Opinions pls!
Find a Conversation
Opinions pls!
| Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:25pm |
I RE met this guy I went to high school with - 10 years ago! I have heard numerous "bad" things about him, liar, cheat, thief, etc. I never really paid attention to what others said, b/c we live in such a small town, anyone and everyone will say things just to start drama. Anyway, he and I have started seeing one another. I was doubtful at first b/c of the things that I had heard, but told him what I had heard and asked for the truth up front. He said none of them were true, and everyone has always said these things about him. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, get to know him for HIM and let him take me out. We have had the best time! He makes me smile and laugh, compliments me left and right, reassures me that all will be fine (he is planning to move to Las Vegas in Oct., I am in KS) So I told him from the get go that I couldn't allow myself to get attached to him b/c he was eventually moving away and that would not be fair to either one of us. Well forget the not getting attached, b/c I am. I really truly like this guy want it to work between us. I have thought about if it does work w/ us, moving w/ him, I couldn't ask him to not take a good job b/c of me that would be selfish of me. I have a lot of mixed feelings right now, I would move but I have my family w/ me here now, I am 28, I need to get out of the town that I am in b/c it will take me no where. I just kind of feel like I am going in a circle here and can't make up my mind what I want to do w/ this life I have. Do I take a chance of being hurt yet again, by a terrific guy, do I get out before I do get too attached, do I take things day by day and see what happens, or rely on the old saying "If it's meant to be, it will be". Help!

<< I would move but I have my family w/ me here now, I am 28, I need to get out of the town that I am in b/c it will take me no where. >>
If you want to move, move for YOUR reasons. Move to move your life forward toward what and where you want it to be. However, please don't make the mistake of moving just for a guy. Ok?
Dear '76,
My first instinct is to tell you to not follow him out there. If you really want to get out of your Kansas town, then move elsewhere, or at least move to Vegas a few months after he's left so you have time to think without him around (clouding your thinking cuz you're in love), and to know if it's the right decision for your life, not the right decision for the relationship. My feeling is it isn't right for either, but that's not what you wanted to hear. You want me to tell you to move with him. That isn't the worst thing you could do, but if you really want to, make sure you do it the right way. You can't just follow him out there like a love starved girl (which you certainly are NOT! But he may think so if you just pack up your things so quickly and go).
I have a friend about the same age with a similar problem. She was dating this guy for a few months, fell in love (he says he likes her too), but then he moved out west without her to get his masters degree. She has family and a job here, but she's feeling like she needs to see where this could go. The advice I gave her was to either end it and move on or move out there, because most people can't make a relationship work from 1500 miles away! It was evident she wasn't going to make it by seeing him once every 6 weeks.
I think you are in a similar situation, but I'm not sure. First I need more info: how long have you been dating and have you been intimate with him? Have you told him how you feel about him? Has he told you how he feels? Do you both feel the same? Have you told him you're thinking of moving out there too? What was his reaction?
Regardless of the answers to those questions, if you do decide to move to Vegas, no matter what you absolutely must maintain a separate life still. First of all, you need to discuss all of this with him first so it doesn't freak him out. If he's cool with you moving, let him know it's not just for him, but it's an opportunity to get out of your town. Once you get there, make sure you have a fulfilling job/career, or at least a full social life outside of him. What I'm getting at is you can't just move out there and make the move and your new life in a new city all about him. What if it doesn't work out? Then you are stuck in a big and cold city where you don't know anyone or have anything to do other than sit around and feel lonely and miss him. No good. Once you get there, find a place to live at least 15 minutes away from him, get a job you can at least tolerate, make some friends as soon as you can, and start hanging out with them outside of hanging out with him. Just make sure that if you do decide to make the move (which I'm not sure is even the best option for you), make sure you have a separate life. That way it will be a lot less likely to scare him into thinking you're some kind of obsessed girl that wants to follow him, plus there's less pressure on the relationship working. There won't be any, "I moved all the way out here and this is how it turns out?!" Plus, as I said earlier, if it doesn't work out, at least you have a good job and soem friends/social life to fall back on. And hey, if it doesn't work out you've got friends to set you up with someone else.
Good luck,
-MFG