Not sure what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Not sure what to think
14
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:43pm
I've been dating the same guy for almost 8 months now. Our relationship has been almost completely long distance since we go to different colleges an hr away from eachother. When we're home from school we're only 10 minutes away. Heres the thing, whenever he seems to get stressed out he seems to not make anytime for me. I'm really not the type of girl that needs to talk to their bf 24/7, but I do like to know whats going on. Its like if he doesn't have time to call me that day then I feel like he should be at least making an effort to email me or something while hes at his computer. I know he cares about me but sometimes I feel so lonely in this relationship. I've tried to talk about it in the past and he just says that schools really important to him and sometimes he needs to focus more on that then me. The only thing is this semester hes only taking 12 credits while I'm taking 18 and holding down a job. If I can come up w/5 minutes to talk to him...why can't he come up w/5 to talk to me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:01am

>>tried to talk about it in the past and he just says that schools really important to him and sometimes he needs to focus more on that then me.<<

He's got his priorities and he's honest about them. You must accept his priorities as they are if you want to be with him. If you can't accept him as is, then you're with the wrong guy.

>>The only thing is this semester hes only taking 12 credits while I'm taking 18 and holding down a job. If I can come up w/5 minutes to talk to him...why can't he come up w/5 to talk to me?<<

May I remind you that we all have different thresholds to what will make us tired and stressed. For example, I'm a mother of two and I work part-time 3 days per week and I find this exhausting. But I know other women who have two kids and work full time and balance it well. Don't expect all people to function the same as you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 10:12pm

Curly-

You know the answer to this one. There's a dead end sign ahead. Don't ignore it!

You are absolutely right- he does have 5 minutes to talk to you. The painful truth is- he doesn't want to. If I had a penny for every woman that asked me if a guy should be expected to call daily even if he is "busy"- I'd be a millionaire!

Point is- if a guy sees you for the fabulous woman you are- he'll call you at LEAST once a day (and probably more)Anything less than that is UNACCEPTABLE(unless he is undergoing surgery or is on assignment in a remote country or an astronaut on a mission or in a war zone). If he was worth your time and effort he would make time for you and look forward to talking to you, several times a day I may add)

So kick this loser to the side of the road and get going- your Mr. Right is on the horizon! You deserve nothing but the best!

Good Luck!

Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 2:01pm
Curly, I completely agree with Savannah. There is no such thing as "too busy"--unless there is a death in the family, or something crazy comes up at work (short term), something of that nature. But over a longer time period, there is simply no such thing. He would make the time if he wanted to. In fact, he wouldn't be able to help emailing or calling, even for a few seconds, if he was thinking about you the way you were thinking about him. I know this is hard to hear, but I have been where you are, and so have lots of girlfriends of mine. There is not really much you can do to change his behavior, unfortunately. I think the best thing to do is keep busy, try not to think about the fact that he is not calling as much as you'd like (MUCH easier said than done, I know!). Perhaps if you are less "available," he will realize he misses you. If he doesn't, you certainly deserve better. Love and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:36pm

Dear curly:

The problem you are observing is a very typical martian issue. You can learn all about marsvenus principles from the mv message boards.

In the nutshell, men can only think of one problem at a time. Their brains are great for solving problems, but they don't shift gears well, nor do they think multiply as we women do. I can watch TV, do the dishes, look at the window and watch the neighbors, and keep an ear out for what the dog is up to. Men can only do one of these things at a time.

So, while he's not contacting you, he's undoubtedly solving his problems with school, work, etc.

There are ways to let your boyfriend know how his not contacting you makes you feel without threatening him or pressuring him. The boards and the mv coaches can give you a ton of details, but for now, ADMIRE him when he makes a point of calling, APPRECIATE his effort. Admiration and appreciation are key sources of male happiness. When you ask him to support you more by more frequent contact, use VERY specific words: "WILL you help me by....WOULD you please call me more often?..." The Would/Will constructions get MUCH better results that the "could/can," "why don't you" constructions.

Ask him for more support BEFORE you are intimate with him, i.e., when you know he is hungry for you--definitely the best timing for the request.

Best wishes! beyondmeasure

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:42pm

Some men are this way, perhaps...maybe even "many". But *plenty* are capable of multitasking JUST fine. I see men doing it at work all the time.

That's the problem with John Gray's books (or any other books that assume all men are the same and all women are the same). We are each individuals and should be treated as such. I am no more like the women he talks about in his books than I am like a penguin (I'm aiming for the ridiculous here ;-))...so it's hard for me to take his views seriously.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 3:10pm
Sorry, but you will need to read the book...."He's Just Not Than Into You" All the signs are there. I am sorry, but long distance does not work! Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:59am

Agreed. We are all definitely uniquely ourselves. But, the paradigm of male/female differences is still useful. In my last relationship, I knew nothing of mars venus principles, and just flew by the seat of my pants. I had fallen desperately and limerently in love with a man who didn't or couldn't return my feelings.

The more aloof he was, the more needy/clingy/obsessy I became. The final outcome was that he pulled away, and I was broken hearted. In that broken hearted state, I picked up one of Gray's books, thinking, "how silly is this." But as I started to understand some very basic principles and invoked them, I began not only to heal myself, but that aloof man began to seek me out.

While he still hasn't committed, and I'm dating other men in any event, the "he's just not into you" mentality is not an accurate description of his or my plight. In fact, that mean-spirited nonsense just makes women feel worse and keeps them allocated in their subservient views of themselves as objects of male desire or disdain.

There's a ton more detail of women trying to understand themselves, heal from our society's pressures, and deal with their men on the mars venus boards. Come and take a look! You won't be disappointed. beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:04am

Hi, bchbear:

I have read that book. The reason I don't think it's useful is that it perpetuates female objectification: we are the prizes or the trash for men, and he either desires us or sticks us in purple shirt status way in the back of his closet.

I don't think it's healthy or true to the complex nature of the male female dynamic. And, it keeps us subservient to the male dominence (he likes you; he's not that into you) and, in a sense, the victim of his not being that into us.

I abominate the victim role and its mythology. I prefer the concept of balance: equal but differently abled and gifted. Come to the mars venus boards, bch, you will not be disappointed! Best wishes, beyondmeasure

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:46pm

Hmmm...I don't find HJNTIY to be "mean-spirited" at all...the book is very compassionate and empathetic, and it's just plain common sense, IMO. I actually find it freeing to not twist myself into a pretzel or waste time being upset over someone who's not right for me. It frees up my mental and emotional energy to focus on someone who IS right for me and who's not afraid to show it.

I'm glad you have found the Mars/Venus theories helpful...I've read several John Gray books but they are just not for me. Personally, I don't *want* a man who is aloof and who only responds when I'm aloof back, or who goes into his cave or whatever...and I know there are men out there who don't behave that way.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 3:01pm

Wow! Let me jump in...

I think both of you have great points.

To the Mars/Venus fan- I too have been a student of many relationships books, and have read almost all of John's books. I agree with his principles. However, unfortunately, women twist this advice to suit their own needs. For example, A man doesn't call for two weeks after a first date and then calls at 2:00 AM. The girl will typically say "Oh, well, he must have been in his cave for awhile". They use his advice as an excuse for a man's poor behavior. The point behind the Mars and Venus books is COMMUNICATION. This is helpful for people in advanced relationships (six months of exclusivity or longer) not the initial stages.

I don't think that He's Just Not that Into You is about male domination or any of that feminist mumbo jumbo. Like it or not, the majority of today's women sadly look to men for their happiness and self worth. By expressing his views in the book (which are true for the most part) he is helping women gain control of their lives and stop being a slave to a man's mistreatment of them. He's EMPOWERING women.

Look, I think that John Grey would even agree with the idea that if a man doesn't call for a long time, or dates other women at the same time, or is "busy" all the time- that the problem is that the man doesn't like them. You can't "Communicate" your way into a man's heart, and that is the problem with most women's perception of the Mars and Venus books. It is only if a man cherishes a woman that he will be willing to talk and work through issues and the differences between male and female perceptions.

Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com

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