Our Families are Tearing us Down...
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| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:12pm |
Hi there, I'm new here to the message boards. My name is Sara, I'm 21 and Ive been dating my BF "J" who is 22 for a year. I've been reading a lot of the posts and I look forward to using the message boards for some helpful insight, advice, laughs, etc. and who knows maybe sometime I can return some advice as well. (The following is a really long post but please read it anyway; I could really use some advice. I thought about shortening it but the details are important in understanding the situation. Thanks!)
As for some background. J is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. Both of us have liked different people before but never had any serious actual "relationships." We were good friends for a few years before getting together. Actually I secretly had a HUGE crush on him for the longest time and come to find out he did for me too but both of us are shy and had a hard time getting to it but finally we got together. I had never dated anyone before despite many opportunities because I really knew what I wanted, the qualites I was looking for in a person, and I also knew that if I was going to date someone it was going to be something serious and with marriage in mind. I guess I just dont want to waste my time and energy on something that obviously wont work out anyway. J's the same way...and we are on the same page on pretty much every major relationship issue and what we want out of this relationship. Also, I should note that we are both waiting until we are married before having sex so this is not a factor in our relationship.
So far this year has had its minor ups and down but overall it has been really great. Ive really come to love J so much. He definitly "shows" this in return although he hasnt said anything other than how he really cares about me and more indirect things like how important I am to him and how happy he is that he met me and Im in his life. So its ok with me that he doesnt actually SAY "it". He also, talks about marriage; specifically marriage to me at times but both of us want to take it nice and slow. Neither of us have been in love with anyone before, or dated, etc...so its all really new. Sometimes I feel like its almost too good to be true to actually have the first person I date be such a wonderful person; it really feels like hes the one. I feel that in my gut even though in my mind I realize that there are no guarantees and you never know what will happen...so Im pretty much just going with the flow and enjoying myself and not expecting too much. We dont fight or anything and always do nice things for eachother. Sometimes hell get on my nerves and Im sure Im irritating too haha but its always good in the end.
Our biggest problem however I would definitly say are in our families. For some reason my parents really do not like him. Constantly they tell me to break up with him and ask me why Im still dating him. It really hurts my feelings and bothers me. I love my family despite their imperfections and I dont want to choose between them and J. I feel like they wont even give him a chance. Its been hard because hes a very quiet person and its almost as if they want this outgoing charming guy that will say all the things they want, etc. They also say negative things about him because of his job. My parents are fairly affluent but my BF comes from a poor family and he is definitly working class. My parents see this as a bad thing but I love him for it because he is such a hard worker and is a great person because of the difficulties hes had to overcome. I think the problem with my parents is just gettng worse because J gets even quieter and more uncomfortable since he knows how they feel about him and the things that they say. Therefore he hardly ever comes down to where I live (which is about an hour and a half away.) This is hard because it means that it is always me going up to see him, or meeting half way. In addition, there are problems with his family as well. Hes had an extremely chaotic and at times abusive upbringing (depending on who his mother was married to at the time)His mother has never really cared for him as much as her other son even though J is the only one that has been there for her and continues to support her. Her other son could care less and has always been a very selfish person. Its weird but J seems almost too dedicated to this woman that treats him horribly and uses him. As if hes seeking her approval still after all these years and trying to solve her problems. He continues to live with her paying her mortgage while she goes though yet another divorce. The situation at his house makes it hard for me to go over there. At most times it is a very bad environment. This causes huge amounts of stress on him. I tell him that he needs to get out of there but he always says he needs to be there to help his mom. I really dont understand it. Deep down I know he has a lot of scars and issues because of how he has grown up and I cant change that but at the same time I want to help and be there for him. Between our two families there has been a lot of stress and anxiety. It also has been difficult to see eachother regularly. I try to go up and see him every week and drive back and forth but off and on it will go several weeks before we can see eachother again. There are many factors that cause this but one of them in particular is my parents who will almost sabotage things it seems like so that I cant see him. Like "accidentally" scheduling something for a day when Im supposed to go see J, or they will try to hook me up with someone that is "acceptable." I dont want him to be on bad terms with his mother for me...and I dont want to be on bad terms with my parents for him. I just wish it would all fit together. I dont really want to just get married so that we can both escape our families, or even get married within a few years for that matter. In the meantime Im so afraid that the stress and turmoil from our families will tear us apart. Im to the point whre I have no idea what to do or how to keep going like this. Any advice for me? Thanks for reading this, Sara. :)

You seem to have your head together and feel this is a person worthy of your time. As a disclaimer to what I'm about to say, please remember that other people often see things you don't (friends more so than family I think because they interact more often with you and him then your parents do). If your friends don't like a guy, give serious consideration as to why (and if its a good friend that you trust, dump him).
That aside, you seem to have worked through the reasoning behind your family's problems and as long as this guy is good to you and loves you then your family needs to respect that. Your parents may think they know what is best for you, but their idea of "best" may be different than yours. You love who you love and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about that. If your parents don't think he will be a good provider or will be able to take care of you, you tell them that you are an adult now and YOU can take care of you, he doesn't have to. You were very choosy about who you would date and now that you've found someone they should be proud of you for being patient and waiting until the right person came along.
You need to sit them down and tell them that. You may be their daughter but you are 21 and that makes you an adult. Your decisions are your own and your mistakes will be your own. You appreciate their concern and know that they love you, but this is your decision to make and you want them to respect that as much as you respect decisions that they have made in their lives.
As far as his family goes, that's up to him. You can tell him how you feel, but be supportive of him (as long as he's not being self-destructive).