no physical attraction...but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
no physical attraction...but...
18
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 1:54pm

Ok so I met a guy at work OVER THE PHONE. We had been speaking for months on a professional level and about 2 weeks ago he finally got the nerve up to ask for my number.

After emailing him from my home account I finally decided to give it to him. We spoke for two weeks and I loved every minute of it. I adore this man. He is kind and sweet and strong and a single dad who has raised his two children after a nasty divorce.

Finally we met face to face. I arranged for dinner at a very romantic italian restaurant in which he paid of course. He arrived with a gift of 3 dvd's that I had mentioned was on my "to buy" list during a conversation. I mean this guy is great!! But...

I am not physically attracted to him a bit. What do I do? Do I assume that such attraction will come with time being as I am nuts about him??

Please ladies, help me!! I hate to sound shallow but I've never tried to be with a man who I didn't have some kind of attraction too.

I am crazy about him...what do I do?? Just how important is physical attraction anyways??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:47pm

Oh i think thats great advice. I don't want him to be "trendy" either. Just can imagine him in a nice sky blue button down (to compliment his blue eyes) and some khakis. Not faded '80's jeans that are REALLY from the 80's lol bless his heart.

I think I'll stick to my plan but you are right i certainly would never be cruel and make him feel self conscious by boldy telling him he needs new clothes.

I feel so damn shallow but my friends and I dress pretty nicely and love to go dancing (were all spanish so we do a lot of salsa and merengue) and I gotta be honest...i would be mortified if the group were going out to a spanish dance club and he had dressed like that!!

but i will take it slow, definitly is worth a shot...i REALLY like him.

Thanks!!!

-Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 1:18pm

Hi Jerszyjen:

Sticker shock is quite an adjustment! Women are disadvantaged in some ways when it comes to online, phone, or email contact because we actually do bond quite well. But, when the physical package appears--that lovely soul we thought we were in love with is housed within.

If you are not very picky about looks, give this one time and see if you can warm up. John Gray says we women are like ovens and warm up slowly, and, in fact, an immediate physical attraction for a woman is not a healthy sign for the future.

So, hang in there with your guy for a few dates. If you believe you will NEVER EVER be able to be attracted to him, then give him the "just friends" talk. Hope it works out for you!

beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 1:40pm

I LOVED this advice. Matter of fact, an older female co-worker just gave me similar advice. I am indeed going to take it. I truly enjoy his pure and innocent soul.

I can develope a physical attraction as we go along becuase I am truly attracted to who HE is.

Thanks beyondmeasure and to the rest of you, you all had important points that hit home.

He comes over for the second time tomorrow and to see my sons baseball game. Keep your fingers crossed that he looks a little better each time that we meet lol.

-Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:08pm

Hi Jerzyjen:

I think you are a terrifically special woman, who is willing to give a great guy a reasonable chance!

You should come out to the marsvenus site--I think you could help a lot of women on that board!

beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:55pm
You are a great woman for giving a great guy a shot. I wish I could be that way with this guy who has a beautiful soul really that I know who adores me for who I am and doesn't appear to be the type to let me down or hurt me as so many other men have done in the past. I am not attracted to him really at all but I really love his personality. He does have nice eyes though. He is insanely skinny and his apartment is pretty dirty which is a big turn off for me but other than that he's just a great guy overall. I wish with my soul of all souls that I could be attracted to him but I'm just not at this point in time. I think it might be a combination of me just having a ton going on in my life and not quite ready to give to another person and needing some closure on certain issues but I don't think I would be attracted to him anyway even without all that but he agreed to be friends with me still even though he knows that I only think of him as a friend and always is contacting me to see how I am because I'm going through a tough time now. Very sweet guy. I wish I could do what your doing but maybe it's not quite time for me yet for that. I'm crossing my fingers that the attraction for this guy will come naturally because I can't or don't want to force it. Ok, enough of my stuff. I wish you luck with this man, keep us posted and I hope to hear a happy ending, he sounds wonderful.
Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 4:43am
I have, in a couple of situations, become physically attracted to someone over time. Including with my present boyfriend. It can happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:31am

I'm so glad to hear that. Can you tell me your story? I mean was there ANYTHING in the beginning.

Just to update everyone, I did see him again Sat. And he arrived with a DVD/VCR combination player. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He also bought us ANOTHER movie. (He had bought me a gift last week on our first date of 3 dvd's that had been on my list to get).

He is sooo sweet, he sat through 5 hours of a double header that my son played in and then came back to my house for dinner and we watched a movie on my new dvd/vcr player.

Ok so the kids were like "mommy, whats the problem? He aint a bad lookin guy". So I'm like "I guess your right, so why the f- aint I attracted to him!!?"

I wuzn't girls. It was nothing. I pecked him on the cheek goodbye because I had no desire to give him a passionate kiss.

Now I miss him. I once again love talkin to him on the fone and get all excited when he is calling!! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm a whacked outta my head or sumthing?

I do not want to hurt him or lead him on...but I really like him...til I see him. WTF????

Going bananas here...give me your wisdom ladies.

Thanks.

-Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:44pm
The only thing I can think of here is maybe you have some fear of getting close to him. I think I have some fear of getting close to a man and if he is totally available to me I get scared to a certain degree, but I think when I do meet someone good that I'm attracted to I'm going to have to get over that fear and be uncomfortable if I want a healthy relationship. This is a tough one, I know that you can't force that internal fear to go away sometimes, but I think if you are attracted to him in a way and you get excited about talking to him then I think you must be attracted in some sort of way, shape or form and you may have to just try to give him that kiss and see how it goes even if you don't feel the burning desire because it could be the fear of intimacy talking. Make sense? I've done a lot of soul-searching in these past few months of being single and I do have a fear of getting too close to someone but I think we all do to a certain degree, but sometimes we have to truck on and just go with it even through the discomfort to gain happiness and a good relationship.

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