no physical attraction...but...
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| Wed, 04-26-2006 - 1:54pm |
Ok so I met a guy at work OVER THE PHONE. We had been speaking for months on a professional level and about 2 weeks ago he finally got the nerve up to ask for my number.
After emailing him from my home account I finally decided to give it to him. We spoke for two weeks and I loved every minute of it. I adore this man. He is kind and sweet and strong and a single dad who has raised his two children after a nasty divorce.
Finally we met face to face. I arranged for dinner at a very romantic italian restaurant in which he paid of course. He arrived with a gift of 3 dvd's that I had mentioned was on my "to buy" list during a conversation. I mean this guy is great!! But...
I am not physically attracted to him a bit. What do I do? Do I assume that such attraction will come with time being as I am nuts about him??
Please ladies, help me!! I hate to sound shallow but I've never tried to be with a man who I didn't have some kind of attraction too.
I am crazy about him...what do I do?? Just how important is physical attraction anyways??

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That, to me, is the difference between friends and lovers (physical attraction). I personally can't imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone I didn't feel physical attraction for. For me, at least, it's a crucial component.
I've personally never experienced a situation where I became attracted to someone over time, but I have certainly heard of it happening enough times that I wouldn't count it out. Why not give it a few more dates, and see what happens? If nothing does, then you need to be honest with him and let him know you see him as a platonic friend only (don't string him along, in other words).
Sheri
Yesss i totally agree, funny thing is...i am attracted to HIM. But not to his looks. His voice drives me crazy and the way he talks to me totally makes me attracted to him in a more than platonic way...that is why i am wondering if i put down the barriers to what i consider "attractive" would i then be able to find myself physically attractive.
It did happen to me once before. With an ex boyfriends friend. I was never attracted to him in the least until about 1 year of becoming very close and spending time together. So I know it is possible.
Also this person is 43 (I am 35) and I usually date younger men. I'm not used to older gentlmen. I have some preconceived notions about looks that I am definitly stuck on. The guy aint hideous or anything but he is balding and he is not traditionally what I am attracted to. (Being an irish white guy, i usually like latino and italian men, darker men.)
What do u think about that?? I won't lead him on but i really enjoy talking to him...oh one other thing you can advise me on:
He hasn't dated since his divorce and was married for 18 years. He is in desperate need of a make over...I am very fashionable and dress to the nines and this wonderful sweet man shows up in 1980's jeans and a old black turtle neck. Certainly he doesn't know any better but honestly the attraction could be there if I could give him a little mini make over...how do I without him thinking I'm already trying to change him??
I'm talking clothing for pete's sakes not anything about him, he is almost perfect!!
My girlfriend suggested we go have lunch at a mall one day and then I should nonchallantly start window shopping eventually working him over in some new duds. Anybody think that is ok or a good idea??
Well, I can only speak for myself...but I would be *totally* turned off by a guy trying to make me over. How one dresses IS part of who they are. He's showing you that he doesn't care about that kind of stuff.
You need to be able to accept him as is, IMO. If the two of you do become an item and you want to jazz up his wardrobe by buying things for him, great but you need to be ok with him even if he never changes.
As for the other, my original advice stands...go out with him a few more times and see what happens.
Sheri
Well I would agree with you if that was a "style" for instance if he were a conservative dresser and I preferred an urban look I would totally agree that this would be trying to change him.
But again...the poor guy has NO fashion sense. He grabbed what was in his closet because he hasn't had any reason to update his look. I think he is a wonderful person but again I would love to have some amount of physical attraction and to see him in a nice contemporary pair of jeans and a button down could do wonders and open up the door to the next level.
I'm sticking to my plan and going to give it a try.
But thanks.
Did he TELL you that? If not, that's an awfully big assumption on your part.
But good luck in any event!
Sheri
Nope he doesn't have too. Poor guy has been divorced for 4 years concentrating soley on raising his two teens himself. I'm a woman with excellent intuition and its a no brainer not an assumption.
Thanks for the 2 cents but my bigger dilema is not letting this guy slip away because of physical attraction. A little mini makeover is just what may do the trick.
Thanks!
Everything is Everything
-Jen
One other thing as to your response "He's showing you that he doesn't care about that kind of stuff." is way off. The guy works out like maniac and is constantly watching is diet. He is a total freak about watching his weight and not gaining any extra weight and he also is on an endless goal of getting abs. So he very much cares about his looks. He knows I'm very into style and fashion and I think he would get into it too with the right guidance.
-Jen
Well, you obviously know him better than I do (since I don't know him at all ;-)!!), but I have found that as a rule, people act in accordance with their priorities, values, etc. So he may well prioritize physical health and his body, but it doesn't necessarily follow that he prioritizes his clothes (or wants to). Presumably he was trying to put his best foot forward for your first meet...so if it were important to him to dress well, then why wouldn't he have?
But it's neither here nor there...as I said, I don't know him, you do...it's just an observation about human behavior that I've found useful over the years.
Let us know how it goes, in any event!
Sheri
Oh I kno and I'm so sure he did put his best foot forward but if he DOESNT' own any updated clothing than that was THE BEST he could do. Oh he'd look ten times better in the right colors and fit.
He is dynomite and I must give this thing a shot. He's also a Libra and I am very capatable romantically with Libras so we'll see what happens. He is coming to my sons game on Sat so we'll see how it goes between him and the kids.
He is a real great guy. I will def keep everyone posted...Thanks!
-Jen
I'd say, give it a shot, leave the clothes alone for a bit. I say that because when I first started dating my DF, I dressed very casually compared to him. His dressing casually was silk Tommy Bahama shorts and a silk button up shirt. Mine was jean shorts and a tank top. Over time though, his wardrobe has come down a notch to khaki cargo shorts and golf shirts, and mine has upped to nicer shorts and nicer t-shirts.
Also, I noticed I ask him for his "style" opinion more and I want to dress a bit more stylish. Still classic pieces, but more stylish. So overtime, my wardrobe has grown to incorporate nicer things. His has become more casual. And now, we dress about the same.......both decent, nice. Sometimes trendy, but usually, a nice casual style.
My point...maybe, since he's into his keeping fit, if he starts dating you, a younger more hip woman, he'll want to dress a bit more up and up. not saying he'll be all trendy (which is usually a turn off in a 40 year old man anyways), but more clean, nicer, more today....even if is still casual. kwim?
just don't push him. just see where it goes. I think I was changing up my ultra casual wardrobe within a few months, with just a few nicer pieces here and there so I didn't feel like an ultra slob, or "out of it".
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