my presence. Again, he was abusive so talking about her was a sick way of not only hurting me but exerting control over me by continuing to throw her and their "friendship" in my face.

He backed off for a while, then after several months, brought her up again. I countered by posing a hypothetical situation where I went back to work at a large law firm, striking up a friendship with a male atty. that would be just like the one he had with her. I said, "You'd have absolutely no problem with it and it would be cool, right?" Suddenly he stammered and said, "Uh, uh, no, it wouldn't be. I'd definitely have a problem with it." To which I replied, "Exactly! Of course you'd have a problem with it, and now you understand WHY I have such a problem with what you have with her!" And like the AH he still is today, he stood there and defended his right to have friendships with whomever he chose, male or female. I knew then that he had crossed a line and even if he had never slept with her, what they had was tantamount to EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY.

And it's one of the many reasons why I am happily divorced today.

Heymum

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:59pm

Sorry, but again, I disagree.

I can resist the "temptation", thank you very much (not that there is any but if there were). That's where the character, integrity and trust come in that I mentioned in my previous post.

If a guy has a problem with that, then he's not for me. I've found that men who have good self-esteem have no issues with it, personally.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 5:02pm

Reading this, I get the impression it was the ex's poor character and the nature of the friendship was the problem, not the fact that he discussed it, exactly, am I right?

If it was a true platonic friendship and your ex had been a trustworthy person of good character, would you have had a problem hearing about it?

Sheri

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