No idea what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
No idea what to do!
10
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 4:33am
Alright, I am in school & I met this great guy. We have been friends for the past 4 months & the chemistry is just amazing. I had a big crush on him & he said he needed to concentrate on school, so nothing happened. But right after finals we had sex. I came back to town & we had sex again, after agreeing to keep it casual. Then he text messages me (!) that he had sex w/ someone else the other day (after we did) when visiting his family. I told him I can't do this, because I have feelings for him. The problem is, I really REALLY care about this guy. He's the first person in years (I'm in grad school) that I've actually had feelings about. And he's never said why he won't date me. I know he & his very serious ex broke up a year ago and he's not over her. But my question is, 1) what should I do about this? Anything besides just tell him that I really do want to date him & if he can't I still want to be friends (which I do) and 2) Is it my issue or his? I'm not clingy, I'm smart, cute, funny, etc. By all terms a 'good catch' and I haven't met someone who I really feel that spark with. We can talk for hours about anything. I'm just really hurt. He was up front w/ me about wanting to casual & I got in over my head (unintentionally). What shoudl I do? How can I get over this?? It's been so long since I've actually been emotionally vested in a bf (and he wasn't even a bf!) that I don't know what to do anymore. And the unreturned feelings are killing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 4:36am
Oh, and I forgot to mention, he said he loved me in bed, then got freaked out & then I heard from him that he slept with the other person (old fling). So could he have just gotten freaked out & bolted? Or am I completely delusional?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:57am

tomato256...

Pianoguy read both of your responses and came to the same conclusion:

If you're REALLY "smart, cute, funny" and "a good catch"----why would you want to share yourself with a man who merely uses you (and other women) as a dishtowel??

Becoming "emotional vested" with anybody goes beyond a great night of S-E-X. Simply because most of us would like to happily begin a new day with the partner we're with. Perhaps this is the reason we're willing to accept him (or her) "warts and all?"

Pianoguy (who probably sounds like a "hopeless romantic" today?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:28am

His not being over his ex says nothing about you. That is, it's his issue. He's not yet ready to appreciate a wonderful girl with all the qualities that you have.

Rather than wait for him (which could be a long time, no one knows), I would move on. If you want an emotionally-available boyfriend, then you need to cut off ties early on with those who clearly aren't emotionally-available. Otherwise, an emotionally-available guy will be into you, but you will miss it because you are focsed on this other guy, who in turn is still focused on his ex!

So, I'd stop having sex with this guy and tell him to contact you when he is ready for a relationship. Then, I start focusing on all the other wonderful guys in your area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 12:50pm

<< I'm just really hurt. He was up front w/ me about wanting to casual & I got in over my head (unintentionally). What shoudl I do? >>

This is a tough "lesson" to learn, but once learned, much less likely to be repeated.

Recognizing that he was up front about wanting it to be casual, it's up to you to accept that the resulting hurt was NOT a result of anything he did, but ... what you allowed, which allowed you to get hurt.

That said, while no one likes feeling hurt, there's a lot of opportunity for growth here. Feeling hurt can keep you stuck in that pain, or it can be an opportunity to learn something from WHY you're feeling hurt, and allow you to move beyond it and not repeat it again later.

<< And he's never said why he won't date me. I know he & his very serious ex broke up a year ago and he's not over her. >>

The "why" is probably because he's not over his ex and therefore, isn't prepared for a relationship.

Secondly, he knew that he didn't have to "date you" to have sex with you. So, that's your lesson to learn and take responsibility for.

If what you know about you is that you are not equipped to deal with the feelings that result from having sex with someone, without being in a relationship, then ... in the future, you choose to not go that route and choose to only have sex with a guy when you know that he is on the same page with you. However, you knew that he wasn't in a dating or relationship mindset ... but, if you choose to ignore that by hoping that a sexual relationship would evolve to dating and/or a "more than sex" relationship, that too was your choice.

So, my advice on "what to do" is take responsiblity for the hurt, now that you've learned this about you ... and you won't feel hurt this way again in the future.

As for what to do about him, stay friends (if you want to) ... but recognize that it's hard to be "just friends" with someone you have feelings for who doesn't want the same thing ... and be willing to walk away from the friendship. Otherwise, you might just continue feeling hurt about the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 3:36pm
Thanks for all your responses. The thing is, I've been in relationships before w/o feeling much for the other person, including having sex w/ them & not really feeling much about it. The problem is for the first time since I was 18 (I'm 25 now), I really care for this guy. Like I can see myself w/ him type of caring. So I just don't know how to get over it since he obviously doesn't feel the same way. So any additional comments, suggestions on how to get over him are very much appreciated!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:15pm
The truth is, you can't be friends with him. Point blank. It NEVER EVER works. You should just cut him off unless he says there's a future for you two. Hope I helped!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:44pm

That's tough, but he has made his position clear. You need to respect and accept that. I think others have said this, but to me it seems that the best that can come out of this is for you to draw lessons for the future. I was recently involved with someone whose primary interest was sex and just didn't have the capacity for anything deeper. At first I thought I could somehow turn him around, but eventually I realized that I was selling myself short. It sounds like you want a boyfriend and a healthy relationship, and he doesn't. You deserve what you want so don't pine for someone who has pretty much made it clear to you that he won't give you what you want.

I know that I'm not a person who can have sex and not get attached. It took an experience such as yours to learn this. Now I know that the repercussions can be so painful that I would never put myself through that again.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 7:30pm

In case anyone wants an update...he asked me to coffee & kept saying that it's him, not me, there's nothing wrong w/ me, etc. The kicker? He flat out denied saying that he loved me in bed (I do not hallucinate). He just said he never said that. And I feel like someone who can't be honest about their own actions isn't worth my time. I feel SO much better! Honestly, I can't believe that he would lie to my face about what he said. So I feel like maybe that was the closure that I needed.

Thanks for all your advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:28pm

<< He flat out denied saying that he loved me in bed (I do not hallucinate). He just said he never said that. And I feel like someone who can't be honest about their own actions isn't worth my time.>>

Had he been drinking prior to his saying this in bed? If so, that could explain it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:58pm
No drinking - we had seen a movie earlier (Cassanova, his idea). The whole 'I love you' thing just bothered me the most, even though I never mentioned it to him. And he was trying to pass it off like it was my fault and I was the one acting strangely. I just can't deal with the fact that he's not honest with himself, or with me. Granted, things change and tomorrow I will probably feel worse, but for right now I feel at least slightly better that he is a liar.