Please help me understand what happened
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| Thu, 06-23-2005 - 6:55pm |
I am so confused I just don't understand..maybe somebody could shed some light...
This guy and I broke up 2 years ago during high school due to stupid high school reasons. A few months later, he called me out of the blue, just wanting to talk. He apologized for the awful breakup, and I learned he had moved out of town. He continued to call me 2-3 times a week just to talk...he would usually call me on the weekends after he got in from partying and we would usually talk at least 30 min but sometimes until the sun rose. He would also sometimes call during the week if he had a bad day or something. So this has been going on for almost a year. I haven't actually seen him in a year and a half, but he took some vacation to come back to town, where me and most of his friends from high school still live. Before this vacation, he expressed to me that I am his best female friend and he loves me more than I will ever know but he can't be with me due to the distance and because it wouldn't be fair to me to keep me tied down while I am in still in college (I still have another 2.5 years to go).
So last week, I went over to his friend's house where he is staying. I had gotten ill that morning and still felt really weak, so we just stayed in and talked. We cuddled a lot and he kept putting my hair behind my ear. He told me I was still very gorgeous and couldn't believe some of the things I had told him during the past year about my experiences with college guys. At one point, he just couldn't stop staring at me. We held eye contact for at least a minute..I didn't really time it but it was LONG. I then closed my eyes to rest and when I reopened them he was still looking at me...and I could have sworn I saw nothing but love in his eyes. He did kiss my cheek and forehead a few times but we didn't make out, we just cuddled and talked for 3 hours.
And now it's almost like he's blowing me off. He had told me several times before I left he would call me that night and that he wanted me to go party with him and his buds the next and would call me about that too. No call. I called him a few days later asking if he wanted to hang out again before I left town and we made plans, but he later called and said he had gone downtown to court with his best friend and didn't know if he would be back in time to hang out with me, but would call when if he made it back in time. No call. Later that day before I left, I called to see if maybe he was on his way (I didn't want to leave and then have him call 20 min. later) and he said he'd just gotten back but he was going to hang out with some other girl (who is in town the entire time he is in town, while I'm only in town 2 weekends). I got mad and yelled at him for blowing me off and he said he had to go and we'd talk about it later. That was Monday and it's now Thursday...and no call.
What gives? Why was he so hot and now so cold??? Or am I just being unreasonable with my expectations of seeing him? Did like the minute of eye contact freak him out or something? I just don't understand...

Unfortunately, you were his "in the moment girl".
You served his purposes of having long, romantic talks and moments but ultimately he didn't have to act on them... he just had to make you feel good which made him feel good in return. But... even as nice as they were, they were meaningless.
He wanted to party.
So he fulfilled his need and went on to do what he wanted to do.
Please don't be misled by the "putting your hair behind your ear" or "staring at you for hours" thing... it doesn't mean much... it just means that they're learning how to do things that make young women impressed with their so-called sensitivity.
You saw what he is really like when he didn't call you when there were things to do and parties to be had and occasions to enjoy.
The minute of eye contact didn't freak him out. It was just a way for him to connect with you in a phony way that assuaged his feelings and your's so that you wouldn't feel so bad when he blew you off. It was nothing.
Thing is with young women your age, hon, (and i'm speaking as a much older woman)... you fall for these teensy-weensey signs that guys like you when they really don't... it's just a momentary thing between the two of you that doesn't always mean anything.
Be real careful what you interpret from guys and in the future, don't spend too much time with them on the phone or doing cutesy things... guys will go along with that when they're in their early twenties.. simply because they don't know what else to do.
The proof is in the pudding.... no matter how cool this guy was or how much time you spent on the phone talking, he still blew you off for the instant gratification.
This is women need to keep their eyes open and not read too much into things.
In college, fleeting relationships are common.... don't bank too much on them. Eventually you will have the experience and wisdom to become aware of what is real and what is just another line from a guy who wants to seem nice.
As for him.... nahhhh,.... don't give him another thought. The more confident you are, the more guys will find you attractive.
I can somewhat understand what you are saying, but... let me get this right..
An entire YEAR of talking on the weekends until the sun rises doesn't mean ANYTHING to him???
I should also clear something up...My friend, Matt, is staying with his best friend since 4th grade named Anthony. Since Matt flew in, he doesn't have a car, so Anthony either drives him around or he borrows Anthony's car. Well, Anthony really doesn't like me at all...I could totally see him saying something to Matt like I'm not welcome to come over and since Matt and Anthony do EVERYTHING together, this could create serious problems. They are practically joined at the hip. From what I understand, when he hangs out with people, it's not just him and whoever, it's him, Anthony and whoever. If this is true, Anthony probably said something to the effect that he doesn't feel comfortable with me around. And a guy isn't going to chose a girl over his best friend since 4th grade. Bros before Hos.
Also, when I called him the next day after the "party", he mentioned on his own that him and Anthony had just driven around racing Anthony's car, so that would create a problem...the plans for that night weren't set at all, just a "maybe you can come out..don't know what we're doing yet" type thing. And when he blew me off Sunday, it was him and Anthony going to visit that other girl, who also doesn't like me.
I guess that doesn't excuse Matt from not calling me at all though. From what he has told me, he has been really busy hanging out with everybody night and day since it's been so long since he's been here and it will be a while before he gets to come back. He is the kind of person who needs to be around people 24/7, so he probably literally hasn't had time to sit down and call me for a conversation (esp. with Anthony's phone since Matt forgot to bring his phone)...he has a LOT of friends, which is why I was wondering if I was just overreacting or being unrealistic with how often I thought we'd hang out.
Or I could just be in denial about the whole situation.
Should be interesting when Matt goes back home...
You're in denial.
Unless this guy is making the effort to ask you out and to spend time alone with you doing things together... if it's just on the phone and talking... it's not worth fantasizing about.
Try not to read more into it than there is. Right now it's nothing but the telephone and that doesn't mean much. Anyone can talk.
I have to agree, don't wait on this guy. Keep going out with other men, IF we are wrong then eventually he will straighten up and his actions will begin to follow what he is portraying.
In other words if he REALLY likes you and cares for you he will make you a priority. He will come to visit you. He will make time exclusively for you when you visit. HE wont just stare longingly into your eyes he will actually act on and speak about his feelings.
The other ladies are absolutley right, the guys that have all the moves and do all the right things that make our hearts go pitter pat are OFTEN the very last guys we need in our lives. They're the fakes. The truth is MOST REAL men, men who you can trust and love and will love you back, don't stare at you and tuck your hair behind your ear and say all the things you want to hear.
They are much more likely to smack on you on the butt or give you noogies or say or do something to make you laugh then to go all romantic and mushy on you. The good news is at least they're being sincere and most of the time the "romantic" ones are NOT.
I know this probably sounds like a bunch of bitter old women talking, but it really isn't. Personally, I'm actually a big cheesy, engaged and very much head over heels in love romantic. But I'm also 33 and I learned the hard way that the guys with the moves are usually not the good guys, the guys that are a little goofy and a little awkward at first are. Sure my fiance has been known to, on occassion, stare into my eyes or brush my hair from my eyes, but it doesn't happen a lot and it doesn't ususally last a whole minute.
The bottom line is when in doubt assume the guy isn't the one for you becasue if your questioning it or having to analyze the situation to figure out what's going on it's probably becasue there's a whole lot of nothing substantial going on. guys are not worth all the time we spend anaylzing them and trying to make their behavior fit with what we want. And that is PRECISELY what we typically do, we analyze and try to cram the behavior into the mold we want it to fit instead of just accepting it for what it is and moving on.
Don't waste your time. A guy who really likes you wont make it this hard to figure out.
All the advice given to you so far is bang on. Nick, for instance, you should have your own column ha ha. It is sooo true what you are saying about how uncomplicated it should be when you are with someone who is into you. (as you know from my last thread I'm living that & realizing it right now ;)).
Blowing you off to go see another girl is a huge RED FLAG. Talking on the phone after his parties.. sounds like having his cake and eating it too. If he can have it all why not.. you deserve sooo much better. When you meet a guy who's really into you, you will soo notice the difference, it will feel so natural and you will not have to wonder AT ALL.
Hope this helps
Rapunzele