Normal relationship timing??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Normal relationship timing??
10
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:52pm

I'm in what I think is a relationship...we've been dating two months now...though we have never had the actual "relationship talk" (I have met many of his friends and his sister) but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sounds sad but I constantly wonder when he is going to want to end it. I'm sure this is baggage from past relationships. For example...we spent Wednesday (my b-day), Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night together and ran a race Sunday morning. He dropped me off at about 12:30 pm and headed off to do some work. I did not hear from him yesterday evening and have not heard anything today...when should I hear from him??? I'm sitting here wondering how long to wait before it is a sign that "he is just not that into me." I really want him to be the one to call or email since I am leary of sufficating him...do I wait? Is it sufficating to call him tonight to see how he is? I'm very confused as to how much is too much...I'm not sure how to tell if it is merely getting air or when it is a sign...I'm a bit of a planner and if I know I'll see him say Wednesday I'm fine but these lag times when I'm left wondering when I will hear from him confuse me. HELP!!!!!!

Thanks for any responses or advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:18pm
I dated a guy like that once and it was awful. I liked him so much!!! It's like when he left I was like damn it I hope I see him soon. The lag time was dreadful epsecially since we weren't official I felt that he could be with someone else when not with me and it drove me crazy!!!!! Anyhow, you have to stick it out since you're not official. Have you called him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:29pm
I haven't called. I don't want to appear needy...after all, I did just see him yesterday. I was considering maybe calling or emailing tomorrow. I just can't get on board with this live in the moment or enjoy the roller coaster...I know even when you are with someone you need your own space...I just am not sure if I should tell him that's great have your space just tell me that is what you want...I hate playing the be coy and busy game. Did it work out with the guy you were seeing??
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:53pm

Yes, I would wait for him to call you. You just spent HOW many nights in a row together and you're freaking out about 24 hours???

Yes, calling to see how he is so soon would be suffocating, at least it would be to me! Let the guy have some breathing space!

If he hasn't called by Wednesday to set something up for the weekend, then you can start freaking out ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:04pm

Question I have is, why do you need the validation of hearing from him everyday in order to determine if he's "into you" or not? He spent 4 days with you! Do you think he would have spent all that time with you if he didn't want to?

Let it breathe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:04pm
I didn't realize you saw him yesterday...lol sorry about that. So no don't call him yet! As far as me and the guy...it didn't work out because it turns out he had a girlfriend for 2.5 years and was cheating on her with me! Down the road we hung out again. Actually in July of this summer and he told me that he loved me and blah blah blah, It's so what I wanted to hear! Anyhow, my stories are always disastrous so chances are he will call later tonight ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:47pm
I know I should validate myself...It is more the pressures I feel when I start down this path of being with someone else that I begin to get lost...begin to worry and stress. He is amazing and I really like how he influences me to be better without actually meaning to do it. I know we spent quite a few days together and, in reality, I am freaking out for probably no reason and am being rather...well...silly...I guess I just want to read the sign post ahead before I smack head first into it if he is having a change of heart...we kind of started into this at a rapid pace and spending many nights in a row together so the gap in contact is more blarring and makes me nervous. I appreciate your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:49pm
Yeah...I hope you are right. We just went into this seeing each other quite a bit and the gap seems more blaring when you are used to hearing from someone almost everyday...I just am trying to not get hurt and may actually be hurting myself more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:53pm
So I know I must sound nutty. It is just we have spent so much time together from the start a lull is noticable...whether it is a lull that we are getting used to each other or a lull that he is getting uninterested. Plus I feel pressure to set something up since his birthday is this weekend...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 6:06pm

i'm a planner too!! it drives me CRAZY when i don't know what the plan is. resist the urge to call. once you're official, you can sit him down and have a conversation about this. for now, there are a couple of things you can do:

first, start making plans with other friends or join a club or something. it will help take your mind off him, for one thing. it will also make you a little less available to him. not in a game-playing way, but in a healthy well-rounded way. if you've got a nice full schedule, he will realize soon enough that he needs to plan things in advance to make sure you'll be available.

second, next time he's dropping you off, try to make plans for when you'll see him next. just say something like, "what's you schedule like this week?" my BF and I don't see each other every day, but we always set up a loose plan for the next time we'll get together. we have to, because we both have other social obligations outside the relationship. and this way i always know what to expect, so i can stop obsessing about it.

if you do these things and he still seems resistant to planning in advance, then you might start to worry about "just not into you." you could bring it up with him directly at that point. you don't want to sound clingy or needy though. it's better to be like "i need us to plan dates in advance because i'm having trouble scheduling everything into my busy exciting life," rather than "i need us to plan dates in advance because i get scared that you don't like me anymore..." see what i mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:23am
........awesome advice. it's a bit hard at first. how can you not want to spend time with the someone you're in love with? but it's all about self preservation. a hobby, social club, even the gym...whatever it takes to keep the mind off that person.