please don't tell me this is a cliché...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
please don't tell me this is a cliché...
4
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 4:19pm

so I hope you're all able to help me out because I really don't know what to think...

I started working at a science lab about 6 months ago, doing my thesis project, so naturally I was asigned a tutor, a postdoc which is 38 years old.
We got along really well, joked a lot and generally had a good time. He's been really supportive with my lab work and all in all he's a wonderful human being. I started to develop a little crush on him, but since he was my tutor and all and there's almost a 13 year age difference, decided not to do anything about it.

There where always little hints that he liked me but I never payed any attention to them, arguing that I was reading too much into them since I had a crush on him. Then one day as we were joking around, he kissed me. He said he really really liked,that h'ed been hoping that someone like me would come along in his life but that he wasn't sure about things because it wasn't the most ethical situation and because of the age difference, but that he loved the idea of dating. So, we started dating, we took things slow and we never told anyone at the lab cause we felt really weird about it. But then all of a sudden I kinda panicked, I felt that things weren't happening naturally and I told him that I felt he wasn`t really commited. He agreed with me and we decided to stay friends. So, apart from the expected awkwardness, everything was fine. Except we didn't really act as friends, there was no kissing or anything but we hugged all the time, argued like a couple at the lab and basically were really confused. So I wrote him a short letter telling him that I felt like we were kidding ourselves, that I wanted to date him, seriously and that I really missed him. The response I got was soo confusing...

he told me that he's only been in love once, with a friend and that after that he actually started to wonder if he could ever be in love again. All of his relationships after that have been extremely short, he tends to lose interest quickly and that he can't imagine what his family would say since I almost have the same age as his niece, that he can't promise he'll get too invested in the relationship and that he's terribly afraid of falling in love. His letter was a huge contradiction, he's basically telling me that it won't go very far but at the same time wonders what will happen if we fall in love and things get more complicated!!!

He also told me that he's really confused, that he doesn't know what to think and that he feels like every 5 minutes he changes his mind about the whole deal.

So what do I do??? I really want to have a relationship with him, but age used to be an issue for me as well. I really, really like him (seriously like him) but he's not exactly encouraging right now, and I'm afraid of getting my heart broken =( I also don't want to have to CONVINCE him that he wants to be with me. Thanks for your help, I'm reaaally confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009

Thankyou Coconut for your reply!

I was hoping you wouldn't say that, but I know you're right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003

Oh boy. This sounds like a 38 year-old who's veerrry confused. Lots of baggage. Doesn't even really know what he wants for himself, in love...and perhaps even career. If he's been in academia since college and never in the work force, late-thirties is fairly old to be in a postdoc situation and not have moved onto something more permanent.

Do you really want to deal with this? You're 25, still young and probably could have your pick of guys. Why settle for a late 30s guy with little romantic experience who STILL hasn't figured things out?

I dated a guy who was the eternal student, now has a lecturer position at a university, still (after 10+ years) supposedly working on his dissertation. And, he had a similar romantic track record - hadn't dated much, relationships he did have were short-lived and kind of on the down-low. Turned out he had almost zilch libido...that was the eventual deal-breaker for me.

Seriously...do you really, truly want to go there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007

Hi little misssunshine....you have a "crush".....and he is sucking up the crush and he is obviously confused by the crush or "torn" is a better word.

Missy