Not Sure How I Feel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Not Sure How I Feel
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 1:53am


I've posted on a couple other boards about my bf and I but usually about his family and merging our cultures (Pakistani and Chinese/Italian) but I guess there's some other stuff that's been stressing our relationship lately and I just wanted some opinions/a place to let it out.

We've been together almost 3.5 years now, I'm 24 he's 25 and we're both each other's first gf/bf. Last year we moved in together which we both agree probably happened too quickly. From the start he has said he loved me...literally 3 weeks in he was claiming this...took me awhile longer (months really) but eventually I returned the sentiments. Though now I'm not so sure. I don't know what my feelings are - how can I when I've never been in a situation like this before? And how is he so sure about how he feels?

He constantly tells me he loves me and knows that I love him and claims that I just don't know this yet. He says he will always love me and would forgive anything that I do. He is a great guy and does anything I need/want. He is caring - loves his parents and siblings. Cares for friends and is always willing to help people out. He is the ideal guy really and I don't know what's wrong with me, thinking I'm not sure about staying with him.

We used to fight about his parents a lot (they are mulsim and have strict rules regarding his dating). Lately we have been just fighting, well more me getting angry over little things. Most of the time I end up in tears feeling angry, sad and guilty over getting angry. The last few times we talked about taking a break but it was never something we really thought we'd go through with. He felt I needed to sort things out and maybe I do, but I'm not sure what.

This last fight he says he is leaving because its not fair to me that he keeps sticking around when I don't return the same feelings. He feels bad that I always end up crying and upset over things between us. I mean even when he's sorta ending things with me he sounds like a great guy. He says he loves me still and hopes that I will realize I love him and we'll end up together anyways.

Problem is I'm not sure if I want things to end or not. I still am not sure how I feel and don't think its fair to him that I'm unsure and keep picking fights for no reason. I have very strong feelings for him and most of the time I feel as if I do love him but then I get angry...and can't figure out why I keep picking I just messed up or looking for an excuse to end things with these fights?

Any insight/advice would be great, sorry for the long post!

- Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:26am

"its not fair to me that he keeps sticking around when I don't return the same feelings. "
I disagree, it's more unfair to himself that he keeps sticking around. He should have left months (ok, years) ago. Just because you've gone three and a half years without breaking up yet doesn't mean you have a good relationship that is worth the time you've spent in it.

"Love" feels a little differently for everyone but what's universal is that you know when you feel it. If you've been with this guy three and a half years and can't say confidently that you love him and want to stay with him, you probably don't. And that's okay - But it means that this isn't the right guy for you. I think you're right that you're picking fights because you're not happy and you want to give yourself an excuse to leave.

I honestly think you should let the poor guy go because he's not strong enough to do it himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:43am

Thanks for the response.

Here's the thing, I defaintely have feelings for him that I've never had for anyone else, I do think I love him but I generally question everything (not just this). How can you just know? And who's to say what I'm feeling isn't love for him? Does everyone really just "know"? I mean he says that he knows I love him because of the way I am aorund him and how I look at him and all that corny stuff...

Honestly I wrote that post last night when we were fighting and I tend to flip flop with how I feel. When I get angry or upset I get really angry and upset and this is where I question my feelings. When I'm with him and it's just us in a happy place I couldn't ask for anything else. Spending time with him is what I love to do, he is great to me and we get along really well. I feel safe and protected and cannot imagine a future without him. I would be devestated if anything happened to him and always do everything I can to keep him safe.

But then

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 2:34pm

When you start picking fights with each other and you start arguing, and neither of you want to break up, the bottom line is that both of you are too comfortable where you are and aren't willing to "pull the trigger" just yet. You are fighting because you are NOT happy right now. You cry and get upset, and that shouldn't be the case. Remember the more you cry and aren't happy, it's time to get out and move on.

Ya know it also could be that it's just to for both of you to go your separate ways. Sometimes relationships have a shelf life, and if it doesn't work out, and both of your are NOT on the same page as far as life goals...then why stay together?

What I would do if I were you is to make a list of the things YOU want out of this relationship, and where you want to see it go...OR an ideal relationship to go. For instance, if you want to get married, or if you want your parents/cultures to like each other, or if you feel comfortable with both sides of the family.etc..etc. If there's more NO's than Yes....then it's probably time to end things. If he's not ready to get married anytime soon, then that's probably a good sign for you that it's time to go. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 4:06pm

We both definately want the same things