no affection

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
no affection
6
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 1:03pm

the start of our relationship was great. three months into it, i noticed that he seemed a little distant, emotionally. the kisses stop, no affection and when having sex if felt very impersonal. my first thought was that there is someone else. but i have no indications of that and we are together seven days a week. we talked about the issue and he told me that he pulled back because of fear. afraid of being hurt again. i understand that but we had that talk in May. we've had other talks about it again, several times, but it is now going into December and things have not changed. we haven't kissed since May. we only do the hello and goodbye peck on the lips. he has never said, "i love you" he never touches me outside of bed. we never hug outside of bed or cuddle while watching tv. no affection at all. while having sex we don't look at each other, we don't kiss, etc. I feel like it is just for him to release himself. And with all of this, he is suggesting that we live together. Well that i'm not doing but.... I've asked him to seek counseling and he feels he does not need it. I've asked for us to seek counseling and again, he doesn't think we need to.

At this point, i dont know what to do because i can't spend the rest of my life not being touched, kissed, no affection, not feeling desired, impersonal sex, etc.

any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
In reply to: amor39
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 1:27pm
I think he likes you but now you have to decide if you like him, if you can live with zero affection. That appears to be his personality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
In reply to: amor39
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 1:53pm
Usually when that is someone's personality they say, "i'm just not an affectionate person" not once has he told me that. He tells me that he is afraid to be hurt again. and that he has feeling for me, what to show it but its like something is stopping him, he said.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: amor39
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 2:06pm

Well, if he's not willing to do anything to address the issues that are causing him to not be affectionate, then nothing's going to change, is it?

So, you have 3 choices: accept him as is, stay in the relationship and be unhappy, or move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: amor39
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:05pm

Any suggestions?

Move on and find someone who gives you the affection you deserve. For whatever reason, this guy is holding back and obviously has no intentions of changing. You'll stay disappointed for as long as you are together.

He may be carrying baggage, but this doesn't mean that you have to accept it.




Edited 11/7/2005 6:07 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
In reply to: amor39
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 5:35pm

when a guy stops giving his girl affection, its usually because he is no longer romantically attracted to her. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you for who you are, or that he doesnt find you physically attractive...but he no longer finds you sexually and romantically attractive.

In other words, he is starting to see you as just a friend.

Your best bet is to call it off, and force him to be without you. This will allow him the opportunity to miss you, and to WANT you again. Although honestly, I don't think I would want to be with someone who apparently had such a hard time holding onto their romantic attraction towards me.

whatever BS reasons he is giving you to the contrary probably don't make much sense...but then, why would they? Their BS.




Edited 11/11/2005 5:45 pm ET by charles22
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: amor39
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 8:32pm
I was dating a man for a year and a half who wasn't very sexual towards me, I always had to intiate and sometimes he just didn't want to have sex period, he also wasn't very affectionate either or emotionally available. Talk about many big issues! I stayed because I really loved him but I think our love was more of a friendly love. I'm still not sure to this very day why he with held physical contact and a lot of emotional contact. I think it was because he was just not happy with me and he was very closed off and had some internal issues. He never really was that affectionate towards me from the beginning. Trust me, no matter how much fun you guys have or how much friendly love that you have towards each other you just won't be happy without the affection or physical. I tried to hang on to this guy for way longer than I should have and it only led me to feel undesirable, distant and unloved. It was one of the toughest choices I had to make in my life to leave but I left because what did I have except a good friendship, not a lover.