Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Please Help
4
Sun, 05-31-2009 - 5:21pm
Hi this is going to be long but I could REALLY use some advice so please read or skim :)
I've been seeing someone since March he and I have really great chemistry and I love hanging out with him. He lives in my area because he goes to school here but he's leaving next week to go back home (Wisconsin, I'm in New York). I knew this when we started dating so I knew it wasn't a good idea to start this but once we had our first kiss I seriously couldn't even stay away from him so against my better judgement I let it happen. We never discussed what would happen when he left which was also a mistake. I also have to add that as some of you know I broke up with my fiance in December and he also got out of a very serious relationship around the same time. Both of us have our defenses up and we both are afraid of relationships etc. Anyway thats a lot of bad stuff but I just LOVE how he makes me feel!
Last night we went to NYC for the night to shop and stay in a hotel and go out and what not. We got very very drunk and we ended up discussing our relationship while drunk. I don't remember exactly what was said but end result is I was not being nice and I was telling him how we aren't together and we shouldn't be together and he told me he didn't care about me either. Fine- I don't believe him when he says he doesn't care about me. He made dinner for my whole family after graduation- would he do that if he didn't care? I don't think so. The way he looks at me shows me how much he cares. I think the two of us are defensive due to past hurts and nervous about him leaving and what happens next so its easier to claim that we don't care. What do you think?
When I honestly ask myself how I feel about him I'm not sure. I love hanging out with him and I love how he makes me feel. Do I want to be in a relationship w him? I'm not sure. The night ended badly we were yelling and screaming at eachother and this morning we left the city and took the train home barely speaking. When we got back to his house I grabbed my keys and started to leave but first asked him why he was giving me such an attitude. He said he was bummed about last night because he wanted it to be a fun night and it wasn't due to our fight. He said I said a lot of mean things to him about "us" and that he said some back but that thats okay because at least now we know where we stand. That this is just a fling and nothing more. I just said okay and walked out the door.
This is what I think I should do about this situation: Let it be for a day or two and then call him and have an honest conversation with him. Apologize for the things I said when I was drunk about not caring and say I only said those things to protect myself. Tell him that I do care about him a lot and that I don't want a relationship myself because I'm not ready but that I do want to hang out with him still. The two of us will both be living in Chicago come August. So I will tell him that we should both have fun during the months of June and July (we are both going on different vacations with our different friends) and still talk and whatever and then once we're both in Chicago start hanging out again and just have it be fun like it is now and see what happens.
Is this reasonable? It sounds like it to me. However last night during the drunken relationship status question he told me I was just a fling and that he doesn't want a relationship. Do I believe this even though his actions say otherwise? Keep in mind I also said I don't care about him either which I didn't mean.
Sorry this was confusing but what would you do if you were me? Also, would you believe him when he says he doesn't care about me or listen to his actions instead of his words? He wants to be around me all the time, he always talks about things we'll do "when we're in Chicago" and things that we'll do for our birthdays (months and months away) and is always calling us a "we" and asking me permission to do things. Like Friday night he asked if it was okay if he went and got a drink with his friend before we went to dinner. He also always assumes we have plans every weekend- very boyfriendly stuff.
Please help me, give advice etc. Thanks. :(
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: sassy1184
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 3:37pm

If it were me, I'd talk to him now. The longer you let it go undiscussed, the more resentment and guilt will likely build between the two of you over what happened, and the more likely you are to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
In reply to: sassy1184
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 8:42am

'...This is what I think I should do about this situation: Let it be for a day or two and then call him and have an honest conversation with him. Apologize for the things I said when I was drunk about not caring and say I only said those things to protect myself. Tell him that I do care about him a lot and that I don't want a relationship myself because I'm not ready but that I do want to hang out with him still. The two of us will both be living in Chicago come August. So I will tell him that we should both have fun during the months of June and July (we are both going on different vacations with our different friends) and still talk and whatever and then once we're both in Chicago start hanging out again and just have it be fun like it is now and see what happens'


Exactly what I think you should do too. Noone can

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
In reply to: sassy1184
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 10:39am

sassy1184,


Welcome. It seems like you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
In reply to: sassy1184
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 2:11pm

Karen,

It seems to me that your initial idea (to let things fall as they may for the months you are apart and reconnect come August) was a good one. How have things been—any further developments since the first post?



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I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll