Please help me here.
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:17pm |
I met this guy at a party less than a month ago. He asked me to attend his company's xmas party when we met 2nd time at another party (we both were some drunk). But I denied him since I already made the plan for that day. I've seen him total 5 times in the group before he asked me out alone. He never asked my phone number but I got his phone number from my friend to call him for asking him to go to our party. First time he called my very close girlfriend to go out eat with them (he told her he will call me later too and he called me later) but she had plan so I ended up to go eat with them. From that day, he called me sometimes and started to asking me to go to eat with him alone. We already went out 3 times alone, every time he treated me the dinner at the restaurant and went to his house to watch movies. But he never really said they were dates. He said he told his friend that he went out with me as a friend. (We both wanted to make it private) Nothing happened for the first 2 dates, but at the last date (3rd date, 2 days ago), We bought some snacks, wine, and we ended up with having sex!!!
I have feelings for him, and I want this to work out. But having sex at 3rd date is too quick?? I have never had sex with someone so quick! I was asking him what we are now, he didn't really state clearly, do you guys think he's just playing it for sex? How can I tell if he's serious with me? I don't want to become someone's sexual partner only! I think he knows I like him, but I do not want him to take advanage from it..What should I do? Please help!

Pages
<< I will ask him if we are in a serious relationship or not.>>
My gosh woman, slow down would ya, please! You've been on 4 dates and had sex once. And you need to know if you're in a "serious relationship?" Your previous post also said 'I told him this" ... "I told him that" ... here's a suggestion: stop telling him, and start ASKING him. You don't get to TELL anyone anything other than what your intentions are ...actually, you can tell all you want, however, if you TELL people what you expect from them, you will likely find yourself disappointed.
Benefit of the doubt, perhaps it was just your choice of words in using TOLD, TOLD, TOLD instead of "I ASKED him if he'd like to go on vacation." But, overall, you just seem to be a little pushy. Perhaps it's just in the tone, perhaps it's just in the fact that you NEED TO KNOW if you're in a relationship after 4 dates. IMO, that's just scary.
I did ask him where we are, are we dating are you gonna see other people as well? but I never really got a clear answer. So I will serious ask him once more, and this time I need a clear answer.
Maybe I am too pushy, it's not my dating style that having sex with a guy on the 3rd date without going through all the procedures, such as date more time, kiss on the lip, holding hands, after both agree to be gf/bf, then have sex. Instead I am having sex with him without all that.........I just feel it's not right and little bid of weired. He may still see other girls, who knows?! And I can't have sex with a guy whom I am not sure he's seeing me ONLY. He'd like to go on trip alone, who knows he goes with??! Maybe other girl in some place else......I do not feel secure. Maybe I should just stop having sex with him, tell him to know each other better until we are in an exclusive bf/gf relationship then I would feel comfortable having sex with him..........
<< I did ask him where we are, are we dating are you gonna see other people as well? but I never really got a clear answer. So I will serious ask him once more, and this time I need a clear answer. >>
Ask away, but all the asking in the world, at this point, will likely not result in a "clear answer." Why? Because, after a few dates and having sex once, he's not CLEAR on what he wants from you yet. He may very well WANT a relationship, too, but it's not the realistic for EVERYONE to "just know" after only a few dates that a person is ready to take themselves off the market.
That said, instead of asking, why not just state YOUR intentions. If upon stating your intentions and what you want, and he wants to continue seeing you, you'll have your answer. That way, three months down the road or what have you, he can't say "well, you never said that you wanted a relationship!" ... if you say "I'm at a point in my life where, if I met someone I like and want to get to know, I know that I don't want to continue dating other people ... I know that I want to get to know you ... and I don't want to date other people ... how do you feel about that?"
Boom. There you have it. You've stated your intentions. If he continues to date you, that means he's on board. He can't say a month or two later than he didn't know what you wanted. If he says "well, I just want to date ... I don't want a relationship after only four dates" ... well then, you've lost NOTHING by stating your desires and letting this guy move onto someone who doesn't need to know where it's going after only a few dates.
We hear this type of question a lot on the boards "what does he want?" "does he want a relationship?" "what are we?" ... it's time for women to GET IT that it isn't up to the GUY to control and determine what is or isn't. Only if a woman truly doesn't know what SHE WANTS, will she wait for the guy to determine what their relationship is or isn't. Women need to learn to be assertive by stating their needs and wants. Aggressive is pushing for answers. Assertive is stating your case, and moving on if you don't hear what you want to hear.
If YOU know what YOU want, then you say so. If a guy gets scared off, so be it. Why put the power in his hands to determine what you are or aren't? (are you with me?)
<< And I can't have sex with a guy whom I am not sure he's seeing me ONLY. >>
Well, then ... let him know that. But, what you can't do is turn back the hands of time and EXPECT him to not date other people simply because you broke your own rules and had sex before a relationship. What you need to do is own up to that, let him know that "it's not my style to have sex prior to a relationship" ... and, if he's not willing to "take himself off the market" yet ... then, that's his choice. Yours is to be responsible for not "without going through all the procedures" ... recognize that you can't go backward ... and recognize that just because you broke your own rules that he doesn't OWE you a relationship, at this point. If you are uncomfortable with not knowing that you're the only one in his life, then ... you choose not to be in his life. You choose not to date him. It's not his responsiblity to pick up the pace just because you had sex before you were ready to.
<< He'd like to go on trip alone, who knows he goes with??! Maybe other girl in some place else......I do not feel secure.>>
You see, you're already projecting "relationship status" into this. It's been four dates. He had this trip planned before you. What, at this point, do you have to feel secure or insecure about? You're not yet even close to being a priority in each other's lives ... after four dates, he has no obligation to you, nor does he even have an obligation to tell you what his plan is on this trip. If you don't feel secure, that's not his doing. That's your doing because you're expecting more from him after four dates and one sexual encounter than is realistic.
<< Maybe I should just stop having sex with him, tell him to know each other better until we are in an exclusive bf/gf relationship then I would feel comfortable having sex with him..........>>
Again, you can't go backward. Sure, if you want to say "I'm not comfortable having sex with you yet, I want to know where I stand first ... and that means, I need to be in a relationship before we have sex again" ... realize, that he'll probably think you're making a big deal out of it, that you're playing games, because you're "changing the rules" (taking away something that's already been offered) ... because for you "sex changes things" ... but, in reality, you broke your own rule. Not him. You. Men do not automatically equate sex with a relationship ... but yes, many women want sex to mean we're in a relationship. So feel free to "take it away" ... see what he says, and if he agrees that that's ok, then ... you've done "right" by yourself and your standards and you'll have an indication that he wants to move toward exclusivity (that is, if he agrees to waiting) ... if not, you have to be willing to walk away. Because, his having had sex with you doesn't mean he owes you want from this.
Good luck.
Thanks so much for such detailed suggestions!! I really appreciated it!! I think I got pretty much ideals on what I should do. I may need to print out the page think through before I talk with him :)
Thank you very much! :)
From the sound of it, he's just in it for sex. You need to understand that sometimes men are just looking for a sexual partner only and nothing else, sometimes you need to ride with it, and there are times when you need to jump off. If your starting to have feelings for this guy, you may need to take yourself out of the picture, cause it's only room for you to get hurt in the process. If a guy was serious with you, he would let you know he liked you and want to pursue a RL first before jumpin in the sack. So be careful with this, don't allow yourself to fall into it and let him drag you along.
I just got out of a almost 4 year RL and with the guy wanting now to be friends with benefits. I told him no cause its only going to hurt someone in the process especially if someone has feelings for the other. But if he wants to be friends, he will. Other than that, I'm willing down the road once I've moved on and there are NO feelings between us, if we are friends and want to be lovers, that would be fine. For me, I know I'm going to have to cut him out of my life for the most part for a while.
<< I bought the calling card(he's on vacation, out of coutry right now) called his hotel couple times from 10am to 2am over there. He never answered the call!! 2am outside by himself??! >>
Again, you're projecting "relationship status" into a situation that is, at face value, just dating -- 4 dates doesn't entitled you to him being "on call" for you while he's on vacation. I think you're blowing this out of proportion and making a much bigger deal out of it than it is. You've had sex once and four dates ... that's not a relationship and he isn't obligated to answer you ... while at home or on vacation.
What you're looking for is prioritization and obligation, much too soon! IMO, calling him while on vacation, buying a calling card so you can reach him while he's out of the country ... after just a few dates .... that's just a little ... well, unusual.
He's not on vacation to answer calls from you! I know, that's probably not what you want to hear ... but, that's the truth. He's on vacation to enjoy his vacation ... it's not his job to be accountable for where he's at a 2 am ... perhaps he's having a GOOD TIME! That's generally what people do on vacation. What's so wrong with that? Hon, what did you think he's doing on vacation ... sitting in his hotel room everynight waiting for you to call? He can do that at home.
IMO, buying a calling card so you can call him out of the country while on vacation ... that's just a BIT much. Sorry, but it is ... you aren't in a relationship with him ... you've had a few dates. I mean, all things considered ... I've been with my BF for 18 months ...and I wouldn't buy a calling card to call him while on vacation. He's on vacation. That's HIS time ... not mine. When you have trust in someone, you don't need to keep tabs on them.
It woudl be a different story if he bought the calling card so you could keep in touch with him while he's gone. That would mean he WANTED to hear from you and made sure that you had the means to reach him without it being inconvenient or costly for you to call.
<< I don't feel like I can trust this guy any more........>>
What has he done for you to not trust him? It's only been a few dates. IMO, the non-trust issue is on you. It wouldn't matter if it was him or another guy ... for whatever reason, your trust issues are encouraging you to keep close tabs on men ... a need to know what they are doing, when, where, with whom ... it's truly not your business to know what he's doing at 2 am while on vacation ... this "need to know" is going to put a monkey wrench on things.
Please search within yourself for why you aren't trusting him (or other in the past). And please re-evaluate your expectations in terms of the reality of where things stand in the present moment without projecting into what you cannot control.
I emailed him about my concern. I told him I like him and I hope it will work out between us and I understand since he just got out from a long term relationship (12 years) if he doesn't want to get into a new one it's ok, but I need to know.......after 1 day he called me. He said it's ok if I don't feel comfortable having sex with him, then he won't do it with me, he only does it when I want to and he still likes to date me, it's fun to go out with me (He didn't say he wants me to be his gf......) But the things turned out to be bad when he asked me what my plan is for the rest of days. I told him I wanted to go to the club and I'd like him to go with me, but he said he's too tired, he doesn't want to go, he rather go out with me alone, watch movie. But I insisted to ask him to go to the club with him and he insisted that he doesn't want to go....it turned out I am very upset and I told him that we should not date any more, he asked why, I said "you are not good enough for me..." And I hung up the phone.
I've been thinking if I am too overwhelmed?? Sometimes when we went out, I wanted to go shopping he didn't want to, I wanted to watch horrior movie, he wanted to watch comedy, but I chose what he wanted, again this time, I wanted to go to the club with him, he chose not, I just thought I can't do whatever he likes to do, if he cares me enough he would do what I like to do......
Do you guys think I made a right decision?
I read this whole thing and I agree 1000% with everything starbuck70 had to say about this.
Pages