or get off the pot

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
or get off the pot
9
Wed, 04-29-2009 - 7:37pm


okay, here goes, all advice except judgemental is appreciated.

we've been together for 14 months. in that time, at 6 months, we got pregnant and terminated. (this was an awful decision please don't judge I've suffered enought) the aftermath was awful and it made me realize how much I wanted a baby. I'm 41 so this was no small thing to realize. never married, never pregnant before.

now, 6 months later, when asked do you want to have a baby with me, he said " I'm not gung ho and I don't think I'm really ready but I want you to have what you want and I love you and I want you to be with you and happy so I will help you have a baby."

this was bittersweet. sweet of him to care so much about me but made me cringe in other ways.

the relationship on its own is not perfect, garden variety type issues, nothing major.

I love the guy, but it feels like a togetherness/bestfriendness not a real belonging.

thoughts??

"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 1:14am

Your opening request is not possible. Nobody can give any advice with out making a judgement call for how to advise. And be honest, you don't oppose all judgement, just those who don't rule in your favor. Those whose judgement calls

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 10:26am

The biggest and most important is YOU need to decide if having a kid or being with him is more important. The option of having both may not be there, so be prepared for that.

The comment that your BF made was a very generic/"friend" response, but was a red flag. I wouldn't judge about your choice, however my question to you is why did you do that in the first place? Was it because he was pressuring you, or were you hoping for an engagement/marriage, or what? From his comment, he's basically saying to you is that he's NOT ready, but he wants you to be happy. A better stance would be for him to actually be ready.

However you are 41, and kinda running out of time in that dept. So if this is something that you truly want, you need to be prepared to do a lot of this on your own. If you do get pregnant, then keep it. Tell him that you are doing this with or w/o him. Make a plan and stick to it till the end. Normally, in your situation, you need to hope for the best, but plan for the worst, that way you have your bases covered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 11:14am

thanks, dans. I thought it was clear what I meant about judgment was regarding the choice I made. Of course you have to make judgment calls when giving advice and I am open to all calls, even the ones like yours, that are disapproving. That is why we come here to get different opinions so thank you.

I agree that perhaps it's me who should be more judgmental. How do you suggest I go about that? clearly I am in the middle, in-it, and it's hard to see clearly from here.

"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 11:24am


thanks sweatpea, in answer to your question I did it because we felt that we wanted to build a family of two, him and me, first, take things one step at a time, then plan for a child, I thought this was a good plan completely unaware of the reality of what I was about to do. This is hard to explain but I would rather focus on the present and future. And--here's what I forgot to mention-- he does want a child, but he always questions 'when' because he feels like I'm in such a hurry and feels that we are still kind of coming down from that experience (it was 5 months ago).

when you say If you do get pregnant, then keep it. Tell him that you are doing this with or w/o him. Make a plan and stick to it till the end. Done, I told him a month after the 'choice' there are no "choices" to be made should this happen again, he understands. obviously we are being very mindful of BC.

just wanted to fill in some blanks, let me know any thoughts on all this..

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I feel that I'm at a really critical point with all this and it really helps to hear different takes.

"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 12:39pm

How I would go about being more judgemental is....well I would break up with him, even though I had feelings for him, because feelings aren't enough. It would be a deal breaker that when I got knocked up by him that he encouraged me to get an abortion instead of using that unplanned pregnancy as a launching point for him to realize that he wanted to be with me forever and get married. Not because I was knocked up with

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 10:35am


dans, you describe ideal circumstances in an ideal world. That a guy suddenly realizes he wants to be with you forever and ever because he knocked you up, for example, is something out of a chick-flick or perhaps your life is that perfect. Is it? More likely he feels guilty or pressured or trapped into marrying you.

Of course I deserve all the things you say that I do... but to temper the ideal with the REAL:

I'm nearly 42. Do you know what that feels like? To leave and start over means I'll very likely will NEVER have a baby.

I appreciate what you say you would do but please refer to the my quote here at the end. I believe that if you really WERE in the situation I am in, you may OR MAY NOT do what you say you would. That said, if you can offer advice that is less drastic or reactionary I would appreciate it. If not thank you.

"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 11:54am

Yes it is ideal, but why should that matter? I think half of the problems women have is that they settle for less than ideal, thus turning reality into less than ideal.


"I love the guy, but it feels like a togetherness/bestfriendness not a real belonging."


This says a lot. It says that you're settling. Because of fear, or familiarity, or unwillingness to risk. The bottom line though is you might not ever have a child of your own. You might have waited too long and have to adopt. Your chances of conceiving go down with each year, whether you try with this guy or not.


With that in mind, I would do as I said I would and break up with him. Knowing that yes it'd be painful. I'd rather go with the best ideal options available to me than to settle for less than just because it's there and he's a friendly guy.


That might not be your choice though, but then you have to look at what ARE your choices here? Have you listed them and their consequences? That could be a good place to start if you're not willing to risk starting over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 3:55pm
thanks dans :) that was really helpful and I will reflect and write about it... hope you'll stay tuned.
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 5:06pm
for an update, please see my post in 'abortion support' message board, titled "post abortion relationship"
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
"We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller