Please help! Is this man being for real?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Please help! Is this man being for real?
8
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 2:14pm

I really need some perspective on a situation. I am currently separated from my husband and we are in the middle of getting a divorce. We are on very friendly terms and it’s been very easy. We have no children and our own incomes so there isn’t much to fight over.

That’s not the problem though. I have also started reconnecting with an old friend whom I have known for many years. We never had a steady relationship because of other events in our lives but we have always remained very close. We talk everyday. Now we are both saying that we care about each other and love each other. He says he wants to be with me and I want to be with him. I know we have to take things slower because we want it to work, but he is saying he doesn’t want to have relationship, be together, see each other (we currently live in different states) for about a year because he wants to do things “right” and slow and be noble about everything.

What does that even mean? We weren’t planning on getting married or moving in together right away or anything even close. What is this year wait thing? Is that some BS-line he is telling me? I can’t decipher what he is really telling me? Is he being “noble” as he puts it or putting me on? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 3:04pm

It sounds like he is not in a point in his life where he is ready to give himself to a relationship - for whatever reasons. I would take it to heart and let him be, or else you could be in for a lot of heartache.

Since this is the way he wants to do it, then you guys are going to have to stop the I love you comments and the intimate conversations. It won't really help anything.

Then in a year if you are available (which I wouldn't wait around for specifically), then you can see how it goes.

Sounds like you two are still not at the same place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 4:13pm
dont count on him and let it go.he has very clearly said that he doesnt want a RS with you.he was straight forward and if you continue and hope etc. ,he will throw back this line to remind you and that would be worse than if you cut your loses now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 4:57pm

That is kinda what I am thinking. I am not the kind of person to put my faith on false promises. I definitely believe in "he's not that into you" and I am not going to waste a year on it. What do you think I should say to him then? How do I approach this conversation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 9:37pm

Not sure what you mean by “reconnecting”. How did you reconnect?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 2:27am

To be honest, I'm really surprised at the comments on your thread.

I have read comments and over again advising people to be single for a while before getting into another relationship. I also read a lot of advice about giving someone a bit of time to heal so that it doesn't become a re-bound situation.

Now, while I don't subscribe to this theory (I started dating my now hubby when I'd only been separated for 2 months), I am sure that this is what your new guy is on about.

He doesn't want to jump in while you are still healing. He wants to avoid being a re-bound. And being noble is about not rushing you into anything before society deems you ready. I guess it comes down to both of you having different theories on the appropriate time it takes to heal after the end of a marriage.

Where do you go from here? Well, if you give it a break there's no guarantees that either of you will still be single in a year.
Personally, I'd be trying to talk him around and tell him that you really are OK with moving on after your marriage.

If he still refuses, I guess you don't have much choice but to break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 1:56am

The “wait a year” thing sounds strange.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 11:59am

'...The “wait a year” thing sounds strange.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:10am

Well, I only see two possible explanations here.

A. He does like you and is interested in getting closer to you, but not right now. However, there's no guarantee that he'll still like you or want you in the future. Also, his putting a 1 year term is strange in that no one can really tell how long it might take to "heal" from past relationships or deal with your baggage or however. I agree that everyone needs some "time alone" before engaging in a new relationship, but it's funny that he should establish it in such strict terms. If this is the case, the best thing you can do is give him a break (for real), go on with your life and only keep in touch to the extent where it doesn't make you sad, or confused, or broken-hearted.

B. He's either seeing someone else or not completely over his last relationship, but the "relationship" he has with you is providing some sort of emotional comfort and/or fulfilling other emotional needs, so he still wants you around and resorts to "noble" excuses to keep you. In which case.. I wouldn't really know what to suggest. Maybe just cool down your contacts, give less (emotionally speaking), and then see how he reacts and go from there...