One Partner for Life at 18??
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| Mon, 05-09-2005 - 1:49am |
Hi,
I'll try to make this a short one, but I'm in the mood to rant :O(...I have been with my bf for a little over 2 years (we're both 18) and this is the first serious relationship for the both of us. Although I never thought I'd be with one person for my entire life (especially this young), I had never met or liked anyone as much as I did him, and for that reason as well as all that we have been through, we thought that we'd end up together for the rest of our lives.
I know this is idealistic teenage crap for most people but I really did think that we'd be together, and I wanted that to happen too. But, things have been really rocky since December, and I find myself being increasingly unhappy with our relationship. I have to mention that we both stopped seeing our friends (long story short I had a fight with my 2 best friends and that ended my social life about a year and a half ago) and we've been living togerther for about a year or so (I live at home still).
But, since December he started to hang out with some old friends (all male stoners who don't hang out with girls that much) basically because it was a rough time for him and as he didn't want to deal with his problems he chose to run off with his friends and bury his problems inside him. But, that's pretty much why things got worse for the two of us.
Lately I've been so lonely and tired (new job) and irritable around him. I just don't know what to think anymore. It's not like we haven't been through some rough times before (he's helped me through a lot) but this is actually making me question whether we should really be together forever...I hate that I am, but I can't help it.
I just started a new job (part time barista) and I met this guy there who is really fun and nice and I think I like him a little too much...but, it's not that I want to be with him so much as I am questioning whether I should be with my bf if I'm thinking about another guy romantically. I just don't know if I'm just emotionally bailing out of my relationship because things are so emotionally draining, or if I actually want to be with someone else...or even SINGLE for a bit...maybe I just need a break from things...I don't know :O(.
I don't know if anyone has experience in situations like this or not, but I just need another perspective on things. I know that it's my decision, but I would like some support as I have not had any friends for quite some time, and my mom doesn't suffice at the moment lol. I usually got to my bf when things are troubling me, but I think that anyone I would ask would tell me not to tell him that I'm thinking about another guy...
Thanks, Yvy.

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I started dating my ex-fiance when I was 17. I lost my virginty to him. I dated him all through college. We even made it through a year apart. All in all I was with him until after I graduated college almost seven years later.
I thought I would marry him, for so many reasons. He was my best friend for a VERY long time. We had known each other since we were in third grade.
It didn't work out. Shortly after he graduated college (about 9 months befroe I did) he left for a summer internship. While we were apart I developed a wondering eye. I never did anything about it. I also started feelign more indepenedent and more impowered are started making some more friends of my own, as opposed to our mutual friends.
I started to realize I had just been going along on automatic pilot. Graduate high school, go to college, play role of perfect girflriend, get engaged, get married to the first man I've ever been with sexually. Realizing I hadn't really given much thought to the path I was on made me start looking at myself more closely.
Thinking about what I wanted nad whether or not I was really on the path I wanted to be on.
I started realizing that a lot of thing s about my relationship with my then fiance really bothered me. I wont go into all the details, but by the time he actually propsed as was beginning to have SERIOUS doubts. Doubts I kept to myself, because I didn't want anyone to know and tell me what I didn't want to hear.
I knew all along the odds of us making it were slim. I was so bust trying to beat the odss nad prove everyone wrong and be mature and grown up about all this and realistic that I somehow completely lost track of what I wanted.
Well, I postponed the wedding once, and about six months before the new date I finally found the courage to end it.
It was terrifying, but I just felt in my gut that I was settling and that there was something else out there for me.
Fast forward about ten years and a couple heartbreaks later. I'm with a great guy. I'm in a relationship that truly is beyond what I had ever hoped to find. What I had begun at times to doubt even existed for anyone, least of all me.
But I found it. I have never been more absolutely certain that anything was the right choice before in my entire life. I know in my gut that this is what I was meant to have, what in my heart I never gave up on.
I highly recommend waiting for it. It can be a difficult path to take, especially as you watch other firends marry and maybe even some divorce, but waiting and learning and growing and becoming better and happier all the while, and then finding what I have... Well, let's just say I was determined ot do it right or not to it at all. I'm confident I've done that and it's a pretty awesome feeling knowing that NEITHER of us have been married before. We both waited until we found the person that was the perfect person for us at the perfect time.
It's fabulous. I wouldn't have regretted waiting if I had waited until I was 75.
I don't know how much this helps you, but I can tell you three things I have learned. Never regret your past it makes you who you are. Never regret having loved even if it doesn't work out, because many more realtionships fail then succeed and as long as it has helped you become better, even if through pain, it was worth it. Learn to trust yourself, you know better what is best and right for you then anyone on the planet; it is your journey and while the advice of others is helpful only you know what is in your heart.
Sweetie, the reason you thought you'd be with him your entire life was because you haven't (or hadn't up until now) had opportunities to meet and spend time with other people. It's important that you have these opportunities. Meeting different people from places other than school means that your world is opening up; you're no longer cloistered in a single environment (school) where everyone is on the same level. Now you're meeting co-workers and, in time, you'll meet lots of other people in varying situations. Your environment is expanding; you're realizing there is a big world out there and you want to experience it.
And you should. If you and your BF are meant to be together, it will happen in time.But right now both of you should be experiencing what the world has to offer, and that means meeting new people and learning what you really like and don't like about certain types of people, including men.
You're still growing emotionally and you meeting and dating other people will give you some insight into who you are and what you're looking for. While it's true that some people date and marry the same person from high school, you have to decide if you need more life experience before settling for one guy while you're still so young.
Hi again,
Thank-you both very much for your replies. Nick: wow, I think that you are so strong for what you have done, and I admire you for that. It's nice to know that someone else has felt the way that I do...although I'm not sure if it's quite the same, as I am still uncertain of what course I will take. Thank-you for your advice :O). If this relationship is not meant to be, then I would also gladly wait until I was old and grey to find the one I could grow even older with ;O).
Ddnlj, I completely agree with you, however I thought that I had seen all there was to see. Now I find that I was wrong and there is more to life than highschool personas...so many guys were carbon copies of eachother that when my bf came along it was like a sudden refreshing breeze. He wasn't just trying to get laid :OD...but there's more to him than that and that's why I can't part ways with him...not yet anyways.
Well, I guess that's my decison for now...or non-decision rather. I choose to be with him until things don't feel right anymore. At the moment I think I'm having a passing infatuation with this guy at work, and it's kind of nice to feel desirable, and flirty again...at 18, lol.
It's actually a good thing that this happened, because now I know that I don't have to be tied down at this age. Now I feel as though I could travel as I please, as I am still an independent person; no matter what my relationship status is. Not that I didn't know this already, but before I never really accepted it. I thought that I wouldn't do the things that I wanted to do, because my life was being planned out before I my eyes and it would have been too late to go back and do the things that I need to do in order to fulfill MY needs.
Thanks again :O),
Yvy.
i hope it isnt too late for another opinion on the situation...i was in the same boat as you..i dated one guy the last two years of high school and once we graduated it just kinda went down hill..i didnt have the exact problems as you are having but in general yes. we ended up breaking up and getting back together and breaking up again and now we are just friends..of course i love him dearly but honestly the best thing we could have done for each other was break up that last time...after we broke up it was 4 months before i saw him again, i grew up so much in those 4 months and so did he..yea i hate being single i like having a boyfriend but if you are having any doubts then just go with what your head is telling you..most people say go with your heart but your heart blocks you from seeing reality sometimes it makes you see what you want to see not what really is...if its meant to be youll end up back together some how. i know everyone says that but i believe its really true..take some time for yourself. youll start to notice just how much you grow up. its the hardest thing to do, let someone you love go but sometimes it has to be done. yea it hurts but eventually youll get over it just dont find another guy so quick after the break up..i did and i just kinda latched on i wanted someone to be there for me like my ex , emotionally, physically etc etc.. and thats just not what it was..
Hi Lovebites,
it's never too late for more advice :O)!
I completely agree with what you're saying, and to be honest I think that my course of action should probably be exactly as you described. However, I can't seem to get myself going on it. It's too hard at the moment. I just love him too much, and I know that he loves me...the latter makes it even harder to let go.
We'll see what happens I guess...
Thanks, I really appreciate your post :O).
Yvy.
**PS I know that if we do break up, I shouldn't latch on to someone else. I know it'd be what I'd want for the moment...to get me through it...but I wouldn't because it would just defeat the purpose of freeing myself in the first place.**
You sound as if you're heading on to a new kind of life while he's making the kind of choices that aren't going to be good for him in the long run.
You know what the odds are against teenage marriages. I'm not saying that you're considering marriage, but if you elect to stay with him the odds are good that sometime in the future you won't stay together. While I know some people who have made a life together, and started in their mid-teens and have been together happily for a LOT of years, I know of MORE than have been unsuccessful. The odds simply are against it lasting. I'd hedge that yours wouldn't last just b/c of the feelings you're having right now. Go on with you life, have LOTS of learning experiences and I wish you all the best in the world. Good luck. Becky
Hi Becky,
thank-you for your post, however I think that I'm going to give him a chance before I go and do something that I regret.
If things go on the same way that they have been in the next month then I will probably ask him to move out. He just got a job, and for the first time in a long time he actually has something that he's happy about in his life. It's something other than sitting in a room all day playing computer games, and going out all night with his friends...so boring!
I think that this will be a good change for him, but I know that it's not going to do much for our relationship troubles. However, if he's happier and more active, then maybe he'll put more of an effort into resolving our issues.
If not, then like I said I will probably break it off.
Thanks again for your post. I do trust that the odds are against us, but that doesn't mean that I can't try, right?
Yvy.
Hi again,
I was just talking to a friend who was in the same position as me: long-term relationship + no friends (she broke up with him 2 weeks ago for other reasons).
She thinks that if I have my own circle of friends, I will not be so preoccupied about what my bf is doing, and have more time to myself.
I think at a certain point I started to focus much more on his life than my own, thus I lost my sense of self. What he did and when he did it was of great importance to me. Everything said and done was like a huge sign to me about how he felt for me...but really I took it too seriously. I think that I should just relax and go with the flow.
Wow, I must seem very influenced by what other people are saying lol, but really this all does make a lot of sense to me: the odds being against us, we're still so young and we have a lot more life experiences to go through and people to meet (but does that really mean that they have to be romantic ties? or even experiences in dating? Surely there's more to life than that). I also understand that I should wait for the right person if this relationship does not ultimately make me happy (etc...).
**Also, I don't quite agree that this relationship has burned itself out; since the beginning of any relationship seems to be more about that giddy infatuation that you have with one another than love itself, it seems only natural for things to become less intense and more comfortable (possibly a touch boring...). If I still have strong feelings for him then I don't see how it's burned itself out, as I am not at the point where I can tell him that we need to part ways.**
Anywho :OP, I just have plenty more thinking to do, but thanks for all the advice and support from everyone! I really want to focus on myself for a while. If that's selfish then so be it, because I need to get my life in order and stop worrying about my bf's life so much.
"If that's selfish then so be it, because I need to get my life in order and stop worrying about my bf's life so much."
I think you are absolutely right and that isn't selfish at all. It is a hundred times easier to give and be their for others when you have sorted yourself out and are happy and take care of your own needs first.
Once, you feel you've found your own way you'll find that life has a way of sorting itself out and that we often allow feelings and over-thinking to cloud our better judgement. Things become much clearly when you put the focus of your life where it belongs on yourself.
Good luck. I think it sounds like you're going to do great!
You can't wrap yourself up in someone else's life. How interesting can you possibly be to someone else if your own life is all about them? How happy can you be? Our happiness ultimately comes from within. It's unfair to someone else to expect them to provide our happiness. It's childish. Very small children expect others to make them happy. Rightfully so. At your age however, it's up to you...not someone else. You lose your own identity. That happens when you become parents, too. You become "so-and-so's mom", instead of "that's {insert your name}". Then when you wake up some 20years down the road and get your own identity back, people tell you that you've changed, that you're "different". Of course you are, you're not living vicariously through someone else. You are actually participating in your own life.
Good luck. Start living. Becky
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