Not sure where this is going

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Not sure where this is going
4
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 10:59am
Ok, I'm new here, so bear with me. Sorry in advance if I get long-winded.
Here's my situation. My marriage had been going downhill for the last 3 years and I had been preparing for the end of it for some time. After he left, I didn't want to get into anything serious, but quite honestly, I did want some companionship. I met someone about two months after my ex moved out, and we've been seeing each other for the last 4. We both said before we ever went out that we weren't looking for commitment, marriage, or anything serious. Honestly, I know this sounds bad, but I was looking for a physical relationship only, and I thought that he was too.
Almost immediately, it became apparent that we had alot more in common. At first, we would meet once a week and every time we seen each other it always ended (or began) with sex. After the first month, it became a couple times a week, we talked every day online or on the phone. Eventually, we started having "dates" that consisted of dinner and hanging out watching tv. Ok, I could live with having a friend with benefits.
Now, we see each other three or more times a week. I haven't spent the night with him, although he's offered several times. He wants to cuddle on the couch, we talk every day. When he was offered a new job, he recommended me to his boss for his old job. We tell everyone in the office that we are just friends, no one has any other clue otherwise. When I started looking for a new place, he pulled some strings and found a house that's only 2 blocks from his. We both have sons that are 6 years old. He said that he's never introduced any women he's dated to his son, yet our kids play together every weekend (we never act intimate around them though). He's even admitted that I'm the only one that he has ever let watch his son when he's had to work.
I know that since his divorce 4 years ago, he's been around. I am not expecting or hoping to be anything different or special here. But things he's said he "Never does" or "never lets anyone do" do not seem to apply to whatever type of relationship we seem to have. He's said he's not seeing anyone else, but I haven't asked him anything else.
Background out of the way, here's my question. I don't know his true intentions at this point..what was said at the beginning of our relationship is totally out the window. I'm not ready for a committment, but I do like him very much. Should I risk asking him where his feelings lie? I'm afraid that if he says he is wanting an exclusive relationhip, I won't be able to say the same. I am starting to have feelings for him, but the timing isn't right. I'm not at a point that I want to get attached to one person, and if things keep going like this it's just going to be harder for me. I have been considering dating other people, but I don't want to hide if from him.
I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm sure it shows here. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 11:50am

Be honest with him on how you’re feeling. Letting him know what you just told us and he should understand. You are having fun but commitment is something you are not ready for.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 5:42pm

If you don't want a serious relationship with him make sure the next time you go out to dinner with him you make a comment like "I'm so glad we can be friends and I don't have to worry about you wanting to be in a relationship with me because I'm definitely not ready for it" This way if you see him flinch at your comment you know that deep down he wants something serious and it bothered him to hear you say otherwise. This way the issue will be brought out in the open for discussion.

One thing that I would advise is that you should try and refrain from allowing his son to play with yours because little kids get attached very easily and especially if you don't want something serious with this man your son can get attached to both him and his son and it would be heartbreaking for your son to lose his new little friend if you guys were to stop talking. Just something to think about.

BABY #3!!
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:49am

gosh sounds kind a what im going through right now glad someone else is going through the samething,like she said make a little comment like glad were friends i've been throwing that comment in latley to the guy i'm seeing last nite i sent a test saying glad this will be over with soon so i can get on with my life so he called me back and said oh this is going to be over sonn uh! i do this cause im trying to find out where hes comming from what does this guy want i think i could easly fall for him which i think thats what is happen now

my husband left the first of Dec but there has been no physcial contact for 8 years so im really haven't had a marraige me and this guy have been seeing each other for two months just as friends but i fill something is going on maybe more from reading your post it sounds a lot like what i posted maybe you can find it and read it
Goodluck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:08pm

If you are certain, that you do not want to hear him say that he wants an exclusive, relationship - than why ask him the question "Where do we stand?"

My gut is telling me, that you are liking this guy, more than "you" really want to, however, you are not certain if you are ready to settle down and date only him.

So, since he has not made any "exclusive" notions towards you, then I guess you should go ahead and date other men, Why not?? And see how well he handles it. However, should he follow suit and date other women, will you be able to grin and bear it?? That's the real question.

Keep us informed.
Jazzy.