Not Sure What to Do About This One...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Not Sure What to Do About This One...
3
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:07pm

Some of you may remember me posting over the past few months about an ex I'd been seeing, to recap very briefly, we dated for a year, he broke up with me, didn't see each other for almost two years, started talking again this past September and after I moved back to the same town (for other reasons, not because of him) we've been seeing each other exclusively. He is 33, I am 29. Although we are exclusive he has told me over the course of the past few months that he can't be in a relationship right now but as soon as things settle down he wants to pursue that and does ultimately want to get back together, and that it was bad timing (at the time he was referring to "bad timing" as in he was dealing with some personal issues (parents divorcing, job issues etc.). We've basically been as much of a couple as you can be without it being officially called that and most other people see us that way. However, almost three weeks ago he went to the emergency room and found out that he had a very large cancerous tumor near his stomach. Needless to say, this put everything on hold, he is requiring surgery in the next week or so (he's been out of the hospital for almost two weeks now) and then after his surgery he will be in the hospital for about two weeks, after his surgery and he will be fine. I've been with him during some very emotional times these past few weeks but things are looking positive for him now.

My question is basically that I don't want to be his "friend" during all of this or ever really. I really do love him and want to be there for him (and have been from the start) but it torments me that he still will not consider me as his girlfriend, even before all of this happened. I realize he has much more important and urgent things on his mind right now, but is there a point where you can care about someone enough to let them go so they can do what they need to without you? I don't want him to feel pressured by me right now but I can't pretend like my feelings aren't there and I can't turn them off. I can't talk to him about it at a time like this either so I don't know what I should do. I feel very selfish for even thinking of my own needs right now but at the same time this isn't a new issue.

I've stepped back from him a little bit, its been 2 days since we have spoken. One of my friends said that I need to just sort of suck it up for right now and let him get through this and then do what I feel I need to do. I agree with that in a sense. I don't know, I'm just confused, am I being selfish or am I putting too much emphasis on the label of relationship. Both? Should I just be patient amd help him through this and then figure things out?

Sorry for the long post, this just seems complicated, to me at least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:24pm

Let's say you got the label of "Girlfriend" today. What would specifically change in terms of the nature, quality and actions related to your relationship in the very short term? Probably nothing. The only thing that would likely change is your expectations of him. They would increase and he would be required to make you his #1 priority in life and to consider you in everything he does.

Do you honestly think he has the current capability to do that? Would you make a boyfriend your #1 life priority if you were faced with major surgery over the next few days? I doubt it.

Sometimes as adults we need to let go of our wants and needs for a period of time, for the better good of someone else. Now is the time for that. He doesn't have the capacity right now to prioritize your wants and needs. He needs someone close to him that he can count on as he is likely concerned with his own mortality. You have the power to offer that gift.

Yes - you are being selfish. Now is the time to be selfless out of honor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 2:42pm
Thank you, that is what I needed to hear. I guess just like my friend said I need to suck it up for now, I don't know what will happen once he gets through all of this but it doesn't need to be important right now. I know all of this in my heart, it is just hard to turn down your own feelings and disregard them but that's what I need to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 4:46pm
I don't think you need to disregard your feelings either in this. Of course if you really care about this man then you should be there for him during these rough times and be patient, but hopefully he'll be able to appreciate your love and caring and feel closer to you during this time. I say if your gut tells you that this man is right for you and you care for him then be there for him and take that risk. Hopefully when things start healing/calming down for him then he will appreciate your support and want to be your boyfriend. I'm not sure if a title means anything in this sense though. I believe actions speak louder than words and titles really dont' mean anything, it's what you feel in your heart. For now he won't be able to give you the action but he should be able to make you feel appreciated through words as much as he can.