newlywed trust
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| Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:48am |
I'm a guy who has been married for 7 months. My wife has a guy she has been great friends with since she her first year of college when she was 18. He lives 2500 miles away and the friendship never bothered me. (I recently found out after we were married that they slept together on several occassions when they were in college and once after college but even this was a couple years before we dated)) He often sends my wife cd's,and occassionally calls and semds emails. Well about 10 days before we got married, this guy was in town so we met up with him and a bunch of his friends. My seemed to glow in his presence and to be infatiuated by him, which kind of bothered me but I let it go. Anyway, I am looking through my wife's Yahoo email account for her frequent flier number the other day (now about 7 months after we were married) and I see an email she sent this guy after he was in town approx 7 months ago and only 10 days before we got married, and en exerpt reads: "it was so so so good to see you this weekend. I hope
your flight home was mild. It was so good to see you. you are such a special person to me. I cherish the time we have spent together both clothed and naked. Seeing you brought back some good memories. we have quite a few from 11-plus years."
This really disturbed me. I told my wife I think her relationship with this guy is not appropriate since she blatantly says "I love you" to him when they end phone conevrsations when I am around, etc. She told me she regrets sleeping with him when I confronted her her this weekend............ (contrary to what her email said 7 months ago) I have not told her I saw the email. I think she is still into this guy. I am realy distraught here. Any women with advice would be appreciated. I am hoping it was just the pre-wedding jitters or something........... Thanks!

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Sheri,
You hit the nail right on the head. I didn't have a problem with him talking about her initially. It was when he began talking about her sex life, which I thought was highly inappropriate. I think because I didn't get bent out of shape when he first began talking about her, he stepped it up to the point of really rubbing the situation in my face. He knew it hurt me and didn't care.
Had he been of a sound and upright character, and their friendship was strictly platonic, it wouldn't have been a problem.
While we're on this subject, I do have a few male friends from back in the day whom I keep in semi-regular touch with. When they married, I made it a point to be on good terms with their wives as well. So whenever I call to play catch-up and Marci or Lois answer the phone, I chat with them for a while before chatting with their hubbys. In fact, Marci and I have gotten on so well that she's the one who has said, "Okay, now I know you didn't call just to talk to me. Let me get him on the phone..." They know I have honorable intentions and have nothing but love for them and their families.
I agree with you in your comments to the other poster. When one is honest, has a good heart and is attentive to his/her SO, other friends shouldn't pose a problem.
Heymum
Exactly! I am always respectful and friendly with the SOs of my male friends, and have become friends with some of them as well.
Sheri
I totally agree Sheri, the issue is rarely really the friends it's usually the fear, insecurity, and instability in the relationship that is the REAL issue. When two people love and trust each other having friends of the opposite sex or remaining friends with a an ex isn't an issue.
It may take time and some work on ourselves to let go of our fears and learn to trust but if we have those issues we owe it to ourselves to work on them rather then searching for fault in our loved ones.
Speaking from experience, it's well worth the effort. It took me a long time to address my insecurities and my fears regarding Pete's female friend, but it was MY issue to deal with not his. He had done nothing wrong, the only thing wrong with the situation was me allowing my fear and insecurity to create a problem and wrong doing where none exisited.
I talked to him and he was supportive and understanding. We worked out what I personnaly needed from him to help me overcome these fears and insecurities and together over the course of about a year I got past it. Now he can be friends with whoever he wants and it doesn't bother me one bit.
It took time, but I did it and the only reason I could was because I admitted the problem, in my situation, wasn't him it was me.
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